post bachelorette party, need input.
It was a nice idea at first but it's turning into a mess. I am getting extremely irritated about it. My mom has taken over the whole thing and doesn't want me to know about any thing going on. (my best friend and my sister are on my side) My mother in law wanted to help plan because my sister in laws didn't get to come to our wedding because they live across the state. That's out. My mom is inviting her friends that I have never met, have met once and people I don't even like. (she invited people my sister didn't know to her baby shower) When she planned my sister's bachelorette party, she planned things that I would deem inappropriate now that I am married. I know it will be along those same lines. I am about ready to cancel the whole thing. No bride means no bridal shower or post bachelorette party. She is a really hard person to talk to, I don't have the greatest relationship with her either. My mom thinks I shouldn't have any say in this entire thing. I am not sure what to do because I know it's just going to end up in a huge fight. |
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On the plus side, seems to me your mom is venting some of the same control and planning she would have liked to have done for your wedding, but your guerrilla wedding pre-empted that nightmare!  Can your sister be your spy and secret influence? I take it your MIL's planning contribution is vetted, but does that also mean your in-laws will not be invited? That seems wrong. Speaking as a guy, my understanding is that showers, whether bridal or baby, just seem like things which need to be endured (maybe women think differently!  )Um, maybe you should plan a surprise guerrilla bachelorette party too! You have my sympathies. |
| Demand something SOOOOO huge they can't pull it off and it's not gonna happen. Price yourself out of it! Vance |
| Be straight with your Mother and tell her exactly how you feel. I'm assuming this is the very reason you had a surprise wedding. |
Vance's idea is a good one. You are an adult and a married one at that. I would tell her exactly how you feel, you appreciate the gesture but you aren't interested. You ultimately have the final say. Now, on the other hand, if it is suppose to be a 'surprise', you could always not show up!! SURPRISE  Years ago, a suprise party was planned for me. I found out about it (a good friend told me and knew exactly how i felt about surprise parties. she declined to go and instead, we went out and had a blast) SURPRISE!!!!!  |
Quote: Vance's idea is a good one. You are an adult and a married one at that. I would tell her exactly how you feel, you appreciate the gesture but you aren't interested. You ultimately have the final say. Now, on the other hand, if it is suppose to be a 'surprise', you could always not show up!! SURPRISE Years ago, a suprise party was planned for me. I found out about it (a good friend told me and knew exactly how i felt about surprise parties. she declined to go and instead, we went out and had a blast) SURPRISE!!!!! ] ditto! If you wanted all that fuss, you would have had it before. Your mother is just satisfying her own needs...ego trip for her. Funny re: surprise party and not showing up. |
| I agree! Hubby and I eloped because my family was against the marriage, and his parents were in the midst of a divorce. We celebrated our 29th anniversary last Saturday, and I've never regretted not having a shower, bachelorette party, engagement party, whatever. If you can't get your mom to understand how you feel, then I'm all for just not showing up. It sounds like this is mainly an excuse for her to have a party, so let her have it. Go to a club or a restaurant with your best friend during the party, and have fun! And my very best wishes to you and your new hubby for a long and happy life together! |
| Alot of Moms feel that they go to alot of showers for their friends and relatives children and so they feel that when it is their child's turn the favore will be returned. When you had your surprise wedding, it left your mom with nothing, so to speak, so she now wants to make up for what she feels she's lost out on and throw a big party for you. Now is the time to be honest with your Mom and just tell her you really don't want her to go through all the work and expense of a party because you and your husband had the wedding that you both wanted. Some Mom forget that the wedding is for the bride, that they already had their wedding when they married so many years ago. I know from experience because I've been involved with 3 of my children getting married and each in-law had their own agenda, and each wedding was a large wedding, and alot of diplomacy was used. For my first marriage I had a big wedding and did it all myself. When I married Chuck, I knew my parents wouldn't attend the wedding because they were very Catholic and I didn't have my marriage annuled in the church, so I knew they wouldn't attend. (we've since had the marrage annuled and the church has blessed our marriage) There were no hard feeling because I respect them. They loved Chuck and they looked at him as their son and had a wonderful relationship. so we married in the court with my sister Mary by my side and our children. My parents took our surpise elopement well and were happy for us. His family didn't speak to us for over a year, they wanted a big party. So the rest of our marriage while our parents were alive was we had a great relationship with my side and not such a great one with his side. So if you can handle this one as diplomatically as you can, tread softly, but let her know how you feel. Mothers have alot of dreams for their children and when one does come out as they wish it takes sometime to adjust. I wish the best of luck and many happy years to your and your husband. |
| I laid down the law. Nothing inappropriate, no people I don't know or don't like (the guest list needs to be gone over by me first) and if the date needs to be changed so my in laws can come that will happen too. If these things do not happen I will not go. She sort of took it well. She over stressed herself by setting the date so quickly. So now she is trying to unload the stress on me which isn't fair since it wasn't my idea. |
| good on you for standing your ground |
| here's my thinking: it'll be ONE night. What the hell; go with it. I went to a bachelorette party in Las Vegas last year. All the emails and organization, the entire time I was thinking that bride was going to HATE it. Nothing proposed was fun, cool, or along the lines of what I thought she'd like. But it wasn't my place to mess with the bridesmaids, so I let it be and just decided to try and make it as fun for the bride as possible. Surprisingly enough, it was a blast! Sure some of it was poorly done. But the bride never knew ( I made sure of that) and everyone went home with fun memories. I say ride it out. Smile. If you are a drinker, make sure you have a designated driver and DRINK. And know it's only one night, and that it'll be over before you know it. And MAYBE it'll even be a good time.  |
| I hope so because I set rules for my mom yesterday. She called me to wake me up to say that she invited her friends anyways and I should allow them to come. That argument wasn't what I wanted to wake up to. She tends to make anything and everything about her. I can't cancel it now. My best friend is coming up for across the state. Which I am excited over. She's always up for shenanigans, so if it takes the turn for the worse we will just sneak out. lol |
| Since you feel you can't stop it now (I loved the idea of a guerrilla bachelorette party or requesting things so over the top to cause it to be cancelled--I'd have suggested make it a destination party in Tahiti) the best thing you can do is to endure and try to just roll with it and have fun. Your friends know the deal, so you'll have company. Maybe the bigger problem is that your mother needs the parties and cannot bring herself to give (herself) the party she wants to have for herself. Maybe, maybe you can figure out a way to suggest that you think she deserves her own celebration. Or: you could turn tables and throw your mom a huge out of control, un-tasteful birthday party of her very own. If she hates birthdays, so much the better. And do it guerrilla style. Male strippers not optional. Invite her pastor and his wife. |
| I guess I don't understand it completely; I don't like surprise parties either, but I've been the victim of one or two and you just take a deep breath and go/roll with it. It seems really important to mom. Let her do her thing and make your appearance as guest host.  There lots of important things in the world to be upset about; someone trying to throw a party for you probably isn't at the top of the list. The combativeness between you guys suggest that there is something else going on, some issue of control or resentment. You can just cave in and smile and try to enjoy a nice party. (PS Weddings are all about family, not about the bride and groom. There were lots and lots of people at our wedding that I didn't know or hardly knew. I say let mom have her thing as much as possible, unless it puts a real financial hardship on you.) |
| I'm letting it happen. After my mom didn't listen to me, my sister talked to her and things are now back on the fun track. I feel weddings are about the bride and groom or at least they should be. We tried to get married before. My family and the in laws started taking control. Telling us who to invite, who not to, where it should be, blah, blah, blah and that was after the first 3 days of planning...we both decided that it's not the way we want to do our wedding and postponed it. My husband and I are all about having fun. We wanted it to be as stress free and fun as possible. Our wedding really was perfect. There are so many women that want to steal the surprise wedding idea now. We started a trend! I hope I am invited to one. I would definitely love to be on the other end of that. |
| I'm in the middle of planning my own wedding right now. Thankfully, I'm not getting pushed into anything. I think it's because Jacob's family is too busy with their own stuff to tell me what to do. I get plenty of unsolicited advice and Jacob's sister is the one and only bridesmaid who insisted on picking her own dress, but that's okay. I don't have to take their advice and I approved her dress choice already. I would have liked a bit more help with the planning and such, but I'm doing alright on my own. Now, Jacob's family are heavy drinkers, and they really like getting drunk on wine. So, the wedding and reception are at a county park, where alcohol is prohibited I think that's a smart choice. And I am having NO SILLY PARTIES! Nobody even tried to plan me one, lucky me Now then, I love the sneaking away with your friend idea. That sounds fun! |
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