A bit disapointed
She asked if Brad was still going into the military, I said "Yes," since that was the last thing we agreed on and he said to my surprise, "No, of course not! They kept pulling my leg too many times, etc! Besides, I like the job I have now and I'd like to keep it." I'm a little disapointed with him. I'm very happy he likes his pool inspecting job and all... but I'm just... I don't know. I guess I saw all of this as something temporary. Now it sounds like we are going to live here permanently?! I keep thinking "When was this decided?!" I don't mind moving out here in Beaufort... in fact I am soooo completely happy that we are going to get an apartment and live together. I was just kinda hoping that Brad would be motivated to lose the rest of his weight and go in... I don't want to force him to go, the military is not for everyone, but jeeze. He was so motivated to do it and if I said anything against it he was grumpy with me for a few days. 
I guess I'm a little disapointed that we won't be going, and with him for just giving up what he wanted to do and talked so passionately about. I sorta feel like now... we're going to be stuck in a rut. I didn't want to live in Beaufort forever. I'm going to talk to him about it - but I'm really not sure how to bring it up without hurting is feelings. He is so sensitive about stuff!  |
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| That's too bad, maybe he got news from the enrollment that disqualified him.
Have you asked him about it, why the change of heart. Something might have scared him...maybe with the moving and wanting a baby makes him scared to put his life out there. Maybe he realizes he doesn't possess the inner strength for it...life of war, and facing the thought of death like that, either his or someone else??? |
| Integra, I know how you feel....you just have to remind him that a marriage is a partnership..and it takes total communication on both parts.
Sometimes, especially in the first few years of marriage, people tend to look at their things and their life still as their own...but the true is, that it is now shared between 2 people...for some reason, my husband still has issues about this every now and then.... Its not worth yelling or crying about, but definately worth talking to him about!!! |
| He definitely should have talked about it with you. That's a major decision that affects you both. Military life isn't for everyone, and maybe Brad realized he doesn't want to be away from you? It is HARD. Jason is away a minimum of 6 months every year (with exception to this year - we've been lucky as he's only been away 3 months so far). He's missed first steps, first birthdays, holidays - so much of life that people take for granted. Jason is in it for the long haul, so this is my life for at least the next 8 years, if not longer. It started the week after we got married when he left for a 6 month deployment, so I guess I've had the past 7 years to get used to it. Each deployment is harder than the last though...and I know it's even harder on Jason. Maybe he just realized what was actually at stake and didn't want to put you/him through all of that? |
AWW THE JOYS OF MARRIAGE! I WOULD DEFINITELY BRING IT UP, BUT NOT IN A "HEY! I THOUGHT YOU WERE STILL THINKING ABOUT THE MILITARY!" SORTA WAY. MORE OF A, "WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT YOUR CAREER. HOW CAN I HELP YOU GET TO WHERE YOU WANT TO BE WITH IT?" YOU'LL FIND APPROACHING THESE THINGS FROM A HOW CAN I HELP, INSTEAD OF A WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED PROSPECTIVE TEND TO BE BETTER RECEIVED, AND GIVES YOU AN IN TO TALK MORE ABOUT YOUR FUTURE HOPES AND PLANS TOO 
MIKE DOES THIS TO ME ALL THE TIME  I'M THINKING ABOUT THIS CAREER, I'M THINKING ABOUT THAT CAREER. I'VE LEARNED NOT TO GET OVERLY EXCITED ABOUT ANY OF HIS IDEAS. I ENCOURAGE THE ONES I THINK WOULD BE A GOOD FIT, GENTLY DISCOURAGE THE ONES I DON'T, BUT HE'S STILL WORKING SECURITY AT THE PLANT... SO IT'S MOSTLY JUST TALK! (I DO HOPE HE GETS A BETTER PAYING JOB THOUGH, $$ IS TIGHT, AND HE'S NOT HAPPY WHERE HE IS ANYMORE!) |
Yeah, he definitely needed to tell me hehe.  He was just disapointed too many times I think. He is kinda pudgy and even though he lost 60 lbs they said "Oh wait, now you have to loose 30 more!" It sort of irked him I guess.
He shouldn't be too worried about a baby though, I do not really want them anyway. I wanted to finish school first, and I've told him several times before I would like to get my Master's degree and maybe even go on to get my phd in something I love. Then there will be time for kids. If that time never comes than I will be fine with that too. No regrets. And honestly, the military was going to be the best way for me to do that. Now the process will be even longer... or won't come at all if we stay here. The cost of living is pretty high and they don't pay you much... at all. There will be no way for me to pay off any debt.
I think it has a lot to do with wanting to be with me all the time too. He is glued to me and told me he had been secretely worried I might leave him if he went off. I told him he was being really... really stupid hehe. He finally got over that some time ago... but I wonder...
Ah well, I really need to talk to him about it. I would really like to know what's going on with him. I've actually been thinking about loosing some weight and going in myself lol. I believe I would be an officer. |
| So are you guys not living together now? That's got to be rough on a newly married couple.
Nothing against any military people, in fact, all the more props for being in the military at a time like this, but it's definitely a rough time to join. I can see the idea losing a little momentum with him. I saw something on Saturday Night Live that made me laugh because it really seemed like it must be true-- they were interviewing a "soldier" that had just gotten assigned border patrol and he said "These days, there are only 2 places to be stationed, Iraq and not Iraq." |
Quote: I don't want to force him to go, the military is not for everyone, but jeeze
You're absolutely right. Personally, I would hate to feel pressured in to support the family as well. I attend many classes because my husband is higher ranking, it's my job to greet, orientate, and counsel new military couples. If you talk to the Chaplain (military paster/minister) here, he will tell you that a lot of the guys want to get out because... they're scared! They don't want to go to Iraq AGAIN and chance getting killed. It changes them as a person. It changes everyone. They don't come back the same no matter what ANYONE tells you. Then there are the divorces that are a result to them always being gone and a HUGE increase because when these guys go home from Iraq... they cannot adapt back into their old lives. The wives have changed, they've changed ...despite contant communication that year. But when asked by the Chaplain WHY they stay in, it's because of the pressure they have from their wife a lot of times. The guilt. I would not pressure anyone to get in at this time. MOST of the jobs in the military and bases are moving to a rotation that is as follows: 1 yr deployment, home for 6 months, 1 yr deployment. A lot of these deployments aren't necessarily Iraq... could be Germany, Australia, and Bosnia ...but either way, you ain't going with him. That could possible be something he is thinking. It makes it very hard to raise a family or maintain a relationship this way. The people who are young have the hardest time. We are approaching a deployment right now, and my husband spends most of the time making sure their wife gets a ticket back to the states because of divorces. Wives can't handle it. They think they can/could before they signed up to this (and wives are VERY MUCH "in the military" with their husbands), but going through it first-hand is different. This may not be the case with him, but this is the hesitation for a lot of folks nowadays. That would be cool if you joined the military esp. if your husband is okay with that. The same problems ...even more if it's the woman gone, but people manage You just have to be able to handle being gone a lot and the idea of being deployed. If you want to become an officer (my husband is one), you'll have to finish your degree first, but that's always handy  |
| Please don't be offended, but I think you're more disappointed for yourself than for him. You had all your plans made, and now he's pulled the plug. You should really "think" about what joining the military means.
The most important thing is, he could be killed or injured physically. And, like Joahaeyo said, Quote: "They don't come back the same no matter what ANYONE tells you."... If sent to a war zone you WILL have a war zone at home for YEARS to come. You will be fighting a battle years later that you've forgotten about. But, not them. They still carry the memories and the guilt of killing.
Praise him for his weight loss. Help him to continue losing more. If depression sets in, the weight may come back, bringing with it even more depression. For better or worse, for richer or poorer, etc........ Marriage is not 50/50. Sometimes its 90/10. 
I'm sure you will find solutions to all the problems that present themselves before you! You sound like a sound minded, intelligent young lady. Just remember to prioritize your life. The one that includes both husband and wifes happiness. That's the key to success and happiness. When we fail to do that we allow things in that take away from the important things in life. God bless. |
mouthypf wrote: Please don't be offended, but I think you're more disappointed for yourself than for him. You had all your plans made, and now he's pulled the plug. You should really "think" about what joining the military means.
The most important thing is, he could be killed or injured physically. And, like Joahaeyo said, Quote: "They don't come back the same no matter what ANYONE tells you."... If sent to a war zone you WILL have a war zone at home for YEARS to come. You will be fighting a battle years later that you've forgotten about. But, not them. They still carry the memories and the guilt of killing.Praise him for his weight loss. Help him to continue losing more. If depression sets in, the weight may come back, bringing with it even more depression. For better or worse, for richer or poorer, etc........ Marriage is not 50/50. Sometimes its 90/10. I'm sure you will find solutions to all the problems that present themselves before you! You sound like a sound minded, intelligent young lady. Just remember to prioritize your life. The one that includes both husband and wifes happiness. That's the key to success and happiness. When we fail to do that we allow things in that take away from the important things in life. God bless. I love this post... it says so much.... and is said so well.... |
mouthypf wrote: Please don't be offended, but I think you're more disappointed for yourself than for him. You had all your plans made, and now he's pulled the plug. You should really "think" about what joining the military means.
You are completely right, I am more disapointed for myself. I think what it was, is that I spent so much of my time encuraging him because that's what he told me what wanted to do. At first I didn't know if I wanted him to go or not, and he would get really... REALLY mad about it. So I decided to look into becoming a military wife and started accepting and looking forward to it. We ended up getting married earlier because he had to go in NOW NOW NOW! He was the one who wanted to get married right away before he went in, I probably could have waited until he was out of camp. I didn't get to invite many of my family members to my wedding because it was last minute and my life was a living hell while I was trying to set up my wedding, deal with his family and go to classes at the same time.
I watched the wedding day I wanted to get married on go by, and we were still where we were. He stopped going to college because he told me he wanted to let the military pay for it instead. I let him thinking he would eventually go back. He told me we would travel or at least move out of state, instead he got a job here and we're staying in the town were are at now. (One of his mommy's suggestions). I did try to get us out of here with talking to him, but he ultimately made the choice to be here by getting the job he did. Of course if I questioned him about it... he got upset.
I am also disapointed for myself because he said he would take care of me and let me get my masters degree on up... but now he has stuck me in a place where I cannot get it (no where close enough) and I know he won't let me leave and live in a dorm room by myself. Don't get me wrong, I love him and I didn't want him to have to go to war at all. Part of me tells me I'm really glad he didn't, because he would've had the crud my uncle would have had. He was in the vietnam war and it messed him up a lot. Then the other part got a little upset when he said that to our friend, I guess it made me think "why did we have to get married so soon then?" It's not that I wouldn't have wanted to marry him, I would have just done it later after we were both finished with school and doing the things we needed to in order to have a better life together later. In a way, his confession is a bit like saying "We're staying here, I'm going to stay at this job forever because I'm making ok money and your not going to ever leave me and go to college and do what you want" While he didn't say THAT in THAT sentence, he has said things like "I want to stay here with me. Let's buy a place here - we can maybe leave later. You need to get a job a full time job and keep it so we can even make it (meaning I cannot go to school). You don't want to leave me do you? I want to stick with this job." He didn't even like the thought of me going to another state to "set up shop" so to speak, so we could move somewhere else. It would have required MAYBE a month of seperation that he just couldn't handle. I guess another reason why he wouldn't be good for the military. I feel a bit helpless right now, and I feel like I've been the one giving and giving and giving. I was the one who had to change my mind an accept that he was going to be in the military. I was the one who gave up my chance to get my master's degree for a while (if not forever). I have to keep on giving and it feels like I'm getting nothing back from him. I wish he would've given on just ONE thing at least, perhaphs not go to the military but let's move to another state... or even if we had to stay in this state... go closer to a college to make it a little easier for me.
I talked to him about stuff, about moving out of state, him going back to college, us doing something different. He gets excited about things, but I have to realize most of the time it's only words he's speaking - just to apease me I guess. It makes me sad to think that his friend was really the first one to find out that he didn't he want to go anymore. He hadn't even told me and we've still been talking about it. Sometimes I don't think he's the man I thought I married - he only shows me someone he thinks I'll like. 
I probably opened a big can of worms with this last post - but it's very hard right now to understand what's going on. I guess I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me and I don't even know what he's thinking anymore. When I ask he doesn't even give me a strait answer when I ask him a direct question. I'm not being angry with him. I don't yell or anything. I just wonder what's going on... I guess nothing?
Maybe someone will think I'm being whiney and wonder why I'm not doing something about what I'd like to do. I have been trying - but it has been very hard trying to figure out what I can do while my husband is hiding stuff. How can I plan if he doesn't even tell me what he wants? I dunno.
It's so weird what one sentence said to a friend would bring up all these questions in my mind. I guess it's been so drilled into my brain these past 2 years that it's hard to imagine what I'm supposed to do next. I was so excited about finally moving out with my honey thinking that this was just one small step in the right direction, now I'm wondering if it's just one big leap into a vat of quick drying cement. |
Joahaeyo wrote: That would be cool if you joined the military esp. if your husband is okay with that. The same problems ...even more if it's the woman gone, but people manage
You just have to be able to handle being gone a lot and the idea of being deployed. If you want to become an officer (my husband is one), you'll have to finish your degree first, but that's always handy Haha! He wouldn't be ok with it - he's my velcro husband. I think I would probably do better than he would in the military. I have finished my bachelor's degree so I think I would be able to be an officer imediately (can't spell!) - which would be nice.
I don't think women are allowed to fight on the field (of course - I could be wrong) and my vision is too poor for being a pilot. I'm sure I would see some pretty horrible stuff anyway but if I'm not doing any shooting my husband would probably be a lot happier. Maybe I should talk to him about losing some weight myself and going into the military. I could probably do admin work or work with dog training... *gasp* or get to yell at new recruits... oh what fun. |
| ahh.. Integra. It's always a bummer when your plans and hopes fall through. I can definitely see where your coming from... you pretty much centered your whole life plan for the last year around his going into the military and now, that's not in the scheme of things any more (and thanks for letting me know honey ). But, as far as your masters... don't let his needs shut down your dreams! Look at online courses, explore your options, check to see if your employer covers tuition reimbursement- many do in their field. There are many military options that do involve tuition help- the National Guard and Air National Guard for instance, that wouldn't involve you being away full time. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself too.
If getting your masters is that important to you, you need to tell him that, and then encourage him to help you figure out how to make that happen. don't make it a yes or now... make it a how! You're in this together, so get him active in helping you figure out how to make BOTH of your dreams possible! |
Integra Hellsing wrote: Maybe someone will think I'm being whiney and wonder why I'm not doing something about what I'd like to do. I have been trying - but it has been very hard trying to figure out what I can do while my husband is hiding stuff. How can I plan if he doesn't even tell me what he wants? I dunno. Integra, you're not being whiney. I see two possiblities - one, he may just be one of those people who is uncomfortable with change. He'll talk a good game but won't ever break out of his comfort zone. For a woman like you, who has goals and ambitions, he may not be the best partner. No offense to him. But if he's happy to stay where he is and do what's he's doing, and you want to expand your horizons, then you have a lot to think about. Whatever you do, DO NOT let him talk you into having a child until you're happy with where the two of you are going as a couple. You're too young to rush into that. Possibility two - he's manipulating you. By making decisions without you and being evasive, he's taking you where he wants to go without allowing you any feedback at all. I've been there. Take a look at a book called CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie. mouthypf wrote: For better or worse, for richer or poorer, etc........ Marriage is not 50/50. Sometimes its 90/10.
But it shouldn't ever be 100/0. I agree - compromise is vital to marriage. But a compromise assumes that you choose to put aside your priorities to support someone else. If a person isn't given the choice, they're going to feel bitter and the relationship will be poisoned. And just remember - you haven't been married long! You can take your time to work these things out. |
Quote: Sometimes I don't think he's the man I thought I married - he only shows me someone he thinks I'll like.
I know this is a difficult time, but the key is communication. I do a fair bit of pre-marital counseling, and it is very hard for men to open up. Women do a much better job, and are much better at sharing their feelings. Most new research points to the fact that we are hard-wired differently. The only way to get past it and to begin to understand one another is to talk things through. This will likely be hard, especially if your husband is disinclined to do so. Encourage him to. Tell him you want to know what he's feeling. HE may not even know what he's feeling. Its more common than you might think. It helps to have a friend to talk with so you can vent, and if this forum helps provide that, all the better. If you can, go together and talk with someone, a trusted friend or pastor, especially someone who has some training in this area. If that is not possible, there are some excellent books with questions and studies to help you through some issues. I recommend "Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts" (or even after) by Dr. Les Parrott, or "Love for a Lifetime" by Dr. James Dobson. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. |
| We talked a little last night and he said that one of his goals was to save up some money so we could move away and get a place. He said he would like to go to TN with me after all. Of course he listed a few other places on top of that I wasn't too sure about.
He said that if we have enough money he'll think about going to college again to get a business degree or something. Too bad - he wanted to go into anthropology before - but he gave that up to do the military thing. I wonder if he'll be able to do it now? I guess as long as he's happy with what he's doing it'll be alright. Of course, he his HORRIBLE at saving money. I'm pretty good, but I think he's a bit too leary of letting me handle it because he wants to be "tha man"
But like I said before - he has said so much that it's hard to tell when he is being even half serious. I've talked to him about going to some kinda counceling before because I thought we needed it. He was very defensive and thought they would tell us to break up. I sorta laughed and told him that was what they were there to prevent. Everytime I asked after that he began fighting with me and asking very angry questions about how he was treating me and didn't he get me everything I wanted? Sort of like a "how dare you?!" kinda thing.
I would probably write more about what happens - but it's very personal and I'm not sure if I would be completely comfortable writing everything down like this on a public forum. I'd feel better if it was a one on one sort of thing with someone who knows something about relationships in general rather than personal experience. Nothing against personal experience - it's just everyone is different and someone with a calm and understanding husband wouldn't probably understand where I'm coming from and give me advice that wouldn't work.
The only thing I can really say, is that sometimes my special someone makes me feel conflicted to the point were I'm not even sure what's going on anymore with my emotions. I feel horribly confused about how I should feel about certain things. The thing is, I used to be so balanced and felt at peace within my own skin. Now I find myself feeling a bit alien within myself and frightened for the future. I'm not sure if it's me just being weird about our marriage or if it's just him him being manipulative. I keep thinking it's the later but I could be wrong.
Thank you for the book idea, but I would have to hide it from my husband. He would wonder what's going on if he found it and if I tried to explain buying it before hand he would probably get really upset and think I was tryng to divorce him.
He's weird like that.
I guess I could buy it and hide it in my office... |
| You guys have some serious issues.
If you are worried that you can't buy a book about anything, and he's so untrusting of you and/or so insecure about your relationship that he's afraid you want to divorce him, and you are thinking that he's trying to manipulate you, I think that there's something seriously wrong somewhere. If he won't go to counselling with you, I'd suggest you go without him. |
| I agree with Ron.
Life is too wonderful to spend it unhappy, conflicted, or letting someone manipulate you. You sound like you feel trapped, and that is no way to live your life. You are so young and have so many aspirations, please remember that this is your life and you do have options. I also think education is one of the most wonderful things int he world, and if you want to get your masters degree you should not let anyone get in your way. Many graduate programs are generous with stipends if you TA or teach undergrads, and there are other options like financial aid. good luck! |
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