Bridal Venting!
I just have to complain about one of my bridesmaids to an impartial audience (y'all). 
I have 4 bridesmaids in my wedding for next month. My fiance wanted us to have even numbers of groomsmen and bridesmaids and he only wanted his brother, my 2 brothers and one friend to be in the wedding. I have known 3 of my BMs since 7th grade and one for about 4 years. I recently moved across the country and very coincidentally one of my bridesmaids lives in the same city (I knew this, of course, I just never thought that me, a girl from Southern California would end up in the South, and have a friend from high school here with me). So, this girl, we'll call her A (not like she'd read the forum, but still...) lives in the same relatively small town as me. We run in different circles out here so we don't see each other all that often but have been good friends for so long, and I am one of maybe 3 people she still keeps in contact from high school with. I knew that if I didn't invite her to be a bridesmaid she'd be really upset. You know how there are certain people who understand if they aren't invited and get over it, well, she would be the type to never get over it. So, this was one reason I invited her. We weren't as close as we used to be, but I figured oh well. The thing is, she has been a pain this entire time that I've been engaged. I've been in several weddings as a bridesmaid so I know how expensive and stressful they can be for the 'maids, so I tried to be good about choosing decent gowns, nice prices, etc. I definitely was very thoughtful throughout this process. Well, when it came time to get the dress I told her where to get it (she was back in CA at the time because her mom was sick with cancer, but she has since moved back to VA) and she was very difficult with that, saying she wanted to try it on and not just give measurements to the store because stores just rip people off and they always make the dresses big so you have to get them altered. (I think it is because it is easier to take them in than take them out, but...) So she complained about all this. I mentioned a store that carries the dress here in town, and she says, very rudely, I would NEVER shop there...And she also didn't want to order the dress back in CA because they charge to ship it (also a ripoff, according to A) So this went on for a little while, and then I asked her if she even wanted to be in the wedding, that I understood that her mom was sick and that she didn't have a lot of money right now, etc. and that I would totally understand if she wasn't able to do it. And she said, NO, she would love to, I want to...(this was in March). So A has since moved back out to VA and her mom is doing very well (no sign of cancer). So we got a call that the bridesmaid dresses were ready a few weeks ago. Since the store they were ordered at is about an hour north of where all the rest of the girls live, and since A lives out here and couldn't pick it up, my mom offered to pick up all the dresses, mostly as a favor to A. So I told all the girls this and told them to have them all paid in full so my mom could pick them up over the weekend. They all said they had paid in full. So, my mom's friend ended up coming to visit her that weekend and offered to pick them up since it was on her way. Well, she got there and ended up having to pay for A's dress (she had told me she paid and she hadn't). I was mortified. Not only hadn't she paid, but it wasn't even my mom who had to shell out the money for it. I emailed my friend at work when I heard this and she didn't even respond, just said, Are the dresses pretty? So I asked her for the remaining $ (in a very polite way, not wanting to be pushy) and she said she would drop it off that night. Night comes and goes, never hear from her. Get an email at work the next day, saying, oops, she'll come by tonight. Night goes by, nothing. So, I don't hear from her for about a week so I call her, not mentioning $, just seeing what she's doing, etc. So, now it has been about 3 weeks since this has been going on and so today I finally decided to ask her again about the money. She said she wasn't going to be in my part of town for a while. I said, that's okay, I'll come and get it. She said, wait, is this to pay your mom's friend back, or do you get to keep the money (I'm keeping it, but just because my mom owes me for something else, etc). Does that matter? So, then she says she won't be home but she'll tape the check to her door, but that she needs me to cash it soon because she hates when people don't cash checks quickly and that she just had to pay $500 for her plane ticket out to my wedding. Am I wrong to think that you aren't supposed to complain about the wedding to the bride? I think that I've been very gracious and accomodating and now I really don't even want her in my wedding, but I don't know how to go about this. She's always saying snide comments about the other BMs (her hair is ugly, she only shops at X store...) I just don't know what to do. She is the only thing stressful about the wedding right now. I don't want to hurt her feelings or necessarily lose her as a friend but if I un-invite her, I know she'll never talk to me again... |
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| Tricky situation,
So sorry you are going through all of this esp since wedding day is a month away...do you have a back-up person...approx her size otherwise the dress goes to waste and you have a guy standing alone. She is being very rude, and doesn't sound like she wants to be apart of this, she may feel out of place with the others girls (assuming the others are already friends). I would talk to her, over a coffee, and just be honest about your feelings with her behaviour. Have a back-up plan, let her know the dress is taken care of, and she is off the "hook". If you don't care about seeing her or talking to her again, just tell her thanks but no thanks, we are replacing you. If she gives you the money, and all is well, look ahead to a beautiful day and hope she doesn't throw any future wrenches into the wedding. Keep in mind this is YOUR day and hubby's day too...you will have pictures and a video of the day (DO YOU WANT HER IN IT)...will this ruin the most special day of your life? I mentioned that I had hubby's only sister in the wedding, not my friend, and I have always regretted it. She was zero help, no fun, big stick in the mud, frowning in some pictures and she was in her 20's....acted like a child. We have only started to improve on our friendship, and it's been 7 yrs. I thought it would have be inconvientent for my best friends to be in our wedding since they just had theirs. I was too worried about their husbands, and dress expense...we picked single people...it turned out okay, I loved my wedding but that decision was a mistake. Good luck, let us know what happens. Sending hugs  |
| Such a shame that you have to have this stress! This woman's actions clearly state that she does NOT want to be in your wedding, yet she insists that she does.
barney1 wrote: She said, wait, is this to pay your mom's friend back, or do you get to keep the money (I'm keeping it, but just because my mom owes me for something else, etc). Does that matter? What an odd question! Does she think that your mom's friend has a habit of buying dresses for total strangers? She should be embarrased that she has let this financial obligation go for this long. barney1 wrote: Am I wrong to think that you aren't supposed to complain about the wedding to the bride?
You're not wrong, you would hope that anyone who has been your friend for this long would want to enjoy this special time with you. She's obviously in a very selfish place right now. I think Daisie gave you some good advice, have a heart to heart talk with her if she'll spare the time for a coffee. Just keep in mind that it's your special day. Focus on the people who love you and want to celebrate your new marriage with you. If you feel that you must have this woman in your wedding, get mentally prepared to ignore her shenanigans because I can see her being late for pictures... |
| Wow. You've handled this very nicely. Sorry you've had to deal with all that.
I had a very similar situation the MONTH before my wedding. My MOH backed out on me with good reasons (i suppose...still not sure). But she made me believe the entire time that she WAS coming, knowing her name was already engraved in everything including her present. Things just happen and hopefully this is the worst thing. Personally, I would tell her that her snide comments hurt you because they're your family/friends. That a BM's job is to support the bride... and you're not sure you can handle all the extra weight. AFTER I got the money back, I'd "debate" about uninviting her IF the talk I had with her didn't go well (again, after I got my money for the dress). To me, it could be a big misunderstanding where she doesn't realize she's griping EVERY TIME she talks to you. Some people are just like that. If she gets catty with you, I'd NOT STRESS and just uninvite her. At that point... so what she's not your friend anymore. She'll come around on her own time if the friendship was strong to begin with. Don't stress. Just let the slips and turns happen ....and just worry about you looking beautiful and marrying the man of your dreams. |
| She sounds Horrible. I'd boot her. She does not sound like she's making a positive contribution to your wedding or your life. She shouldn't be asking whether you need to reimburse your mom. She owes for the dress she ordered. How you work out payments between you and your mom is none of her business. She's not entitled to a free dress. What a drag.
So, if she's already paid for the dress, I would give it to her but tell her you don't want her in the wedding. If she hasn't paid for it, if you can manage it, I would just keep the dress and let her keep her money and just walk away from her altogether. You might be able to find someone else who fits it or sell it on consignment so it won't be a total loss. As for the single groomsman, I think it is lovely for a single bridesmaid to be escorted by two men. . .. |
| I know we all have had a friend or two like that, however.... I have
learned many things over the years. One is - life is too short to let these things bother you. Do you seriously want this person in your life in say 5 years? 15 years? and if so why? I have had friends that I have had to treat with kid gloves for fear of 'losing the friendship', but guess what! It wasn't really a friendship in the first place. She is treating you and your family and your other bridesmaids like crap. Friends don't do that! I say find another friend to use the dress, since ultimately you paid for it anyway, choose someone else. She is going to make you regret it if you keep her. Imagine what she might be saying behind your back already! If she is talking about the other bridesmaids behind their backs - you KNOW she is talking about you. I say let her wallow in her own muddy waters and cut her out of your wedding. Do it nicely, and explain why. If she can't get past it, its her problem. Life really is too short to get worked up on your wedding over small things! This bridesmaid is not working for you.My theory is, fix or cut out all the stuff in your life that isn't working for you, and don't look back. It makes life much simpler and cuts the stress level. Shellie |
| Hey~ I'm with Valerie, two men for the one bridesmaid! A girl can
dream! Shellie |
| I say drop back and punt; her! Think about it this way, all the headaches she is causing you now is going to multiply on your wedding day. If she's already complaining about the dress and the other girls, wait until you try to address shoes and jewelry and the always touchy subject of hair! She's probably the person who will give you all sorts of grief up until the big day and then show up for the ceremony with a bouffant when you requested a chignon or conveniently having forgotten the dyed to match shoes in favor of an attention grabbing gold lame pair.
Also, after everything is said and done, are you going to look at your wedding pictures and regret having her there? Everytime you get the album out to show people, will this drama be the prevailing story you tell? The focus should really be about you and your groom not some Jerry Springer guest that was your bridesmaid. Hope your big day is wonderful no matter what! Congratulations on your wedding!! |
| You mentioned you two are now in two different circles.....it's time to separate those circles. She is no friend, she's just an acquaintance from your past. You've grown apart (and frankly I'd add fertilizer to accelerate the separation growth). This is not someone who you need in your life.
Don't believe anything this "friend" tells you, i.e. air fare, etc. She has proven herself unworthy of your attention. She has lied to you on at least one occasion. Pay your mother's friend for the dress. If you can't find someone else to wear it, donate it to a shop that provides prom dresses, etc for rent for for the needy. As for the single groomsman......isn't there some unattached woman in your wedding party......an aunt, grandmother, etc who would appreciate being honored with her own attendant? And the pictures with an uneven number of groomsmen and bridesmaids, who cares?? Don't get caught up on these small things (I know they seem like boulders now). Don't obsess with these problems in front of your husband to be. Deal with them privately. No man wants a whiney wife. Be strong and decissive. With that..........(HUGS!).......have a wonderful wedding. |
| Thanks everybody!
It's so funny--I told my mom this story and she is 'thinking' about what she thinks I should do about it, but she agrees that the girl is way out of line. I told my fiance last night and he thinks I am overreacting about the whole thing. He thinks that I am being too sensitive and taking her comments in the wrong way. Now, I can see his point of view and could understand that some of this could be misunderstanding, but really, nearly every single time we talk about anything wedding related it comes off 'the wrong way'. In general, I think she's a pretty articulate woman, so I don't think she's messing up this whole time on accident. When I left work yesterday I was so steamed and was ready to just drop her from the whole event. She is leaving the money for me to pick up at her house today, so at least that will be taken care of. I do have other people who I would have loved to have asked to be BMs, but I feel with it being so close to the day, I don't know how I would feel if I were the one being asked to be the 'backup' bridesmaid. At this point it is either this girl, or no one (additional). And I know that all of this is ultimately inconsequential but it still hurts that someone I have known for so long is treating me this way (whether or not she is conscious of it). The weird thing is, she and 2 of the other bridesmaids, we all went to school together and hung out on the same group, so you would think she would be nicer to them. But, last summer I had everyone over to my house in CA for dinner and I asked if she had a good time and all she had to say was, X hasn't changed a bit...she's still an airhead. But I am going to ask her if she really wants to do this (again!)... |
| Ok, here is a bit "older" perspective.......... (I'm going to be "mother of the froom" in 32 days )
Time for a "heart to heart" (or what I call the "come to Jesus talk") or "shape up or ship out". You need to explain to her that she is creating a great deal of stress for you and that is not the job of a bridgesmaid. This should be the most wonderful time in your life and it sounds like she may be intentionally or unintentionally undermining it. She sounds like a very unhappy person with an agenda of her own. Your first mistake was in simply not just telling her which gown and where to buy it. If she chose to look elsewhere that should be up to her, not you to worry about. Your mother's friend should have picked up the gowns that were paid for and left the one that wasn't leaving it to the bridesmaid to pick up. But hind sight id 20/20. I was told by a bridal shop when ordering my own gown as well as my daughter's (who is a bridesmaid) that 90% of ALL formal wear needs to be altered to ensure that the person looks their best. It's far better to worry about taking a gown in than letting it out. My own gown for my son's wedding is the most expensive article of clothing I have EVER owned and it will need to be taken in. Alterations are simply a given. If you wind up short a bridesmaid, have two groomsmen walk the MOH down the aisle, I have personally seen that done several times and it looks fine. You deserve to have the best wedding day possible and if this girl wants to take away from that day and make it more stressful and difficult for you, NOW is the time to give her the boot. Good Luck!!! |
| Here's a guess:
I think she asked what the destination of the money was because she is short of money and can't come right out and say it. In her mind, if it wasn't needed to pay X back, it would be easier to ask if she could pay you back later, or put you off forever. But then, I'm not much good at this sort of thing. |
| "over reacting"?? Typical male reaction.
Perhaps it is time to kick back and say, "If she comes, she comes. If not, I have contingency plans." When you pick up the money (assuming it really happens) ......don't make a comment about her embarassing you with your mother's friend. Personally I'd be so embarassed I'd be kissing your feet for forgiveness. If she says nothing, let it go, but seriously reconsider your relationship with her. To blow off paying for the dress several times is an indication of the way she holds to her committments, values your friendship, etc. |
I completely forgot.........I was walked down the aisle by my two older brothers since my father had passed away a few year's before. (it was so long ago I forgot  ) So to heck with convention! Remember, this is only one day in your whole married life, don't let this day ruin what's to come.  |
| With ordering the BM dresses, they recommend the dresses be ordered all at the same store, just easier to track them that way, so that is what I was pushing for with her, but since she was in transition, I was trying to make it easier on her as to where to purchase the dress.
And Ron, I asked her initially (when this whole thing started 3 weeks ago!) about if she had the money and that it was fine if she needed to wait until the next paycheck, etc, and she flat out said, no, she has the money and that she would drop it by that night (3 weeks go by...). I live mostly paycheck to paycheck these days so I understand what a relatively unexpected expense can do, so that's why I was trying to be thoughtful... I know, when my mom told me that her friend had paid for the remainder of the dress cost (the girls had to pay about half in the beginning, and then the other half to pick up the dress) I was mad and said she should have left it--that we were doing her a favor, but she said that her friend didn't want to just leave it there... I agree with alterations...Of course you need them, and it is much easier to take it in than out... Oh, and SheepieBoss, she is taping the money to her door tonight, so I won't be able to talk to her--she won't even be there... And I am not worried about being short a bridesmaid--the even/odd thing doesn't matter to me. I am just sad that I couldn't include some of my closer friends from college because of this one girl... Tasker's Mom--what does your dress look like? |
| WELLLLLLLL, I'm GLAD YOU ASKED!!!!!!!!!! I just made a new topic (Under General CHit Chat) so we can all post our various and sundry wedding dress and stuff pics..... |
| YIKES!
I just emailed my bridesmaid and told her that I have a feeling she is having some reservations about being in my wedding and that we need to talk... I have serious butterflies in my stomach right now! |
| You have nothing to be nervous about!!!!!! Be kind but firm. Maybe you will discover that there is some problem that can be resolved. Maybe she'll be relieved to get it out in the open.
Good Luck |
| You said you want a girlfriend from college, is she aware of these wedding worries you are having? Could she possibly fit the dress? Is it too late to ask, she may be totally honored to be in the wedding, not as a back-up but as a true friend.
I too would rather dump someone causing me grief then to look at all the pictures and have the memory of her and her issues...overshadowing this special day. Unfortunatey my grief with SIL was on wedding day, so I had no warning. I am worried this is just the begginning, and come wedding day, she may do something to upstage you...if she is a drama queen I suspect she is. It is good you have a plan in place, and let us know how things go. |
| Well, she just wrote me back saying she will drop off the money in my mailbox so I won't have to come all the way to her and sorry about causing any inconvenience.
I don't think she gets it. In the email I said that I felt she was having some reservations about being in my wedding, possibly about the money part of things, and that we should talk about it...and the above was her answer to it...I just don't know. Thanks for all the help and suggestions! |
| Sometimes it's easier to say things in writing than face to face (although you need to be careful that what you write isn't misread) and since she reads her email maybe you could send her an e-mail telling her that you feel that her heart might not be in your wedding and how important it is that your wedding be the best possible day. You could ask her to be honest with you about whether she wants to be in the wedding or not and maybe ask her why everything has been such a struggle. Perhaps she doesn't even realize the difficulty she is causing. |
| Tasker's Mom--you read my mind! I just sent her an email saying that very thing...I added that I really would love for her to be there, if she wants to be there (I don't want her thinking that I am just trying to get rid of her without) but that I understand that life throws out different things to people at different times, and that maybe this wasn't the best time for her and that I wouldn't be hurt if she wasn't there and that it wouldn't be a reflection of our friendship if she decided not to--just a fact that she has other things going on in her life that are more pressing...
So, we'll see what she says to that... I think I am better at email communication sometimes because I can think of what I want to say and re-word it until it sounds just the way I want it to...instead of getting flustered in actual conversation (I don't like confrontation--can you tell!) Daisie--I have 2 friends from college that I would have loved to include, but I think at this point if my friend decides not to be in my wedding, I'm just going to leave it at the other 3 girls all very supportive and good friends!!). I think it just might be too close to the wedding to invite someone new (even though they are good friends too) but since they have known how long the other maids have been chosen and have been to my wedding shower as 'just a guest' I think it would be a little awkward--it might be hard not to feel like a B list... |
| It might be, all depending on the person. You might need to take a hit for the wedding dress cost, and that is a gift to them...being last minute. If my close friend was going through this and they didn't ask me first because I have kids blah blah blah, but then knowing the situation and she came to me and said I am having a problem with X being a bridesmaid, and I wish I would have asked you first. I am sorry I didn't, but would you consider taking her spot, the dress cost is taken care, and I really would love for you join us that day in the wedding party. I wouldn't feel anything but friendship, and I personally would do it as long as I didn't have anything else I couldn't get out of. Good friends won't feel like A list/B-list, they will have fun, and if single could be the best thing ever to meeting someone.
The others are right too, there is nothing wrong with an uneven wedding party, just have the groomsmen paired up with someone close to you for the first few dances etc. I sure hope this all gets resolved, we are all on the edge of seats, and wish you strength and courage to face her today. |
| My "daughter in law to be" is having TEN ATTENDENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you even begin to imagine the stress of that!!!!!!!!!! I've never heard of that many but then I don't "get out much" |
Quote: My "daughter in law to be" is having TEN ATTENDENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you even begin to imagine the stress of that!!!!!!!!!!
It's crazy, but it's the style these days. I have been in 3 weddings and the smallest amount of bridesmaids/groomsmen was 8 each. So, I feel like I am having a TINY group with my measly 4! |
I think it's just crazy!!!! We are going to wind up with over 50 people at the rehersal dinner alone. That's wedding RECEPTION size, not rehersal dinner size (in MY way of thinking  ) |
| This person is not your friend! If she was she wouldn't
be putting so much stress on you and causing all these problems. This is YOUR big day,not hers. She sounds petty, mean and jealous. You have enough to do without worrying about her. The problems with paying for the dress are inexcusable, I've told people that although I was honored to be asked to be in a wedding I couldn't afford it. I went as a guest and had a great time with no hard feelings. |
barney1 wrote: Tasker's Mom--you read my mind! I just sent her an email saying that very thing...I added that I really would love for her to be there, if she wants to be there (I don't want her thinking that I am just trying to get rid of her without) but that I understand that life throws out different things to people at different times, and that maybe this wasn't the best time for her and that I wouldn't be hurt if she wasn't there and that it wouldn't be a reflection of our friendship if she decided not to--just a fact that she has other things going on in her life that are more pressing...
I don't know. To my mind, you are making it her choice when I think you need to think about what is right for you. It is your day. Do you, knowing what you know about how she has been behaving, want her there? You have the right to change your mind and rescind the offer. It would be nice if she would bow out but I would still consider just kicking her out. If she's like this now, it will only get worse. Let us know if she really drops off the check. Sounds like another delay tactic to me. I'd start working on Plan B.  |
bestdogsx4 wrote: This person is not your friend! If she was she wouldn't
be putting so much stress on you and causing all these problems. This is YOUR big day,not hers. She sounds petty, mean and jealous. You have enough to do without worrying about her. The problems with paying for the dress are inexcusable, I've told people that although I was honored to be asked to be in a wedding I couldn't afford it. I went as a guest and had a great time with no hard feelings. I've started replying to this a few times but since I've been sick, I keep getting sidetracked. However, Holly summed it up best. This girl is being a huge jerk and causing you stress that you don't need. It sounds like you're going out of your way to make sure she's ok with everything and it should really be the other way around in this case. She sounds like a friend worth losing. |
| Wow - you were WAY too nice with her. I'm sorry she treated you that way. I can't believe she pretty much blew off the money for her dress when a stranger paid for it. I pretty much agree with bestdogsx4. I can't imagine treating my friends that way. I've been in a few weddings, and even if I hated the dress, I didn't complain about it or mind paying the money. I just felt honored they thought enough of me to bei in it. She's just being selfish and not being a true friend at all. |
| It's just so hard, because we've been friends for almost 15 years (wow--Am I that old!?!) So it's not that easy. They say friends are there through the good times and the bad times, and I think she is having a bad time--she even told me that she is lonely and doesn't like where we live but doesn't know where she wants to live...she doesn't have a boyfriend or significant other, she doesn't have a career or even a job that she likes, and all her friends that she's had have gotten married and many are starting to have babies now too, plus her mom had the stomach cancer. So I think that a lot of the stuff that she has been saying to me has just been because of a lot of the other stuff going on in her life and she might not realize how rude, judgmental, stressful she's been to me
I'm not making excuses for her (or am I?) but I would hate to abandon her at a hard part of her life (even if she is making my life harder) unless I was sure that she was purposely trying to hurt me. Like a few months ago when I was having some doubts about getting married, she was the first person to say, no don't marry him, and maybe she never got over that point of view and was hoping that I would be her 'single friend' again...(I was having doubts because it was my first time living in a different city/part of the country and I wasn't sure I was strong enough to live without my family and friends--but I came to realize that I am strong enough!) And, she came by my house last night with the money, so that part is over, but it was just such a drama to get it. She came by with a friend so we couldn't talk, but she never responded to the emails I sent her regarding the being/not being in my wedding parts. She only responded saying she'll drop off the money. And she was also extra friendly at my house last night, so maybe she took my comments to heart and realized how difficult she was being and hopefully now she'll behave! |
| It is never a mistake to treat someone with kindness and concern. Maybe just knowing that there are issues is all she needs. I say, start fresh today and see what happens!! |
| Well I am happy that she has paid up, that in itself is a relief of stress. I would still be prepared for a catastrophe with her, and it still sounds like she is not being a god friend. She brought a friend to avoid talking to you, and she doesn't respond in the e-mail with an apology or an answer for the way she is acting...she is a rude person.
I think you are making excuses for her, and that is fine if you can trust her not to ruin the day. I don't think it should matter what she doesn't have, or how her petty jealously of not being married comes into play with a long time friendship. It's those friendships that should be the most supportive, and she should be hanging out with you and dicsussing fun things about "boys", this is a time to reflect on childhood dreams, and future scariness...who better to share that with than a friend who has known you for 15 yrs. Good luck with her, I hope she turns the stress around and starts to help you feel good about being married. It shouldn't matter if she doesn't like the guy, you do..right?? So she should support that commitment. |
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