Taking a family member into your home
He's admitted to wanting drugs, smoking again, and wants to party. Not the father figure she wants around their daughter. He was so excited about having a baby, and I do think he can stand up and be a better person. But he doesn't want to work at it. All his promises are gone...suprise, suprise. She's afraid he will be cheating soon, to get a fix after the porn thing, and she now has to worry about std's. She wants out, but can;t go to her mom's...they live in a trailer, and her other two adult children are back home. Her sister is totally messing up her life, and stressing the mom to no end. She did say her brother would find an apt and they can share expenses, he'll help with the baby. But until then, I offered her our house. My kids can share a room for awhile, but this cannot turn into a permanent thing. How do I do this, and make it clear that as much as we want to help, this can't get comfortable for her. We don't mind giving a hand, and being there. But we cannot afford to support her and a baby for very long. She has maternity leave paychecks, and family allowance. How would we deal with the husband...my husband biggest fear is he may start harassing her, calling here, making visits...we don't want him being an issue. We do not know him well at all, my husband has not even met him. We have a 3 bedroom house...no extra rooms to convert. It is a small house. I would love her company, and I would totally love to have baby in the house again. |
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| You are such a nice family member! That is really nice what you are doing.
I think that what you have to do is to state right away that this is only temporary and that she can't plan on staying with you for an extended period of time. You could even write it down and have her sign it saying she understands the terms and have it notarized. If you are truly scared of the husband, you could try and get a restraining order, at least against your own house, so he can't come near you or your immediate family. I remember you writing about her and her situation before. I'm sad that it didn't get better... |
| That's right, she was pregnant and worried that with them living in his parents home, and the fatherinlaw a chain smoker being around the baby would be harmful. So they finally moved after 1 mth, came here to the city...but now the rest of the marriage is being faced.
Her husband is exactly like his dad...and that really scares her. She doesn't want to be there anymore, she is not a quitter but is exhausted trying to work it out. Esp since he is not willing to meet her half way. He refuses counselling, he refuses to quit the porn addiction, he wants to be out at night, he wants to start smoking again. He doesn't care what this is doing to her at all. He is younger than her too, and they are both young, around 20 / 21 I think?? She is a beautiful girl, with the sweetest personality, and unfortunately made some big mistakes and wrong choices, but hind sight is always 20/20. I lived with her mom, and she is the middle child of 3...so I was always the babysitter, big sister to her and the other two. A huge part of my early adult life. I lived with them for off and on 7 years after I graduated from highschool...paid my bills, and contributed to groceries, and of course a free babysitter, housecleaner etc. She knows what struggles her mom had raising 3 kids by herself, and the absence of a father (drug addicted, alcoholic dad, cheated multiple times on her mom.) He hasn't changed, and even went to a stronger drug recently, he (her dad) visited her recently. Her mom remarried 3 years ago, and all the kids are adults now, but they can;t seem to grow up, be responsible adults, and their mom feel guilty so she keeps helping them out and enabling them. her sister is diagnosed with a bipolar disorder, and anorexia...and is eventually divorcing her husband of 1 year...but neither has filed. He lives in Florida. Her brother is doing well but can't leave the comforts of mommy doing his stuff...he has a job tho. What should be a new start in her 40's, is going to send her to an early grave, or the new husband will get so tired of the drama. This middle child, with the baby, is the smartest, has an education, and went to college to be a medical office person...worked pregnancy...and needs someone in her corner for a change. BUT I don't know if we can handle the drama this potentially can make. A contract is what I was thinking but I feel weird doing it. |
| I would feel odd about a contract too...but it seems to necessary.
It may even be to the benefit of your cousin. If you state the terms of this agreement and set a time limit (possibly with wiggle room) that means that your cousin will be able to plan for her and her childs future using a definite time limit at your home. She will be able to use this to move forward and not "wallow" in what may have been. She can plan the necessary steps to start her life over. Setting a time limit and having it in a signed contract will also relieve some stress from you. You will know when your household will get back to "normal" and when your direct involvement in any "drama" will be over. Amanda |
| I just got an e-mail from her today, just now actually. She is conflicted, he of course agrees they have fallen out of love, and things feel different. BUT he wants to keep working on it, and admits to having a problem...he wouldn't admit it before.
Her mom already said they don;t have room for her...she cannot go there. Her brother took back his offer (kind of)...so now it's becoming tougher for her to leave. She will wait and see, she is pushing for couselling, and if he takes that she will be willing to work on it. I do have have to say I have a great husband, and altho we have had our differences as any married couple does...I would not trade this for anything. I have a hard time understanding where she is coming from. My parents divorced when I was 2 ish...so I never saw fighting. I was raised by my grandparents, who gave me a very clear understanding of true love, and when she died from cancer I was 9 yrs old. My grandfather never stopped loving her. he remarried and divorced, and has since passed away. But I think as a mother, and a wife we have a crucial role to make sure our girls grow up with self respect, knowing exactly how we deserve to be treated. And to teach our sons how to respect their wives, just as they would their mothers. |
| I agree with your statements about the respect and everything. Kids see stuff as they grow up and whether or not they realize it, they tend to adopt those behaviors as their own (good and bad), so of course it is important for your cousin to find the best situation for them.
Maybe the husband will come around. Like you said he is AWFULLY young and I'm sure it is hard for him to realize how much responsibilty he has in his life now (compared to many people his own age). It sounds like the porn (and the smoking, drugs and alcohol) are a form of escape for him. If he is willing to get a handle on those behaviors, things might work out. Also, maybe having her be serious about moving out will really get his attention and make him realize he's going to lose her. Unless you wouldn't mind her living with you indefinitely, I still think the contract (or something similar) might be the best way to go. That way, 5 years from now when she is still living with you and your own kids are too big to share a room (or whatever), you can say, remember when we signed this...and you can make the document the bad guy, rather than just you... |
| You should do so with open arms. A contract is useless, actually in my opinion a waste of time. The only thing that will cause is hurt feelings.
Yes, you can put it all in writing, but when her time limit expires that contract will mean nothing. YOU will be the one to put her out, not that piece of paper. It will only make her feel unwelcome in the first place. If you fail to include a cluase stating that if ...................... doesn't work she has to leave before the expiration date, or YOU will be the one breaking the contract. Be VERY careful what you put in writing. Husband is a normal jerk. Has a lot of growing up to do. How much of his behavior was the same before they married as it is now. Sounds like she already knew he smoked. Big deal. Pick your fights wisely. You can't make the world a special place just for "you". Tell her to get off the smoking, allow occasional drinking AT HOME, but give up the drugs and porno. You can't ask someone to give up everything at one time. You set them up for failure when you do. |
| How luckey she is to have someone like you to help her. I think you need to make your expectations clear from the start. Together with her come up with a long term "plan", I don't think you need to make a contract. then help her to follow the plan. GIve her a reasonable time frame to find a job, a new place to live etc. But make it clear that is what you expect.
I would not allow the husband to come to your home, especially if you have children. An addiction to porn is like any other addiction, the person in the midst of it is not thinking with a "right" mind. Good Luck. |
| I agree with much of what has been said, and particularly Ginny's observation that you both need to be thinking about a long term plan. If you don't want her to stay with you indefinitely, then what do you see as her next positive move and what are the steps to get her there. Then you can set expectations like, for example, she can stay with you as long as she and her husband are doing couples therapy, or as long as she is doing job training, or applying to at least one job a week, or has a job and can pay rent, or does specific things around the house in lieu of rent, etc. Perhaps you are willing to baby sit while she works to save money to be on her own? If you don't have her exit strategy clear in mind, I think you could end up frustrated by the arrangement. I think writing things down is good because it reminds people what they agreed to when they were in a needier state of mind. Whether it is enforceable or not, it is a good discussion tool. |
| While I find your offer admirable what will you do in six months if her situation hasn't resolved itself? Are you prepared to evict her if it should come to that? Are you also willing to put your own children in a potentially dangerous situation with her husband, because the reality of a restraining order is that they don't often work. A contract may be good idea but are you actually willing to enforce it if she has nowhere else to go? |
| If you were going to do it I don't think a contract is a good idea either....
As admirable as your idea may be, there are some situations where you really have to put yourself and your own kids first. What kind of influence is this persons turmoil going to be on your kids? I'm not saying not to help, you helping sets a good example too, but helping cannot put yourself or your kids in a dangerous situation as Holly said. I had to kind of set my own brother at a distance for a few years when his drinking got out of control. His behavior was not something I wanted around my kids and although I know he would never hurt them, it is just not something I wanted them to see. My mother was angry with me and said I should help him, let him stay with us, but her always helping him hasn't "helped" in the long run either. After I put my foot down and said I didn't want anything to do with him til he cleaned up his act, he actually did settle down after a while. I think it was 3 years of barely speaking to him, but when he did show up at my door again he was in good shape, and seemed to appreciate me "opening his eyes" for him. Your friend needs to do what she feels is best for her and her children, and what she decides may not be what you agree with. You can still be there to support and help her, but I wouldn't do it at a cost to your children. Everything they see and learn will stay with them forever. |
| Did you figure out a plan yet? |
| Well, I didn't necessarily mean a contract contract per se, but along the lines of what others said, that there has to be absolute understanding between you and your cousin if you want a defined timeframe. If you are fine with her being there for however long, that's fine, but if you are thinking 5 months tops, then she needs to know that and know it is definite.
I've seen and heard of too many instances like this where the person who moves in is VERY hard to get back out of the house (various reasons)... |
| Hi everyone, I do have an update.
With the long weekend passed, I have time to fill you in. On Friday night he went out with his friends, and some guys from work...to party during and after the hockey game. He phoned her at about 2 am and said he's not coming home. She had no idea where he was or what he was doing. Her brother came from and hour away to be with her. She phoned me in the morning at about 10 am, he still wasn't...she was between furious and worried. Convinced he slept with someone, she wanted to be out of the apt. So she asked if she could come to my house to think, and get some distance. He did call after that, said he left his original group of friends...she called a couple of them and they had no idea who he left with. Apparantly he went to a convience store and some guy let him sleep it off in his garage...he didn't know the guy. Anyways I got there, he was not back yet but knew she was leaving. We took a few baby things and she didn't know what to believe from him. She spent the night, and at least got to relax a little. He has no idea where we live, and he wanted to come pick her up. I said no, we don't want him to know our address incase this happens again. While she was here we had a long talk about our home is always open to her and the baby. We have concerns about his temper, and do not want him around here. He cannot know our address and phone #. And if she ends up leaving him and making it permanent...we will help her out by getting the paperwork filed, and finding an apt. We have assisstance programs, and she will get child support, plus her maternity leave will buy her some time to find a new job and apt. I will be the babysitter while she gets it together. But we did make it clear we cannot make this permanent. I didn't feel good about a timeline, but I'd like to see her at peace with the decision and focused before throwing her out there. It all comes down to his willingness to grow up, face the fact he is married and has a baby. That his single days are over and he has to move on. She wanted to go back and talk to him on Sunday, so we'll see. But if he does it again, she is done giving him chances...she can't trust anything he says. |
| He sounds like a real creep and she'd be better off without him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
Jason & I got married and had babies pretty young too. I couldn't imagine him treating me or the kids that way.  I hope he straightens up his act and she finds happiness (either with or without him). |
| I just recently finished up with a similar experience. My sister that had been married for 30 years was kicked out of their home by her husband, I rented a truck and packed up her things, rented her a storage room - and she moved in. After 3 months of listening to her crying and begging him to go get counseling - the husband says I will never do it again - picks up her and her things and moves her back with him. 3 weeks later he has kicked her out again - this time I don't have the extra $ to pay for the moving van and storage room - so her son pays for it - but she moves back in.
Over a period of 3 years she went back and forth until I finally had to sit her down and tell her that I couldn't do it anymore. It was stressing out me and my husband, putting a strain on my marriage, and I didn't want to hear how he may change and go to counseling, and the moon may be made of white chocolate etc... Told her enough was enough. She realized that she was out of options and took a hard look at herself and him. Feb 06 she finally got her a small rental house and moved out of my home and is in the process of getting divorced. I said all that to say this, it is great that you support her and are willing to help, but just be careful that it does not become major stress or a strain on you, your children and your husband. My prayers, thoughts and support are with you!!!!! Been there, done that, and paid the bills for it all as well.  |
I asked her how it went and she said he didn't want to talk about it when she got home. 
I found the website for the gov't programs she can check into. I advised her to get her ducks in a row, and be prepared to leave permanently. I don't want to be the one to support her financially...we can't do that. But I can support her emotionally, or with the baby. Her mom has soooo much going on with the crap her sister gives her, and the brother too... Her dad is a drug addict...and we have no grandparents. Her dad's parents live in Ontario and sent her a baby gift. I feel responsible to help her and make sure she is okay and that baby deserves better. She is an innocent victim in all this, and just cute as a button. Thanks for the tips, and I sure hope this doesn't affect my family, my husband and kids don't deserve that. I will help as long as I can, but I have my limits too. Currently she is trying to get to the bottom of what happened, and is sure he cheated again...but he won't talk about it. She feels there is more to tell. |
| Yeah, LOTS MORE TO TELL, unfortunately it won't be the truth that gets told I have a word for men like that: scumsuckingslimbuckets!! |
Daisie wrote: On Friday night he went out with his friends, and some guys from work...to party during and after the hockey game. It all comes down to his willingness to grow up, face the fact he is married and has a baby. That his single days are over and he has to move on. She wanted to go back and talk to him on Sunday, so we'll see. But if he does it again, she is done giving him chances...she can't trust anything he says. Sad to say but it sounds like he's decided he wants to be single, all his actions should tell her that. If she trusts him again she shouldn't be suprised when the cycle starts over, the difference will be he'll hide it better. Sounds as if he has more problems then just being a loser.... |
| That is it exactly he doesn't want to give that life up. I think he wants the best of both worlds. To be single, party etc...but to come home to someone and have his food and laundry done....and have his parents ooo and awww of the baby. |
| Maybe I overlooked it somewhere, but how old is this guy, and has he been in the military serving active duty in a war zone at any time?
If so, just thoughts to ponder. Sometimes it takes awhile to bring them back, even "after" they get home. |
| I think he is 20-22 yrs, I am not sure.
No he's never done anything military, he has a job with a warehouse driving a fork lift. |
| Daisie,
He cheated, I don't care what anyone says, if a man does not come home at night after being out with his buddies, he's cheating. You know as well as I do how crazy this city has been with playoff hockey right now. He sounds like a real winner, she needs to file for divorce (I can give her a few names of attorneys here in the city), He wants his cake and eat it too. So Buddy life doesn't work that way. She is far better off without him. Take her in, help her get on her feet but do not let her take advangtage of you and your hubby's generousity. She can and will be able to find a great paying job here (they can't find enough people right now). But stand your ground. If he starts to stalk her, 1st go to the police and file a report, then to the courthouse and file for peace bond (it's better than a restraining order, I've had one on an ex). If you need more info on help here in the city, please contact me. |
| Thanks Chelsea,
I'll keep you mind, I know crazy huh these playoffs. Makes people act like their on spring break, or mardigra...but he hasn't admitted anything, and she has no proof. I think she wants to trust him, and wants the "family" thing. So when she does finally come to her senses she can call me. Don't worry their will be no taking of advantage anything from us. She knows we can't afford to support her, so if she stays with us she will have to work, or something to help pay her way. |
| Daisie,
I don't have any advice to give you on your particular situation, none of my family or friends are in that particular kind of dyfunctional relationship(Thank heavens!!!). but I DID want to share my experiences and stories of having family members living with you... 1st one- My sister. My sister has been living with us pretty much since we moved into the house. Currently she has her bachelors degree, but is studying to get into med school and works full time. I'm pleased as punch to have her living with us! It's a great arrangement- she pays us a small rent, gets her own room, buys her own food, helps out with household chores, teases my husband  We don't have a written agreement, and while I certainly don't expect her to live with us forever, she's a great help around the house. In fact I'm encouraging her to stay for another year or 2, as I'm SURE I could use the help when we have a baby (hopefully early next year).
So living with a family member can be really wonderful! 2nd one- My sister in law. she moved back in with her parents at 31, after having her son. She's been living with them for the last 2 years. (Before that she had moved back in with them 3 different times before after moving out and breaking leases when it got too expensive for her to pay rent) My mother and father in law pretty much raise the baby themselves- and while she has a full time job, and does pay for day care occasionally, she pretty much just mooches off her folks all the time. It drives me absolutely CRAZY... she has no plans to get her life back on track, she just lives in the basement. I'm not sure what she thinks shes gonna do when they retire and sell the house...
When I was a child, my aunt lived with us for a while as she was getting a divorce. The sitaution was sort of similar to what you're going through- while her ex wasn't abusive or nasty at all, she was having an affair with a creep (What WAS she thinking???) and he would call and generally be a jerk. My mom did put her foot down and after staying with us a few months, the yucky boyfriend went bye-bye and she got her own place and was back on her feet again. Happy ending- she is now happily married to possibly the NICEST guy on earth and they have 3 gorgeous children  so there are rainbows after the rainstorms, there really are!
So there are 3 sides of the coin (or maybe dice would be better). just something to think about... it can be really great, and it can be big time trouble, a never ending saga of moochiness... |
| Daisie,
You know you can call me whenever if you want to talk. We still need to get the girls together. |
| We should, I just get so busy, poor Remy hasn't been to the off leash park in quite awhile.
Thanks for the sharing of what has happened to you, I wouldn;t mind at all if we were like you and your sister. I would expect her to pay, help out and all of that...No mooching allowed. But I will not be the person to go pick her up, and have her return over and over...if she actually was to move in, I'd expect it to be permanent. She e-mailed me today, saying they not doing anything, not talking about it (the weekend in question), she just doesn;t have the energy to argue or fight with him about it. I suppose this will also backfire...anyways she is hoping her mom will come babysit so they can go out together as a couple and have alone romantic time...I think since the baby their time has been next to nothing. I just pray they use condoms..incase of pregnancy, and STD if he's cheated. Shaking my head...I keep expecting her to call and say this is it. Like watching a kettle waiting to boil over. |
| Ok... just to play devil's advocate here a bit... why assume he is cheating? Is it just that one night?
I'm telling you right now, if it had been the Leafs instead I might party for a week and not find my way home! LOL It wouldn't mean I was cheating though. If any of you are sports fans, or even NOT sports fans, and have been living in a city that has experienced a major win, it is insane! It gets to be a euphoric feeling, the excitement is contagious. We are a small town, but close enough to Toronto that when the Jays win the world series whooping and hollering, people screaming, horns blaring, etc can be heard EVERYWHERE... all night. LOL Not to get too off topic, the guy doesn't sound like a real winner... however, some things are magnified because of other problems in the relationship. |
| Totally true, except he's done it before...she just "feels" his story isn't true, and his avoidance to the subject fishy.
I can't fault her for wanting to try, they have worked through that cheating thing before, were separated and now the stakes are higher with the baby. I think if they really want to make it work they could. Maybe she should go out and party with him. I think what happens to alot of people they feel compelled to live and breathe that baby and forget about the marriage of husband and wife. Some of the problem might be he feels neglected, and new to the city a little alone. I've offered to babysit but we live on opposite sides...not very convienent. I remember what it was like when we first had the kids, I would never leave them, but hubby was a home body so we didn;t mind being at home. Plus we were 27 and 29 yrs when they were born. Oilers are playing tonight...GO OILERS GO    |
| Good luck, I hope it all works out for all of you.
Family is great, but so many times we can be taken advantage of, and you do have to protect your own family too. If I ever allowed family to move in, I would have some very clear "terms"... one family breaking up does not constitute another one--- I have seen that happen before. Set some guidelines that you are comfortable with and make sure you stick to them. Again, I hope it all works out well for everyone involved, especailly the "little ones".... |
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