Another I Can't Believe It Story
My Dad does VERY well for himself as a private real estate and estate planning attorney. I've always been expected to give him and my stepmom gifts and was often told when they were returned due to not liking them, not needing them... Which still makes me feel badly. My Grandpa (Dad's Dad) used to give me $10 for my bday too and would say "Don't spend it all in one place". This used to annoy me as I was the only grandkid. Looking back my Grandpa was on a fixed income so this was probably all he could give me. Okay, so I try to rationalize Dad's gift by saying: 1. He did offer to pay for dinner but we insisted 2. It was a re-gift and he didn't think to check the balance 3. The store made a mistake After talking to my best friend, I decided to send an email to Dad and stepmom (they will check it while on vacation) to thank them for the $10 gift card" and that I used it to buy a great book and I wished them well on their vacation. I kind of feel bad about it, but if it was a mistake wouldn't Dad want to fix it? I'm trying to think optimistically..either than or he's going to be really pissed off. I tried to put it as nicely as I could... |
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| I think that is ridiculous, and you don't sound like a spoiled brat at all. Next time I say let them pay for dinner... and order the lobster! |
| I am not sure I understand why you were receiving a gift on Father's Day or what was wrong with your email thanking them for the card. If they were just regifting a card they received, what difference does it make how much it was worth -- its free money to you. I must be missing something. |
| Stacy's birthday was on fathers day |
| Oh! That's lame. But I guess I would try to shrug it off. Life is too short. |
| The whole situation sucks, Stacy. The "polite" way is to be thankful for a gift and be glad that you could go out to dinner with your dad and stepmom for your birthday. The reality is that it is insulting that your dad and stepmom would give you a $10 gift card.
I too would want to make sure that the $10's wasn't a mistake. Realistically there is not much you could buy with a gift card for only $10. If that is the amount they intended...then there is nothing else to do. It is too bad that this had to ruin (at least partially) your birthday. |
Sorry, Stacy. Given the story you've told about their gift expectation it seems a little low. On my side of the family it would be considered odd. On my husband's side he may not get anything, but they don't expect anything except cake and a hug, either, so for him it's normal and we wouldn't feel slighted. Tough situation, but I think the e-mail sounds like a polite way of thanking them.  |
killerprncss wrote: The reality is that it is insulting that your dad and stepmom would give you a $10 gift card.
Just one of the long list of "insulting" thing, but everyone thinks they are "right" in their own state of mind. I can buy a book from the clearance section. |
| This is the email I sent. Sounds okay, right?
"Hi there! Thank you for the $10 gift certificate to Borders gift card which just assisted me in purchasing a book online. I'm looking forward to it as my sheepdog forum is starting a book club. I hope all is well in Mexico and you're enjoying the sunshine! Steve took Fozzie out to Aurora yesterday and I stayed home with Annie after I got a massage, scrapbooked and watched some tv. It was a very nice relaxing birthday." Even my MIL spent more on my bday present...a nice red platter I mentioned a while back. She at least paid attention! FYi - Still haven't bought the book for the club. You guys go ahead and start without me.  |
| Your e-mail sounded fine! And yes that is a pretty pathetic card amount... it's be one thing if that was all they could afford, but considering the circumstances.... that's pretty sad.
Don't let it get ya down. Do some Borders have used book sections? You could buy a few books in there for 10$! |
| Does this somehow fit into the previous thread about your inlaws being inappropriate with a money gift? |
Ron wrote: Does this somehow fit into the previous thread about your inlaws being inappropriate with a money gift?
I agree!! I also wonder, who bought the gift card, your Dad or his wife? Perhaps your Dad isn't even aware of the amount? I think there is a whole lot tied up in this...............welcome to the world of dysfunctional families!!!!! I would do just what you did, send a nice thank you, and then just let it go. |
| That would hurt to only get a $10 gift card when you know they are well off. I think if they had bought an actual gift for $10, that would have been different - they put some thought into it. For a gift card, it should have been more.
My grandfather used to only give me $5 for my birthday too. Now, he gives the boys $5 for theirs if he remembers its their birthdays. The thing with him is he has a ton of money. He's just stingy with it. I'm always telling him to spend it on himself since he's the one who worked hard and invested well to earn it. He refuses to do so and keeps it sitting in his bank. He drives a VERY old truck without any a/c at all (unheard of here in Mississippi), paid cash for his house so doesn't have a mortgage, he finally got a phone after I pestered him about it enough not being able to check on him (he lives about 2 hours away), no cable, he's a veteran so he gets to go to the vet hospital when he's sick, etc... The only bills he has are groceries, vet bills, lights, water, insurance, phone, and gas. I really think he should splurge on himself more. Well, he did just buy Spanky (his dog that passed away around Thanksgiving) a tombstone for the tune of $400 & it's sitting in my parent's backyard where he buried Spanky now... I have to say my parents weren't too happy - lol That's not exactly what I meant when I told him to splurge on himself. I was hinting at him traveling or at least buying himself a decent used car where he wouldn't have a heat stroke driving somewhere. |
| Has he been cheap all your life? At some point, you just have to accept people are who they are and not let it ruin your day. |
Valerie wrote: Has he been cheap all your life? At some point, you just have to accept people are who they are and not let it ruin your day.
It's not that he's been cheap, but stingy. He spends a lot of money on himself or makes investments. When I was younger he gave me and Mom a hard time and said he didn't have $$$. Yet, we watched as he build a huge new house for my stepmom and her two kids, went on vacations, drove expensive cars...My stepmom is always worrying that they don't have money but I know they do and Dad tells her to stop worrying. Who knows... |
| He sounds like a jerk. But if you can adjust your expectations, hopefully you can avoid being disappointed, because that only ruins your day. I find that being mad at people for being the way they have always been doesn't bring much sunshine into my life. |
Valerie wrote: But if you can adjust your expectations, hopefully you can avoid being disappointed, because that only ruins your day. I find that being mad at people for being the way they have always been doesn't bring much sunshine into my life.
Well said.... |
| That's too bad...I think all your assumptions are good ones. I have a feeling it was a re-gift, or they just didn't care.
Perhaps they counted on the dinner being your present and the gift card as a topper. However I have never bought a decent book for $10, I would have made it at least $20...or 25. That from me is a cheap gift for someone I am not close to but feel it necessary to give them something. Perhaps this is some sort of backlash from the wedding money thing? And they are trying to make some sort of insult or point of a cheap gift. |
Willowsprite wrote: Valerie wrote: But if you can adjust your expectations, hopefully you can avoid being disappointed, because that only ruins your day. I find that being mad at people for being the way they have always been doesn't bring much sunshine into my life. Well said.... Thanks. As I was walking home, I thought maybe I was being a killjoy on a good vent. Stacy -- you sound so upset and it seems like you've been upset by him so many times like this in the past. If you are letting off steam, I totally get that. I just want you to be happy.  (that kiss is for you) |
Daisie wrote: Perhaps this is some sort of backlash from the wedding money thing? And they are trying to make some sort of insult or point of a cheap gift.
I think the wedding money thing was Steve's family where this is Stacey's dad. |
| WHERE is the scorecard? I couldn't keep track of the FIRST story! |
| My dad has always been stingy....Never bought any of his "8" kids a present until we all left home. And even now he doesn 't give us anything unless he is asked to....Which some of my siblings have done....He is loaded.
I have no idea what he will do with all his money. He has been wearing the same clothes for years, never buys furniture or travels, and lives in his female friend's house. I see him about once a year or every 2nd year as he lives far away. When we visit I always make sure we all go out for dinner and he is expected to pay the whole thing. We never offer to pay and we have no guilt feelings at all. Our parents can only disappoint us if we let them. Stacy, you know now what to expect (or NOT) so don't let them do it to you again. Bummer...  |
| I would've sent an e-mail thanking him for the half of a book you could afford to buy with the $10 he gave you. Seriously, at your age, he should either give nothing or make it worthwhile. I'd rather just get a card than $10. Heck, I have that much change on the floor of my car at any given moment.
There is nothing that bothers me more than cheap or stingy people. It's one thing to not have enough money to buy gifts but it's another to shortchange people and make them feel unappreciated because you don't want to part with a few bucks. I'd tell him how you feel, or maybe even ask him how he came up with that magic number... |
ButtersStotch wrote: Heck, I have that much change on the floor of my car at any given moment.
I would like to vacuum your car out please?? Stacy, I would say "thanks for your $10 gift card which afforded me that lovely magazine & cup of coffee" just fyi, my mom gave me a 2 $25 gift cards to Petsmart once and one of them had only a zero balance on it when we went to use it for the first time. It was the first giftcard she ever purchased and she didn't think about keeping the receipt. Petsmart just gave us a look like we were trying to rip them off. So I'm hoping maybe the store goofed! |
| This sounds an awful to say Stacey but two can play the same game. Just don't spend too much of them when it's their birthdays. There are many people in this world who are 'near the bone', but, perhaps there has been a mistake made somewhere and it will be rectified. I hope so anyway. |
Mmmmm, I'd be tempted to save the gift card and give it to him for his birthday  , but then I AM mean and petty  |
| Thank you all for letting me vent and wearing my emotions on my sleeve. l'm flabbergasted and feel slapped in the face. The thing is everything they do is so random. They have always been so inconsistent and withholding. I never know what's up or down or what I'm supposed to do. I feel I should have this figured out by now. I always feel like I owe them something, but I don't know what. I'm constantly disappointed by them and apparently they by me (believe me my dad tells me). Then on the other hand, my Mom always tells me how wonderful I am and how proud she is of me...never wavers and is always consistent in her love. I know there are people out there that have had it much worse than me. Sometimes I do think it may have been easier if he had completely abandoned me rather than partially. At least it would've been consistent.
Here was my Dad's response to the email I sent (posted on first page of thread) "GLAD YOU ENJOYED. hAVING GREAT TIME. LOVE" Here was my stepmom's respnose to the email I sent: "Glad you enjoyed your day. It sounds like you did what you enjoy. Always great on any day to have the luxury of time to do that." Apparently they both read my email and read nothing into the $10 and I guess that's what they intended to give me. I'm so upset and disappointed My MIL spent more on a platter I had mentioned I wanted. It was at least nice of her to put some thought into it and they actually drove to get it on Father's Day. |
| Stacy, I think for your own well being you have to accept them for who they are. Vent when you need to but realize that some things never change. I suspect they don't even have a clue that there was anything out of the ordinary about their gift. You are lucky to have your Mom, focus on that.
It's all relative anyway. I absoultely adore my Dad but he has never once remembered my Birthday, it's just the way he is. Sometimes I get upset about it (after all I am a twin so it's two Birthdays he's forgetting) but then I try to focus on the good things about him and forget his shortcomings. |
Tasker's Mom wrote: but then I try to focus on the good things about him and forget his shortcomings.
It's sad, but I rack my brain and honestly can't think of one good thing other than he's a good businessman. I ask myself all the time, "what am I getting out of this relationship?" I've tried over the years to distance myself as much as possible. Now they live in the city so we see them minimally. It's okay if he doesn't make an efforts, but if I don't...I hear about it. It's a no win situation and I just wonder if I cut myself off completely would I be better off. Then I couldn't be disappointed. |
| Have you told him how you feel? |
Stacy wrote: Now they live in the city so we see them minimally. It's okay if he doesn't make an efforts, but if I don't...I hear about it. It's a no win situation and I just wonder if I cut myself off completely would I be better off. Then I couldn't be disappointed.
My advice (which is worth just what you pay for it ) is to set your expectations lower, then you won't be dissappointed. You know the old saying, you can pick your friends but not your family. For what it's worth he is your family and that will never change. Cutting yourself off from him becomes a bit like cutting off your nose to spite your face and I can't help but think that someday you might regret that decision. If you can lower your expectations, and thus raise your threshold for hurt you can develope a relationship with him on your terms. |
| You got the most precious birthday gift you could recieve, but you don't see it. The gift is: "YOUR DAD" & "TIME".
My Dad died when I was 14. My Mom and StepDad "both" died (7 days apart) when I was 30. Birthday gifts are a thing of the past. I would gladly give you the difference in what you expected as a gift, and what you received if it would buy me more time with my parents. Even if it was just for a day, an hour or a few minutes. Kids see dads and moms through "their" eyes. You may think they're being stingy or greedy, but perhaps they're waiting on you to show them you're mature enough to handle more, or for you to make them "feel" that you really appreciate what they do for and/or give you. Sometimes if a person feels used, it makes it hard for them to want to give freely, therefore through your eyes they look greedy. We have to step out of our childish minds into the minds of an adult to truely see our parents. When someone gives you a "gift" it's given. You have no say in what it is or how much it cost, that's what makes it a "gift", regardless who its from. But, aside from gifts of money and things, you have the gift of "TIME", use it wisely. Don't mourn over a $10 gift certificate, rejoice that your dad is still with you, and make every day "father's day"! And, like Ron, I think you need to put your cards on the table and talk to your dad. You'd probably find that your relationship will improve with communication. Good luck and God bless. jmop Not that you asked  |
| I would do what Ron said and actually tell him how you feel. Some people do NOT get sarcasm (especially when they cannot hear it in your voice since it's on an e-mail). If you say one thing when you mean another it doesn't really help him figure you out.
My husband grew up with his mother and I spent most of my time with my father (so we picked up a few traits from them). His mother will never tell anyone how she feels - she expects them to figure it out I guess. My father raised me to just say what you mean - if you can be tackful - then great (but don't try too hard). I can tell you now that it's very frustraiting when my husband gives me these clouded messages and I'm supposed to figure them out. I sometimes just wish he would tell me what he wants so I can fix it. That being said, I know you feel. It's kinda disapointing when your dad goes out and does lots of nice things for himself and then just gives you a card. Last year my father bought my brother a computer for his birthday, spent my tuition money on junk for himself and then gave me a $20 gift card to walmart for my birthday. I was disapointed, but I wasn't about to act ungreatful - I could have gotten nothing at all! I would like to stress that presents will come and go but you only have one dad. Even though I don't get anything fun on my birthday anymore I'm just glad to have my dad around one more year. He's getting pretty old and I want to enjoy him while he's still here to tell me fun stories. |
| My relationship with my Dad is a very complicated and hurtful one. Although he's gotten better in the past few years, I've always found him to be emotionally abusive and condescending throughout my life. It would take forever for me to explain and I'm sure noone would want to hear it anyway.
Thank you all for letting me vent. I know there are people out there that would have loved to enjoy their parents for a longer time. I hope my Mom lives FOREVER, but sadly I know she won't. I at least have been blessed with her for a parent. Unfortunately, there are many people out there that had no business being parents at all. I do wish more people would consider this as a potential option for them. Ron wrote: Have you told him how you feel?
I've expressed how I feel about things in the past. I finally gave up when he would typically yell or hang up the phone on me. How's that for teaching maturity?? |
| Stacy, I feel for you!!! Our relationhip with our parents can be difficult whether you are 10 years old or 50. No one could push my buttons like my Mother could!!!! It would amaze me that at 48 years old I would suddenly become emotionally a child again when dealing with my Mom. It sounds like you will never change your relationship with your Dad, and the dynamics are not likely to change with time. What you can change is how YOU RESPOND to that relationship.
It isn't easy but somehow you need to strengthen yourself from the inside!!! |
| Stacy, belated Happy Birthday!
Here's my advice: 1. Take the $10 as the new standard of gifts from you to your dad and step mom. Do not waste another moment shopping for them or worrying about their returns. Buy them each a $10 gift card to an appropriate shop. I know a lot of families that don't exchange gifts at all after the children becaome adults. A small gift card is enough to be a token "I'm thinking of you" gift. Just think of how much you will save in both money and aggravation. 2. Spend the extra money on your sheepies, who will appreciate the extra treats and love you unconditionally. 3. Don't cut your Dad off, but do take away his power over you. Nothing your father does or says has any impact on what a fabulous person you are. His actions are all about him, not about you. He may give you little - or nothing - and that doesn't make you any less deserving or less special. The only way he can make you feel bad about yourself is if you let him. So don't! |
Bailey's Mom wrote: Stacy, belated Happy Birthday!
3. Don't cut your Dad off, but do take away his power over you. Nothing your father does or says has any impact on what a fabulous person you are. His actions are all about him, not about you. He may give you little - or nothing - and that doesn't make you any less deserving or less special. The only way he can make you feel bad about yourself is if you let him. So don't!  ABSOLUTELY!! |
| Thanks, guys! Those are excellent suggestions which I will take to heart! |
Bailey's Mom wrote: Stacy, belated Happy Birthday!
Here's my advice: 1. Take the $10 as the new standard of gifts from you to your dad and step mom. Do not waste another moment shopping for them or worrying about their returns. Buy them each a $10 gift card to an appropriate shop. That's a fantastic idea, Sue. My ex-boyfriend's parents decided after a few years of us dating that a pair of socks from the dollar store was a great gift for the girl that their son loved. He had 2 little sisters that I always got nice things for so it really hurt my feelings that they thought so little of me. I preferred getting nothing than to get insulted like that, especially since everyone else at the family party got real gifts that looked like they put thought into. So the next year, everyone got socks for Christmas from me. The look on his parents' faces was priceless. (I later took the girls out and gave them real gifts but told them not to tell their parents. ) |
ButtersStotch wrote: So the next year, everyone got socks for Christmas from me. The look on his parents' faces was priceless.
Jill, that's perfect!! You can't change them so you might as well get a laugh out of it  |
ButtersStotch wrote: My ex-boyfriend's parents decided after a few years of us dating that a pair of socks from the dollar store was a great gift for the girl that their son loved. He had 2 little sisters that I always got nice things for so it really hurt my feelings that they thought so little of me. I preferred getting nothing than to get insulted like that, especially since everyone else at the family party got real gifts that looked like they put thought into. So the next year, everyone got socks for Christmas from me. The look on his parents' faces was priceless. (I later took the girls out and gave them real gifts but told them not to tell their parents.
)OMG Jill, That was so funny!!!
Stacy, Sorry about your Dad's stinginess. My Grandmother was like that. She was loaded and Dad said why don't you ask Grandma for some money for a new car. I told her I needed a new car, my car was literally falling apart. Her and my Grandfather had bought my cousin's their first cars, so I thought she would at least give me some money towards it. She hands me $5 and tells me to put it toward my car fund. Thanks Grandma!! Though I did get lot of laughs when telling the story and I can finally laugh at it. I didn't at the time though. My Dad thought it was hysterical. |
| Stacy,
I'm sorry for the hurtful relationship you've had with your dad, and your disappointment with your birthday gift. |
You guys are just too much! Thanks for the laughs and to know I'm not the only with with goofy family members  |
Stacy wrote: You guys are just too much! Thanks for the laughs and to know I'm not the only with with goofy family members
No, you are NOT the only one!!! I could write books about my and my husband's families. Don't get me started!! |
Drezzie's Mom wrote: Stacy wrote: You guys are just too much! Thanks for the laughs and to know I'm not the only with with goofy family members No, you are NOT the only one!!! I could write books about my and my husband's families. Don't get me started!! You're definitely not alone, Stacy! My grandmother never drove in her life. So, my sis and I took turns taking her to the grocery store. She lived 15 miles from us. Once, when I took her home from the store, she tried to give me $5 for gas. I told her that I didn't want it. She argued with me and insisted that I take it. So, finally, after about 10 mintues of that, I gave in. Figured it would be easier and perhaps make her feel good. By the time I got home, my aunt was on the phone fussing because I "charged" grandma to take her to the store!! Apparently, she called my aunt and told her she had to pay me to take her to the grocery store. You can't win! |
| Tammy,
That is why I hit up my Grandma for money for a new car. I was her personal chauffeur. I took her to the Dr, to the store...etc She never even had a license. So you'd think she'd want to help me out...since the care she was being driven around in was falling apart and in the shop on a weekly basis. I don't think she ever even gave me gas money. Just the $5 towards the new car fund. At that point I think $5 would have bought me half a tank of gas. Or two packs a cigarettes, but definitely not a new car. |
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