Funnies, funnies and more funnies
The following ad is reported to have gotten numerous calls: "SINGLE BLACK FEMALE...Seeks male companionship, ethnticity unimportant. I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, rifing in your pickup, hunting, camping, fishing, cozy winters nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way, and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy." Callers found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an 8 week old black Lab! ************************************************************ Do people who spend $2.00 on a bottle of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is NAIVE? If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean the 5th one enjoys it? ************************************************************ EVER WONDER.... Why women can't put mascara on with their mouths closed? Why doctors call what they do "practice"? Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Why sheep don't shrink when it rains? ************************************************************ Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom: To understand my man Love: To forgive him Patience: For his moods Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll just beat him to death. ************************************************************ How To Know Whether Or Not You Are Ready To Have Kids MESS TEST - Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. TOY TEST - Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night. GROCERY STORE TEST - Borrow one or two small animals goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. DRESSING TEST - Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside. FEEDING TEST - Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. NIGHT TEST - Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. INGENUITY TEST - Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. AUTOMOBILE TEST - Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect. PHYSICAL TEST (Women) - Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. PHYSICAL TEST (Men) - Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it for the last time. IMPACT TEST - Have your spouse and yourself take turns tossing a 20 lb. potato sack from the couch onto your relaxed body lying on the floor. The element of surprise is key here. Graduate to cast iron cookware as quickly as possible. FINAL ASSIGNMENT - Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers *************************************************************The Wisdom of Children For years people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Samantha Age 6 If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. Unknown Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato. Unknown You can't trust dogs to watch your food. Unknown Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. Unknown You can't hide broccoli in a glass of milk. Unknown |
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