Highschool sweethearts and old friends, making contact again
I was not supposed to date anyone, so I couldn't see him after school. We could talk on the phone, that was okay. It became quite frustrating tho, and you can't have physical contact like that at school (so NOT allowed to make out in hallways) tehee  .
So I felt we didn't have a future, but we really got to know each other as friends. Another obstacle was our religious differences, and at the time it was a big deal. I was always told it would be alot easier to find someone, and raise children under the same religion and I'd be alot happier, then try and blend two religions and have conflict. I was 14...it made sense. Then after graduating he moved away, and we didn't keep in touch. I graduated and also moved. We spent time in the same town, twice but a different times. Then about 10 yrs ago, I contacted him, with my younger cousin along we met for a coffee. He gave me hug and we stayed in contact for many years after...it was a really good friendship...but kept it at that because we lived quite far apart. Then I became kinda homeless...bad roomate thing, I needed to move out or kill her. So he suggested I move in with him...and I actually considered it. But another longtime guy friend(hubby's brother) said his girlfriend needed a roommate. So it came down to living small town, or big city. I thought I'd get a chance to finally go to college, and chose big city. He understood, and we kept in contact while I moved and began living in Edmonton. I never made it to college, and kept dealing with what am I doing here...city life was a hard adjustment for me (farm girl at heart). Then I met Rob (hubby), he showed me how much fun the city was, he treated me like a princess, and we started dating. At this point I had to tell my school friend I met someone, and we are dating and I suppose it would be inappropiate to keep in close contact. I wanted him to stop me, or fight for me, or something...but he didn't and I think I hurt him to much, again like I did back in school. I did inform him when we got married too. So we no longer talked, and I lost a really good friend. Last year I went back to my home town and couldn't get the guy out of my head. Then a forum member here, got a dog from a girl he works with...long story short I got his work e-mail. He got married, and had a baby boy...he didn't want to talk to me. Yesterday I made contact again, because again I went home, took my kids to my old school and all those memories came flooding back. Even had a dream while camping blending old life with new life and in my dream I am apologizing for hurting him. They were such good memories, and I miss his friendship. This time he wanted to talk, and it was great. He told me all about his wife and work...we didn't focus on old times. He asked about my kids and hubby etc too. However I have this little voice saying not to be doing this, and hubby won't like it. Even tho it was all innocent, and I was sharing how happy we are, and all that. Then I rationalize, that I was able to spend a weekend with his old girlfriend (sortof)...they were best friends, but didn't date, he wanted to but she didn't want ruin the friendship... and her new hubby (they have 2 kids). It was really hard for me to go there, but now she and I are friends...but honestly I am happy we live 10 hours away. I am okay with her now, but it took along time to trust in my security of hubby's love and devotion to me. Do you think it could be possible for us all to be friends, and not spark jealous feelings, or what if feelings...and just accept each person as individuals and respect husband/wife boundarys? Does it ever work? Sorry for the novel. I think hubby and I need to make some couple friends, esp if they have kids too...we spend too much time together. And our closest couple friends have separated...the rest of friends are family his single brothers or family we see once in awhile. I want BBQ's, and picnic's, or people to take trips together...camping buddies. |
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| Sounds like this guy was more of a friend type than a real boyfriend.
I don't see a problem with you talking to him. It's nice to have friends that knew you back when. Speaking of which...one of my best friends from Junior High, Stephanie found me after being out of touch for a while... I told her I had been looking for our mutual friend Adrienne for years. Well Stephanie just logged on to myspace and found Adrienne. I spoke with her on the phone a couple of weeks ago. Stephanie when she called me told me that I was the last "Real" friend she had and she missed me. Awww! She is supposed to come out here in the fall to visit. But she just found out she is pregnant. Birth Control Pill Baby... Oops. She is very happy about it, but depending on the way she feels she might not come out now. Adrienne lives in AZ. I am also hoping we can get together soon. |
| Thanks, but those are girls...your husband might feel differently if Adreinne was Adrian...a guy. Coming to visit you.
Even tho we didn't go physical we wanted to, but never had a private moment...sounds crazy, but we only had a school of 200 people from K-12...and between our friends intrupting and dragging one of us away, it never happened. Years later, I was talking to my grandpa, and he liked the family and said if you really wanted to I would have let you spend time with him after school...our house or his house...supervised kinda thing. But I was not one to be demanding, it was a rule that I had to wait until I was older. We compromised about the phone and seeing each other at school...I was happy about that for awhile...if I knew to ask again...well who knows. I even tried to be sneaky, I tried to work something out to see him, but it was harder than you'd think. It was unbelieveable actually...LOL. And I sucked at being a bad child. |
| I also still talk with my Ex-fiance from HS/College.
We live at opposite ends of the country. We are both happily married with kids. We were each other's best friend for years and I am happy to still have him in my life....even though he usually teases me. I also talk with a few guys from HS...not boyfriends/ |
| I don't understand jealousy in the least. Why don't you talk to your hubby and see how he feels about it. If he's secure in your relationship I'm sure he'll be totally fine with it. Do you really think he'll have a problem with it?
This is someone you were emotionally but never physically involved with. Do you still have romantic feelings for this guy? Because if you do, you should stay away from him... just avoid the temptation. Otherwise, you're both adults, you're both married with kids and there's no reason why you can't be friends. I go on regular "dates" with one of my best friends who is a guy, who is someone that something romantic may have happened with, but never did. Now that I think of it, my fiance Craig has taken my friend's girlfriend out for dinner and a theatre play when I couldn't make it. You and your hubby are fully committed to eachother (I assume), so no friendship with a member of either gender can shake that. Someone I met once said "It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home". Not entirely appropriate, but kinda funny nonetheless. Talk with your hubby openly about it. Be honest about your feelings then and now. He'll probably be totally fine with you being friends and he'll really appreciate you being so honest with him. |
| I'm thinking no.
Maybe in an ideal world it would work out the way you are describing you want it to work, but it sounds complicated. To me, the way you described the whole situation makes it sound like you still have feelings for him (and I don't necessarily mean that you still 'like' him and want to go on a date with him today kind of feelings) but since you spent so many years wondering if it could work out between the 2 of you...it just seems like it could lead to some sticky situations. If you have that little voice saying your hubby won't like it... I totally think men and women can be 'just friends' but if there is one person in the friendship who wants more, then that can be bad... |
| My father once said to me "avoid even the appearance of sin".
Well... this is how I personally would handle the situation. When it comes to old boyfriends (even of the didn't quite happen variety) things can get touchy even in a happy, stable relationship. Talk it over with your husband first, before doing anything. See how he feels about it, what is his comfort level? Think about how you would feel if the table was turned... would you be totally vcomfortable with your husband being in contact with an old flame? Or would you SAY you were ok with it, but really WOULDN'T BE? If your beloved feels like it is no big deal, then continue the conversations/relationship, but do it as a couple! Include his wife and your husband... try to transition the relationship into a freindship of pairs, instead of just him and you. I think that would probably be the funnest, and healthiest way to continue! After all, who doesn't need another couple of freinds at the same point in their lives as you guys are? |
| I'm in the belief that it is a situation most should avoid. I agree with Iriskmj. |
| I would like that, to be friends as couples...including both husbands and wives.
About feelings, I do still have strong feelings for the guy (I wouldn't say love, I Love my husband), and I don't believe in fate...but things always make me wonder if I chose this path instead. What I do know is that if i chose to move in with him 9 yrs ago, I would be married to him, and I'd be happy there too. However in that same day I made the decision not to co-habit with a single man, unmarried...another door opened and I was given an opportunity to live with a girl and I thought that would be better. Still wanting to remain his friend...plus I was living closer to him. I expected him to come see me, but I had to give up my vehicle...so I couldn't go see him. Then Rob came into the picture, he came home from a month work trip to Ireland, I was already long time friends with his brother...and before we knew we were always together. I felt torn, and was open to my friend...expecting him to speak up. But he was never that type, very quiet and if he said something I would have never dated Rob. I've never compared the two, I've never regretted marrying Rob...but when I get homesick, or sick of the city, or mad at a life I can't live...I wonder then what do we give up when we chose one life over another. I chose to be a city mouse, and gave up the country mouse I was raised to be. Rob knows all about him, and other guys I've known...he is secure in our marriage. I know all about his past girls...and I was jealous that he worked with one still and I had to invite another to the wedding, then visit them for a weekend. Maybe it is too complicated to invlove old friends into a current life. In that dream I had while camping, he came to our house, and the two of us went for a walk. Rob answered the door, gave his blessing for us to talk...at the same time Rob's parents came up the walkway, asked him what's going on, and he said they need to talk. They said are you crazy. Then the rest of the dream was me and my friend apologizing to each for letting the other down and not communicating our feelings. That was this camping trip...being home, seeing everything. It's (he) been on my mind ever since. And because of that, I wanted to touch base and then I can know he is happily married, and I am married...if I can talk about hubby and the kids I thought I'd be okay. But then I deleted all the e-mails before hubby saw them...and that's not right...right?? I had nothing to hide, I never overstepped anything, neither did he...it was nice, friendly conversation catching up...so why do I feel it neccesary to delete them. |
| Put me in the "no" column. There is nothing to benefit from keeping this friendship (even if it is truly just a friendship) and a lot to lose or damage.
You continue to live in the past when your eyes should be forward, making a new relationship, building a family, etc. Treasure the past, keep it close to your heart, but don't keep digging through it. I really like the line "avoid even the appearance of sin..." When you contacted him via email..........that made me stop and wonder. |
| That is a good line, the appearance of sin...My mind is free of sin, I don;t want to start something to ruin 4 people here, and kids, that would be horrible.
I wish I could make friends with some females, we as a couple don't do well attracting other couples. I always had alot of friends, and when I was single my best friends were a few guys...all in different areas. It's been really really hard as a couple to develop long lasting friends. Like I said our closest couple, are moving towards divorce. My guy friends, have gotten married, and they made attachements to wives family...leaving friends out. Hubby's friends (mostly girls) didn't take to me, they were jealous because they lost their guy friend. I wish hubby's brothers (3 of them) would marry, maybe then. If I didn't have this forum to bounce things off, I'd be starved for adult communication...besides hubby. Thanks for letting me talk openly. |
| Count me in as a "no" too. It sounds like there may have been "something" between you two even though you never acted upon it. Sounds like maybe you're looking for some excitement in your life. I'm guilty of having thoughts like that too. How about a new hobby???
My dearest childhood friend and her husband got divorced about a year ago and we went out with them all the time. I know it was hard for her, but I felt a loss too. We always had a great time with them and hid their problems well. It's really hard to make other couple friends and to keep them. Once we find them, they either have kids or move away  |
| Count me as No. I have always used the rule if I have to think about it and question whether I should - the answer is always NO I shouldn't. |
| Definitely No. You have a lot of emotional baggage about this guy. It's a dangerous situation and best avoided.
However, I think you're totally on track about meeting other couples to socialize with. There are a lot of ways to meet other married women - do volunteer work, find clubs to join, get involved at your kids' school or local library, join a women's fitness center, be a team mother for one of your kid's teams. When I moved here I didn't know anyone but my husband, my sister-in-laws are not an option, and I'm social with his friends' wives but they aren't my friends. I don't have a ton of free time because of my job, so I found things that I could participate in that would work with my schedule: my neighborhood Bunko club (a silly dice game), a Scottish women's club, the Canine Hiking Club. I've made one or two friends through each organization, and now I can actually throw a party and have more than 1 guest  . It's always important to have girlfriends! But you may need to do a litle work to find the right ones for you. |
| You might be playing with a gas can and a lit match. |
| Hi,
I remember reading a story like this very recently in a mag where the woman was asking advice of the columnist. The answer was a big NO. Our minds love to travel back in time where we had no pressures and often love to revisit our youths. The time you chatted with him was fun and although you didn't discuss it, reminded you of younger days. Now back to today. You still have slight feelings and that's potentially a situation which may cause your spouse or his to feel uncomfortable. Nope I'd vote to make friends both you and your spouse could meet on an equal footing. Then again this is coming from me, whom had the same boyfriend starting when we met in grade 2 at age 7. We dated more seriously in highschool, eventually had a son together and overtime have always remained the best of friends. Here's the difference..we shared a son and so needed to keep in contact. His girlfriend and I were friends, I maintained contact with his mother, aunt, uncles, and a host of other family members. Even being invited to his sisters wedding as my son was still included in the family and I was his mother. I attended many of their family reunions, Christmas parties, ect.. Then after 20 years he once claimed, I should have married you. Well..haven't chatted with him since as the whole ordeal made me too uncomfortable. You need to realize the other people involved in your lives now and it's now worth what may happen. That's my story...and of course I'm sticking to it! 
Marianne and the boys |
| Those are all good points. I do love my life as it is, but yes I get bored, and need something I suppose.
But get this, with our camping fiascal, we are driving back to pick up our Tahoe tommorrow. Now if we did the drive straight there and back we'd be in the truck for 10 hours, with the kids and the dogs. I want to stay in a hotel, with a swimming pool, and have a bit of fun. The town the Tahoe is in...no hotels with swimming pools. Where my dad lives has no hotels at all, and we can't stay at his dirty house. The next town, where I would stay all the hotels are booked, something like 3 weddings happening. Next nearest town, is this guy's town, we drive by often but never stop. It has an available room...I'd be at arms length and all that. Or we just drive home. |
| Your family comes first! Stop at the town with the pool.......even if it is this guy's town. Spend the day and night with your family. Sure you can think about the other guy, but don't make any attempt to contact him.
Remember, you have obligations you didn't have before marriage and a family. Before you were socializing........learning about yourself and how you fit with people. Each new experience you put into your life jar. As you reached adulthood and school was over (sorta) and you found a mate and began a family, that first jar was capped. Oh it is still there and you can still look into it, but can not open it. Memorable events are stuck against the glass and quite visible, other events are buried in the middle. Now you have a new jar to fill. It is a bit empty right now, but just as you filled your first jar, you will fill this one. If your hubbie isn't social (I've got one of those too), then it is up to you to get first, yourself out, and later him. Perhaps you could schedule one evening a month, every two weeks, whatever, where the two of you go do something together w/o kids. Ideally it would be a situation where you meet the same group of people so you can get to know them; dance lessons, take an adult ed class together (small class), something. enough, I'm going to bed |
| Don't do it.....It sounds like trouble and heartbreak looking for a place to happen! |
Daisie wrote: .....Next nearest town, is this guy's town, we drive by often but never stop. It has an available room...I'd be at arms length and all that.......
If this guy wants to cheat on his wife, and there's an available private space and 10 minutes of alone time, you're going to find yourself closer than "arms length and all that" with that guy. The question is, "Do you want "all that?" Thoughts of "what if" are ok to have, but you're dwelling on it. That's very dangerous. You're dwelling on it because in your mind you want it to happen. You have every right to disagree with me, but I assure you if it happens you'll find it was "nothing" like you thought it would be. Guilt will destroy that "perfect memory" you're creating in your mind faster than you can delete emails. Sounds like your parents raised you with good morals and values, but if you'd really loved him, you would've moved in with him regardless. Take the trip. Spend the night at dads house, visiting and cleaning. Your dad would probably enjoy and appreciate it, your kids could spend time with grandpa, and you'd be too tired to think about the "other guy" at the end of the day, and be ready to go back home where you truly belong. jmop |
| Live in the future and not the past, we all have to move forward in life.
Have to agree with all the rest, NO!! and move on and enjoy what you have now. What is in the past stays in the past |
| From my experience, it's possible. One of Jason's ex-girlfriends and I met at his church, and we quickly became friends. We used to hang out as couples all the time, my husband was friends with her boyfriend (now husband) and I was friends with her. It was never a problem. I was even the maid of honor when they got married, so we became close friends. I see her parents all the time still, and they are like an adopted part of our family.
Her and her husband moved to Washington with the Air Force, so we keep in touch mostly by e-mail now, but I wouldn't hesitate for a second hanging out with them again if they moved back to town. Whenever they come to visit, we always go see them while they're here. As long as the feelings are only friendship, and will stay as only friendship for all concerned, it can work out. |
| I would keep the distance for a while. If you're having concerns over it then your head and heart are definitely feeling a little friction. It is so easy to become overly dependent on someone you don't spend all of your life with, and to do so could eventually place this other person in a higher priority than your immediate family - your hubby. Eventually this feeling of conflict/friction may dissipate, but for now I would shy away from the situation. |
| My first thought would be to say no....it seems that you are thinking way too much about him, it may end up only hurting you more.....but, then again, Brians ex wife and I are pretty good friends now...BUT there is NO jealously or weird feelings between us. I hang out with my ex college boyfriend when he is in town, sometimes Brian comes, sometimes he doesnt....
Truely, in your heat you KNOW what the answer is... |
Darcy wrote: .......Truely, in your heat you KNOW what the answer is...
Well Darcy, I just have to ask even though both words would fit, "Is heat a typo for heart?" 
Both words seem to fit in the conversation quite well. |
mouthypf wrote: Darcy wrote: .......Truely, in your heat you KNOW what the answer is... Well Darcy, I just have to ask even though both words would fit, "Is heat a typo for heart?" Both words seem to fit in the conversation quite well. |
Bosley's mom wrote: mouthypf wrote: Darcy wrote: .......Truely, in your heat you KNOW what the answer is... Well Darcy, I just have to ask even though both words would fit, "Is heat a typo for heart?" Both words seem to fit in the conversation quite well. I'll add some smileys to that one too!! Pam gets the point for the day!
My opinion, you are asking for problems with this whole situation. Best to focus on what you have and glory in that rather than adding a potential problem to the equation and screwing up a happy home. If your home is unhappy maybe you are looking for a kickstart to change. I think this sounds like the opening sequence to a Dr. Phil episode just waiting to happen! |
| Thanks everyone, Sheepieboss I love the anology og the glass, being closed tho I can still look inside yet not open it.
That made alot of sense, and I appreciate that. Ideally, I would like to continue our friendship, it would help if I could meet his wife...make her real to me. Make their life real to me...and all that. I find it really hard to go out alone and make new friends, and yes Rob is not a social person. We can't afford babysitters, and have no family to volunteer to take the kids. So we stay home 24/7 for months, and maybe go out once a year. Other than that we always have the kids with us....and we do alot of family things. We only get break while he goes to work, and even then we ususally talk once in the day. We ended up doing the entire drive to my dad's and returned his truck. Our Tahoe is back to perfect...we didn't go through his town this time, we went the other way...faster for one thing. But I do see his original family home...so not out of my mind completely. Then as we drive home, the old girlfriend of hubbys e-mailed him at work (which she often does) and wants to arrange a camping trip. Our two families...our kids are close in age. They are great, and I can do this for him. After all he and she were like best friends, not lovers...however she is the "what if" girl to him. I am trying not to worry about that, and I am just enjoying her as an old part of his life, but I am his wife, and I am the now. Now we won't have anymore need to drive by his town...well for along time anyways. I can work at avoiding the area of memories and focus at getting the kids back in school. Meeting new moms at school, and perhaps just biting the bullet to invite one of them over for coffee. But I will always be his friend, and he is always welcome to be apart of our lives. If he wants to continue e-mailing me, I will just have to figure out a way to leave the past in the past, and see him as a married man, not mine anymore...and not keep those old memories current. If I keep the conversations current, and all about life now with kids etc...who knows maybe he will become a new person to me. Then start to blend our two families together and meet up for coffee someday, or bbq. |
| I think that's a great idea to just 'bite the bullet' and ask a mom over for coffee. It is SO HARD to do...I moved to a completely new town and have found it hard to meet people. It was so much easier in school because you were constantly meeting new people in class and having projects together or just more social opportunity.
I found my problem was that I kept feeling people already had their lives and were full and I didn't want to impose myself or intrude on their lives. I'm shy, so it's not in my nature to being the initiator. But once I mentioned this to someone, they thought I was being silly. Of course people always welcome new people...it's fun to meet new people and interesting to learn about them...and hopefully a friendship can arise. Do any of your children have moms that you think you can be friends with? That's a great way--some of my mom's best friends now are women she met because of us kids... |
| After my last relationship ended, a lot of my friendships ended, too-- it was just easier that way. My few good friends stayed but I kind of "divorced" myself from our mutual friends because I felt like my ex would have an easier time if he had allies. I've made the best friends of my life here at work. I got this job right as my last relationship ended and the friends that I've made here are priceless-- not to mention I met my fiancee here too! Aren't your kids about school age? Can you get a job to keep yourself busy and get in some social time? It sounds like you suffer a lot of boredom at home. |
mouthypf wrote: Darcy wrote: .......Truely, in your heat you KNOW what the answer is... Well Darcy, I just have to ask even though both words would fit, "Is heat a typo for heart?" Both words seem to fit in the conversation quite well. I think that was a little Freudian slip. Sounds like (and you have admitted) you still have feelings for this guy. It also sounds like you feel guilty about this and it sounds like you think your husband has a reason to not be okay with you and this man being friends. In this case, my vote is a resounding NO. Stay away from this man completely if you don't 100% trust that you won't have silly "what-if" feelings. Use your husband as an excuse if you have to. Tell the man your hubby isn't comfortable with you having contact with him - I'm sure he wouldn't mind being the "bad guy" in this case. You said: "I will just have to figure out a way to leave the past in the past, and see him as a married man, not mine anymore..." Maybe you should remember to see yourself as a married woman?!?!!! I have to strongly disagree with the opinion that men and women can't be "just friends". Some of my best friends over the last decade have been and continue to be men. As a woman, I can enjoy the company of men, have deep and intelligent conversations with them and have a meaningful friendship without either of us thinking of anything more than friendship. I've also found that male friends don't get upset if I go a week or several without calling, they don't get in a hissy about silly stuff, they're not easily offended and if either of us is being a jerk, we can just be direct with eachother without hurt feelings, resolve it and move on. Men don't hold grudges the way women do. Men make great friends! |
Sheepie Heaven wrote: I have to strongly disagree with the opinion that men and women can't be "just friends". Some of my best friends over the last decade have been and continue to be men. As a woman, I can enjoy the company of men, have deep and intelligent conversations with them and have a meaningful friendship without either of us thinking of anything more than friendship. I've also found that male friends don't get upset if I go a week or several without calling, they don't get in a hissy about silly stuff, they're not easily offended and if either of us is being a jerk, we can just be direct with eachother without hurt feelings, resolve it and move on. Men don't hold grudges the way women do. Men make great friends!
I was the one who mentioned the men/women friends thing. And I actually said "I totally think men and women can be 'just friends' but if there is one person in the friendship who wants more, then that can be bad..." I have many male friends and I think they are great and I think it is invaluable to have friends of the opposite sex. What I was trying to say was that IF there is a male/female friendship with one person who has 'more than just friends' feelings going on (which happens OFTEN--and sounds like this could be the situation with Daisie), then it makes it difficult for the friendship to continue. Of course, you can always have the one person pining and the other person oblivious, but that probably means the friendship isn't that close anyways. |
| Sorry barney1, I must have been just skimming and read it wrong. Lots of reading to catch up on!
I completely agree with you. It's tough/darn near impossible to continue a friendship (with either sex) if one of the people wants more than just a friendship. It's a tough situation when the person is oblivious and it's even tougher when the person is aware and the two try to pretend things are the same as they used to be. Just plain awkward. I've also found that when I have a hard time understanding the guy I'm dating, it's so great to have a close guy friend I can go to and get the male-perspective on the situation. Yeah, barney1! Guy friends are great! |
| If I were your husband, and my husband was you...wanting to rekindle a "friendship" with an old school chum, I would definately be nervous and uncomfortable. So...I guess I'm in the "no" column too. Sorry  |
| okay everyone...lol...I did mean HEART....I relly nead two yuse spel chek! |
Darcy wrote: okay everyone...lol...I did mean HEART....I relly nead two yuse spel chek!
no spel chek! it make it more fun 2 reed that way! |
| Yes my kids are school kids, I've made some nice aquaintence type of friends with my kids classmates moms. But we keep the chit chat to school things, and at school time. I've never taken the next step, and had a coffee thing. I am outgoing to a point, but then I become shy when things need to progress...so I tend to keep a boundary line there. It's my comfort zone I suppose.
I need to restate that we were not just school friends...we became adult friends as well, a few years after I graduated and stayed that way for many years. We did alot of phone/letter talking, flirting, trying to see each other was the hard part because of locations. Hind sight is always 20/20...I just figured we should try dating and all that before living as roommates. Anyways, we got to know each other as well as two people can, without being physical...I never saw the value in that at the time. Plus I didn't think my family would understand, "one should be married not living together"...we were both brought up in a strong moral ways. I was pretty much a virgin on my wedding night  (I was 25). Hubby wasn't...but it wasn't about him. I wasn't a prude either, I went on dates with enough guys to get to know them. Either we clicked or we didn't. Matt (friend) and I clicked, talked on the phone every week (long distance bills killed us both),...I regret never taking it to a deeper level. We talked about it, and wanted to, but it was not convienent for either of us to take time off work and drive the distance. So we kept it friendly, and saw other people in our own area.
Rob and I clicked too, we had alot in common as regards to dating, people, shared mutal interests...he was great. We spent every day together since the first day we met, aside from our jobs, and sleeping. Relationship's grow alot faster when you are face to face to everyday. I doubted everything I thought was love before him, I thought this is what it is, and I didn't want to lose that. It was easy...to be around him, and we didn't argue, we had fun. We still have fun together. He even got me Jake (cat) from the spca because he knew how much I needed a pet...in his mind it would stop there but in mind it was only the beginning. We never knew what the other was thinking. Now he is a wonderful husband, we were engaged quickly, and married 6 mths after meeting and he is everything any woman could ask for, very generous, loving, affectionate, a best friend. I have two beautiful healthy children from him, and we still plan to have another. Boredom, some lonliness for outside adult companionship, some sick need I have for finding any fault in my life when I shouldn't. Sometimes I wonder if...and I acknowledge that is not healthy. Hubby has made alot of forward motion for me, he loves Remy now for one thing. He helps me walk her when we are camping or at the park, and laughs at her, and it makes me want to cry to see him come around like that....he HATED having a dog and we had numerous fights over dogs in the past. People have fights about money, we have fights about the pets...and money to care for them. He knows now how much I want another baby, and I want to be back in the country...and we are working towards that too. The acreage thing might happen, but as it is we haven't found that place yet...close enough to the city to commute in everyday. He has a wonderful family as well, and they adore me...so I am reminded when we see them. If I were to put the two guys side by side...they are alot alike, they respect women, they love being the provider, a man's man, both are computer geeks, hard workers, love family, sweet and sensitive...quiet and a little shy, funny quirky sense of humors, dark hair and I think attractive. Differences come down to being raised in the city and one being raised in the country. One dislikes everything about animals, and the other adores and craves to have animals around. Even tho hubby agrees to another child, the other would have 8 if it was possible. Hubby has nothing in common with my dad, and the other could be a real helper to him and the ranch and be the son he never had. 2 different mind sets and a different pace about things. When we married, I assumed alot, I'd have an acreage, 4 kids, 2 dogs or more, cats, chickens, rabbits, and all that jazz. However life is funny when you think about it. He wanted 2 kids max, no dogs and only 1 cat, stay in the city forever...and this was the basis of many problems. Because all Matt and I did was talk, we knew what the other wanted...we knew how the other felt about pretty much ever subject. However in time, Rob and I got our second cat, had 2 kids, then a dog, and even he is warming up to being in the country. Life is good, and I should be really happy about it. I am a spoiled wifey I guess, but I don't like being given into all the time...I want him to want the same things in life, not just be a passenger. Hubby does not make any decisions, he lets me do all that...even little things. It is very frustrating to have the control, and I personally hate it. Then he gets mad at me for things, however if he would give me an opinion, or just say no sometimes...anyways. However we are good together in many ways, and in March it will be 9 yrs. Maybe I am rambling, and I need to get some housework done. |
| Are you sure this is the right time to be trying for this next baby? (Not to overstep my internet advice bounds or anything...)
It sounds like you are not very happy with what is going on in your life right now, and another baby isn't going to change that (it might make you busier for a while and you won't have as much time to focus on not being happy) because the baby will get big in just a few years and you'll be back to having time on your hands. Have you spoken with your husband about him ot making any decisions? Sometimes people get in a rut or habit and feel it's easier for one person to step up and make the decisions and he might not have any idea that you wish for him to make more decisions... It's always easy to think back on past relationships and think how they were perfect...but if you're not still together, then maybe they weren't perfect. I know yours seems more like a matter of timing, but you never know...maybe once you actually DID become a couple, things might not have worked out as well as you think now. People can become different in a relationship (not on purpose, but things are different when it is more than just friendship). |
| "barney1"]Are you sure this is the right time to be trying for this next baby? (Not to overstep my internet advice bounds or anything...)
Not overstepping, but we did wait over a year to make this decison, it was not made lightly, and we do both want this, and finally I do have something to be excited about. Infact I am hoping this might bring us out of the rut and get us started in a new direction. I'd be back in the social circuit we used to be in when we had the first two, before we moved...we had our first two before anyone in the family had theirs, or friends...our two kids are the oldest. Yes I think this is the perfect time, and I am not getting younger now, neither are the kids, so I can't let more time pass. Plus it is still a long wait 5-8 mths before the surgery. Have you spoken with your husband about him ot making any decisions? Sometimes people get in a rut or habit and feel it's easier for one person to step up and make the decisions and he might not have any idea that you wish for him to make more decisions... I have but gave up, I usually get annoyed that he can't make a decision...between corn and beans, or a parking space, or what product to use, to what hotel, which place to eat, vacations. So I plan everything, every detail, including what present he is buying me for our anniversary...it sucks the romance right out, and rather than hate every anniverary I just makes sure it is something I will love to do...after all I do the research about the place, and put the effort in...he just enjoys the ride, and I get bitter that I don't get any suprises. It's always easy to think back on past relationships and think how they were perfect...but if you're not still together, then maybe they weren't perfect. I know yours seems more like a matter of timing, but you never know...maybe once you actually DID become a couple, things might not have worked out as well as you think now. People can become different in a relationship (not on purpose, but things are different when it is more than just friendship). Possibly, and I wonder that all the time. I think I just got overwhelmed by nostaligia, having an intense dream while camping, and being back in my old home...it made me miss Matt so much, and I realised how much I miss having other friends...I know he's happy now, and I know I am married...and we are both moving in the right direction. It's just easier to be friends with people who already know everything about you, the good and the bad...I honestly feel that's a part of why I want to hold that friendship. But have no idea if I can unselfishly include spouses. I don't share well. It would probably be easier for me to say good-bye instead. |
| I waited to post because this hits close to home. I have recently gotten in touch with an old school friend but he knows I am happily married so we are being respectful and know that it is platonic.
For whatever reason you CHOSE your husband and the life that you have now. You did not choose this other man. When you decided to have children with your husband (and are considering it again) you sacredly bonded yourself to him thru thick or thin. I think it is SO easy to think that the grass is greener when you are safely in another yard. While it is fun to imagine and fantasize about what could have been, You are playing with fire. You have to seriously consider what your life would look like if you placed yourself in a compromising situation. The hurt, pain and confusion you would create would affect your children as well as you and your husband for the rest of your life
I wish you meditative moments to clear your mind and remember why it is that you love your husband enough to bring another child into this world with him. Blessings, Lark |
| I have Larkles, meditated on it. I never went to the point of considering cheating, or causin pain for everyone. I do have alot of respect for marriage and the bond, and children...I chose a really great man to be a husband and he is a wonderful father to the kids.
But no one is perfect, and yes the grass does look greener sometimes, I am truly trying to make mine the greenest ever...and refertilize it to...LOL....make a new sprout. Were you able to start a "new" friendship, and include him into the new life with hubby? Or did you decide to keep a comfortable distance and stay there? How's it going? I want the friendship back I think more than anything...after reading some of everyone's post I am kinda realising we had a great "friendship", if it was meant to be more we would have moved closer, or something to make it work...and when I had the opportunity I didn't take it. And then I was able to leave the work of a long term friendship and get engaged after 3 mths of dating a stranger (sort of...I knew his brother for years). I am a little mad at myself that I didn't try, at least if it didn't work then I wouldn't idealize that time of my life. If it worked, well I'd be married to someone else right now, and I'd never of known Rob. I don't want to imagine my life without Rob. Again I don't believe in fate, or things happening for a reason. I think life happens and we chose one thing or another. Something ironic, is that the girl from hubby's past "the what if one" for him...well she once inawhile e-mails me about her kids, and her hubby etc...keeps it fairly formal. Anyways she has been e-mailing him at work, he copied and sent the e-mails to me (I assume the whole messages), and the difference is her e-mails to him are light, cute, and cheery...you can feel the friendship/sparks still there, that comfort zone is evident. Those e-mails were innocent, about nothing....but I have been jealous of her our entire marriage. People compare me to her all the time, apparantly they spent 24/7 too until she moved away, and he followed for a visit one time...but somehow there a misunderstanding between them, something got communicated wrong, and they drifted a bit. She met a new guy, also waiting for Rob to claim his love for her a second time...but he didn't he felt this new guy is her life and wasn;t going to ruin that for her. She felt he gave up on them, and was hurt, and kept dating the new guy...married him. Rob met me next, I look like her, I have similar mannerisms, both from small town saskatchewan, country girls...he held onto me pretty tight....it moved along so fast. |
Daisie wrote: ...I am a little mad at myself that I didn't try, at least if it didn't work then I wouldn't idealize that time of my life. If it worked, well I'd be married to someone else right now, and I'd never of known Rob......
I don't want to imagine my life without Rob....... A little off topic, but the principal's about the same. One day while thinking and wondering how our lives would've been different if our dad hadn't died, I asked myself the following question: Ok, if I had a choice of bringing dad back or leaving life the way it was without him, what would I do? To bring him back meant giving up my stepdad and 3 sisters from his and moms marriage. I tried to imagine never knowing or having them in my life. I couldn't. After I thought about what I would have to give up in order for dad to be alive, I realized that as much as I loved him, I'd have to choose my sisters and stepdad. I can't imagine my life without them in it. I continued thinking about how I only got 14 years with dad, but that was enough time for me to learn about him and his love. It was enough time for him to teach me things of this world, and instill the morals and values I have as an adult. I then knew "why" it was necessary for him to leave my life. It was the beginning of a new blood line. Half mine, his and mom's and the other half my stepdad, mom and 3 of my sisters. They each have their own families now with children of their own. I can't imagine life without their kids in it. Its sad to think that they'll never get to know the grandparents they once had. If you were to have married the "other" guy, your children as you know them, would not be. You may have had kids, but they wouldn't have been the same ones. I know, if it worked out different you wouldn't have known the differance, but it didn't and you do know them. Can you idolize a past knowing what you have in your present would not be? God bless. |
| Thanks, those are good points, and I couldn't be happier with my kids, and it is hard to imagine them being replaced by two others.
Glad you and your family did so well and you have a great stepdad...life is so much easier to move forward when things are good. |
mouthypf wrote: One day while thinking and wondering how our lives would've been different if our dad hadn't died, I asked myself the following question: Wow. Deep thoughts for me!Ok, if I had a choice of bringing dad back or leaving life the way it was without him, what would I do? To bring him back meant giving up my stepdad and 3 sisters from his and moms marriage. I tried to imagine never knowing or having them in my life. I couldn't. After I thought about what I would have to give up in order for dad to be alive, I realized that as much as I loved him, I'd have to choose my sisters and stepdad. I can't imagine my life without them in it. |
| Update:
I guess I wasn't the only one to do some thinking. He was really happy to hear from me, but I suppose it brought up feelings or something for him too. He has been quiet all week, and e-mailed me today saying he's been sick all week. Then he adds, he feels it would be best not to have a renewed relationship/friendship now...considering we are both married. He doesn't feel right about it considering we had a past together. So that is that. |
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