I need anybody and everybody'd opinion
All of his friends are oversees for the next three yrs in the Air Firce and my bf's are in north and south dakota. We will probably have to fly out my Grandmother. I just don't know what is better, smaller wedding huge reception, or big wedding and smaller reception??? I was always the dreamer about the guy not the wedding, and I am not particularly girlie. My favorite flower is lilcas, fiance's favorite colors are red and black, I just am lost.... My relationship with my mother is not so good so I don't feel comfortable going to her with wedding questionss. Thanks for any and all help! Shannon |
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| Hi Shannon,
It sounds like you are having your dream wedding, with your dream guy!! I say have the small wedding, and celebrate with your family and friends in a big way!! My husband and I had the same small wedding, just our immediate family in very small chapel, it was wonderful. We always thought we would come back a few years later for a bigger wedding, but it really hasn't been something that is important to us. We have been married for over 8 years, and for my 10th wedding anniversary I WAS supposed to get a 3 stone anniversary ring, but I was given a choice between more pets or the ring, and I chose the pets....LOL So, no huge rock will be on my finger, but I will have lots of furbabies surrounding me. Have a wonderful wedding and us let know how it goes!! 
Stormi and co. |
| I like small ceremonies in general. Of course, the reception can be a huge thing, but then again, that's the party part. To me, love and marriage are a very intimate thing, and the ceremony should include all the special people in your lives that you want to witness this event. |
| It's your wedding, it's what you want, not what others want. I do have some mixed feelings though. A cousin always looked forward to walking his daughter down the aisle, but she and her BF flew to Greece and got married there with strangers as witnesses . The father was crushed.
Anyway, with a JP wedding, it's so quick, I see no big deal having it private. How about having a nice small party after the wedding with the invited people........grandparents, JP and any other friend invited......go out to dinner and reserve a private room. Later you can have a big bash reception wherever is convenient. I don't know your situation so please don't be offended, but people who have been living together for years or had multiple marriages....it's tacky to expect wedding gifts. Ask guests to bring canned goods for the local food bank or some thing for charity. Since there's so much military in your life, maybe collect for military families or troops overseas?? If this is your first marriage and you are needing everything........the have a big reception so you can fill you house  |
| I agree with the others when it comes to do what you want to do...have no regrets, and enjoy the marriage. Glad to see you see past a wedding, and look at it as a marriage....you're already making it sucessful.
Now my unsolicited advice...if you are not close to family, mom, dad, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunties and uncles, grandparents....then do it small, elope if you want. IF these people are investing their lives into yours, like looking forward to this day just as much or more...they will want the traditional walk down the aisle type of wedding in a church, or park setting. Friends and extended family can be excluded from this...you can also make this very simple, 30-50 people type of wedding. You will get some nice gifts from your closest family, and everyone is happy. Have a small dinner at a banquet hall. The big reception can be planned anytime, this is the dance and potluck supper, cash bar type of thing...this can get expensive...and may be a little awkward to do 3 years after the wedding day. I'm not overly a girlie girl either, but my wedding was something I wanted to be special. I wanted to make sure I had fond memories, we put extra towrds pictures, flowers, the limo, and making sure we invited who "WE" wanted...we had 400 guests and it's still the best wedding I've ever attended. We also got EVERYTHING to set up our place...we both had handme down stuff. That was really nice. If you don't want to talk to your mom, or his mom...just make sure the two of you are on the same page. Some guys want the typical tradtional marriage...if it isn't, and he wants to keep it small then do it that way. You will need 2 people to sign the marriage certificate for witnesses. Vegas is popular...as well as using a ship captain...I think??? Whatever you do, enjoy the day, and spend the money on a honeymoon. |
SheepieBoss wrote: If this is your first marriage and you are needing everything........the have a big reception so you can fill you house
My thoughts exactly. My sister just got married last year and they spent all this time getting the church and taking classes. Neither are religious and really cared but they thought it's what people would expect. There were maybe 20 people that showed up to the church and over 200 to the reception (though everyone was invited to both). Thye wound up feeling like it was a waste of time My boyfriend and I realized that we've got to stop buying things for our house-- we've been talking about getting married lately and I pointed ut that that's what weddings are for-- people to buy this stuff for us. Oh and something about love too... |
| As a side note people have somewhat selfish tendencies....at least I do. Anyways if my best friend was getting married and I was not invited I'd have hurt feelings...but I'd understand and get her a gift anyways.
If it was a cousin, or not so close friend...I would bring a gift to a reception, but probably not if they eloped. Actually two cousins in my family kinda did that same thing, they were sisters, young, impulsive, had a city hall wedding...no family no nothing...if they make 25 yrs I'll buy them a gift. As it is they are both struggling after a few months, and back living with mommy. Glad I didn't waste money on them. I got married at 25 yrs, and we just celebrated 7 yrs. Still using all our wedding gifts, and still have no regrets about our wedding day. |
| I am going to be a mother in law next July and told the kids to do it their way. I will offer help only when asked. There are some sites about planning weddings I looked up to see what I have to do. They are helpful and give you things to think about. Good Luck and have fun! |
| One small reminder- even if you don't have a best man or maid of honor- most states require two witnesses. so don't forget to have someone "stand up" for you in this way. Basically, they just need to witness the ceremony and sign the marriage certificate!
Also- don't be afraid to "do it your way". This is your wedding, not any one elses! Do make sure to do a few things, to make the day a memorable one (and every wedding no matter how big or small ought to be something you can look back with pleasure on!) #1 Wear something that makes you feel pretty- Every bride is lovely, whether she's wearing a traditional wedding gown, little black dress, or a snazzy pant suit- if you feel beautiful, it's the right outfit! #2 Celebrate after the ceremony- whether it's just you, him and a bottle champagne, or a small group of friends and a little dinner, the joining of two people in love is definitely cause for celebration, don't deny yourself! #3 Spend the wedding night at a hotel/bed and breakfast(if you can afford it)- the wedding night is special, don't spend it at home unless you have to! Plus it gives you a great spot to revisit on your aniversaries! #4 have at least one picture taken- you'll thank yourself (and so will your realtives) later Let us know how it goes, and all the happiness in the world to both of you!!! (PS- It's a blast being a newly-wed, have fun!) Karen  |
| Small Wedding, Big Party!
Make sure you make the rounds at the party so every body feels that they got to talk to you and wish you well on your special day. That is feed back that we got from our frends that they loved that part! Colors, Keep it simple. If you stay with a white dress or egg shell and have your flowers be your beloved lilacs, it would be beautiful. Each ask someone to stand up for you for the witness part. Keep it simple and sweet and you will never regret it. It's not about the day but the life you plan together. I hear too often of people who spend these huge amounts on weddings, all for one day and then they divorce. So very sad. Shannon, best of luck, it sounds like you have your priorities straight and that you both will go far together! |
Brian and I decided on a very small wedding --22 people--we got married on a friends large boat in so. cal. and made reservations at lowes on coranado...they even included the wedding cake!!! the only thing I would change is my wedding dress...I bought the first one that I tried on and it was on sale....it was okay, just kinda bla.....oh and dont pick your minister/preacher out of the phonebook from out of state....interesting holistic/jewish/christian preacher who talks in legnthy vowel sounds may just show up  But I do believe small is the way to go...we had a great time...and have a large party when you return from your honeymoon....true friends will understand!!! |
| Definitely do it your way!!
If you like lilacs, have lilacs. If his favorite colors are red and black, do red and black. The colors for my wedding? Black and burgundy with leopard print accents. It's what I wanted, it's what I got!!!!! (And we did an exceedingly formal wedding! We also did a traditional start to our reception so that the parents and grandparents thought it was, "very nice". After they left the party got so rowdy that the bartender quit! Can you say kegstands?) Just make sure that you are happy, that's the most important thing. I also second the notion of going away for at least a night. Just go wherever you can afford and don't tell anyone where you'll be! |
| Have you considered having the ceremony at the same place you have the reception? You have to have the same size room for the guests with or without the ceremony. The only thing extra to set up is an area in the room for the ceremony. This keeps the cost down and allows all the guests to attend, if you choose to do so. If not, you're already at the reception site to greet the guests as they arrive, thank them for coming, and with all of that out of the way, you can begin your celebration.
Weddings are a joyous occassion. Yes, it's your day and you should have the wedding of your choice (as long as dad can afford it or you're willing to pay for it). It should be the way we want it, but is it really going to hurt us to wear the necklace that granny gave to mom on her big day? The one she's had tucked away all these years to pass on to her daughter? Little changes can be made to please both, such as making the necklace a bracelet, etc...... Dad, he's watched his baby girl grow into a beautiful young woman and wants to proudly give her away. Whether it be walking down the aisle in front of hundreds of people, or just standing next to her until its time to kiss her cheek and place her hand, into the hand of her soon to be husband for safekeeping. I don't know the problems you have with your mother and am sorry you feel you can't go to her. Please reconsider that statement. Perhaps you can use this joyful occassion to make amends and not only start a wonderful new marriage, but a new beginning with her as well. (Of course you'll have to be open to a few suggestions about the wedding)
She's your mother, good or bad. Just as in your marriage, you should have unconditional love. Once she's gone you'll never have this chance again. Salvage and cherish whatever moments you can. Colors, put your groom in a black suit with a red tie. Wear the gown of your choice and carry a bouquet of lilacs, babys breath, and mini red rose buds. If you can't squeeze all the colors you want onto you and the groom, put whats left on your mother's, grandmothers, or even the walls. It doesn't matter, as long as you love one another and are going into this marriage with the attitude of "til death do us part". Good luck, congratulations and God bless. |
| DON'T ELOPE!!!!! My daughter eloped a couple weeks ago and it broke my heart!!!! Give your family the opportunity to be at your wedding (even your Mother). My daughter and I have a great relationship, it was just an "impulsvive thing".
On the other hand, don't make it too big. My son is getting married this summer. They are having 300 guests, 9 bridesmaids and a reception that cost enought to buy a house. Your wedding should be special for you, have the things and people around that are important to you. Sorry to hear about your relationship with your Mother. I think the Mother-Daughter bond is the most difficult and complicated relationship there is. I'm sure it's painful for both of you. Maybe this will be an opportunity to start a little healing. What ever you decide, best wishes for a long and happy marriage. My advice (for what it's worth); never go to bed mad and appreciate the little things!!
HEHEHEHE, didn't know this was an OES, wedding planning, marriage advice colum did we!!!!! |
| Wow! Great stories! Shannon, I would definitely agree with all the people who say to go with what you and your fiance really want to do. Have your dream wedding. A few years from now no one else will remember the particulars, but the two of you will cherish every moment.
Also - don't let the whole thing become too stressful! Big weddings and/or receptions can develop a life of their own. Don't let all of the details distract you from the important thing. You're starting your lives together as husband and wife! Remember that the vows are the meaningful part and all the rest is just icing on the cake. Here's a true story - Tim and I went to the wedding of a friend's son last summer. Beautiful venue, outdoor wedding, great weather. Everyone is having a wonderful time. 100 guests were sitting in front of a gazebo as the beautiful bride made her entrance. A few minutes into the ceremony, the bride starts looking around behind her, checking out the crowd, noting who was there, where everyone was sitting. She notices something she's not happy with. She starts mouthing words to her new mother in law. Her mother in law gestures along the lines of "not now, turn around". No - whatever she's noticed is more important than the ceremony. She starts mouthing more insistently to her mother in law. Finally the mother in law sighs, gets up, recruits two nephews, and has them start passing out the programs that had been forgotten in all the excitement. That girl missed a good fifteen minutes of her own wedding ceremony because she was more worried about the guests having the programs that she'd had made up! I wish I could tell you that she got better after that, but all of her focus remained on the scheduled events (soloists, a video presentation, games for the children attending...) |
Congratulations Shannon! 
I'm getting married next month in my hometown in California with (estimated) 200 guests, so I know all about wedding planning and stress! I'll have to go with everyone who said do whatever you want to do and whatever makes you feel most comfortable and that it is 'your' wedding, but definitely make sure that you make it special--because getting married is something special and should (hopefully!) only happen once in your life, so you shouldn't just breeze through it like it is just another day. And that doesn't mean big fancy dress, or crazy amounts of flowers... Also, about wondering whether or not to have a large/small wedding/reception, I know that a lot of people who are invited to both events only attend the reception, but I know most people like to be invited to the wedding too. There have been a couple of instances where we have been invited to receptions (or even day-after brunches) and not the wedding, and we all felt a little jilted that we weren't 'good enough' to make the main event. Even after we found out that only 'family' was invited to the actual ceremonies, I still felt it would have been nice to have been invited to the wedding. As for your bf's, I know I would be upset if I wasn't invited to my girlfriends' weddings, even if I knew it was small, and even if there was no way I could possibly make it down there for money reasons or whatever. I know this is 'your' day, but a lot of people tend to make it their own too and have a lot of feelings and emotions involved and I would hate for someone like your best friend or mother (even if you don't talk) to not be invited and resent the situation. GOOD LUCK and keep us posted!! |
| My husband and I met in the 5th grade and have been together since.
I had always wanted the fancy wedding as a young girl. Nothing expensive, just the church, the walk with dad, nice reception, etc....... Instead, the groom comes home on leave, we get the license, blood tests, preacher, call family, he goes to IGA, buys a cake and cake top, gets his grey suit and I put on my best dress. We gather in mom's living room, and at 9:13 p.m. we're pronounced husband and wife. Only regrets, dad was dead, grandparents couldn't be there, I was on crutches (stepped on glass and had foot surgery), his leave was over in a week, in the Army so no car, so my mom dropped us off at the motel, where we'd planned on staying a few days, but had to cut the stay short when we found out the next morning they only served dinner at 6p.m. Hey, you still gotta eat. 
On our 25th anniversary, my hubby told me we were going to a fancy restaraunt for dinner. He sent my sister with me to find the "perfect" outfit. I got sick of trying on clothes! I'd like it and she'd say it wasn't fancy enough. I told her, "One more store and I quit. If I don't find something I like, we're going somewhere else for dinner!!!" Well, I found it, an egg shell 2 pc. suit. To my surprise, even she was finally pleased! Of course, she would be at the tune of $200! It's hard to even "think" fancy when you've got 6 OES at home! The day arrives, we go to pick up his sister and her husband. He informs us he needs to make a stop on the way. I'm getting disgusted, figuring we're going to lose the reservations. He needed to drop some parts off at a church for their printing equipment. We get to the church and he invites us to go in and meet the pastor. I'm very disgusted now, but go with them, with a smile on my face. When the door opened, the congregation staring at us was our family and friends! I didn't recognize the cars in the darkness. I'd known the preacher for years, just didn't know he switched churches. My wonderful husband, behind my back, with the help of our sisters, had planned a wedding service for us to "renew" our vows!!! Everyone knew about it except ME!!! And, it was wonderful!  He did a great job!
He'd bought us a new set of matching wedding bands, had a veil and flowers, which were handmade by my sisters, and the same minister that married us. The reception was held at his sister's. They had taken our cake top from the shelf it sat on, and placed it aside the cake. My only regret, my mom had died, and wasn't there, but my grandma was able to be there. That was the PERFECT wedding!!! No decision on colors, invitations, hurting feelings, nothing.........I just showed up at the church, said yes when he asked me to remarry him, and the ceremony started! I had my church wedding, was walked down the aisle, we renewed our vows, witnessed by our son, family and friends. It was followed by a nice reception, and when given the choice of where to spend the night, I chose our home.
He put a glowing smile on my face that lasted for weeks, and put a memory in my heart that I will cherish forever. Come Oct. we will be celebrating 35 years of marriage. I thought marrying him the first time was my dream, but the "renewing" of our vows, after sharing our lives together, gave the vows so much more meaning and understanding. It's not the colors, etc......it's the love you have for one another and the friends and family that will be there for you when you need them. That's what makes a wedding a family affair. When you join as one, you bring two families together. You start a new branch of their family tree. It's a family affair centered around the two of you, you make the final decisions, but hopefully, ones you'll never regret. |
| That's a wonderful story, pf. Brought a tear (or two) to the eye. |
| Mouthypf, that was the most beatiful story!!! Rons right, it brought a tear to my eye also!!! What an amazing husband and family you have...You are right when it comes down to it....all the fluff doesnt mean too much, just remember the reason why youre there....to marry the man of your dreams...sigh...Aint love grand??!! |
| Thank you everybody who wrote to me I was so happy, relieved, and i just can't find the right word right now but i appreciate everybody's advise and personal story's. We havn't made any dicsions (sp?) but we have talked about it a loot more with family, including my mother. It was tense but i think it is getting across to her that she is not in control of my life, that im not her "yes ma'am" person anymore. My Finace mother is thrilled and gave me so much support, i am blessed beyond belief. I wish i had more to tell you but we don;t even know a date, b/c we need to get set up fro a house loan , then house but have about 10 grand for down payment blah blah blah. I will admit though Chris's is working on his high expectations for our first home. Even though he won't admit it, i think somehow he thnks that we will move into a 200,000 home just decked out to the nines!! Such is Life I guess
Thanks again Shannon sometime in the future Mrs. Milliorn (Pronounced:Mill-iron; what can i say we're texans ) |
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