Jokes
I'll go first. When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.” He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…” Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about, it’s just Beethoven decomposing.  |
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| Two muffins are baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy crap, it sure is hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy crap, a talking muffin!". |
| Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad! Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mom! |
| A man is sitting at home alone when a sheriff's deputy rings the doorbell. "What can I do for you?" the man asks the deputy. The deputy asks the man if he's married, to which he says,"Yes." "Do you have a recent photograph of your wife?" he asks the man. "Sure, one minute," says the man. He returned with a photo of his wife and showed it to the deputy. The deputy, with a saddened look, says to the man, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck." "The man replies, "I know, I know, but she's got a great personality and is an amazing cook |
| A 50ish woman is home, NAKED, happily jumping on her bed & squealing with delight. Husband watches & asks "Do u have any idea how ridiculous u look? What's the matter with u?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed & says, "I don't care what u think. I just had a mammogram, & the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year old." The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year-old ass?" "Your name never came up," she replied. |
| A cowboy is sitting at a bar when a lovely young lady walks up and sits next to him. They begin to chat and he buys her a few drinks. While chatting he puts his feet up on the bar and says "You know what they say about a cowboy with big boots?" to which she replies "Yes i most certainly do." They head home together. The next morning they wake up and she begins to get dressed. While dressing she gets in her purse and gets out $100 dollars. the man says "I didn't know i was that good" the woman laughs and says "Oh no darlin'. This is so you can go buy a smaller pair of boots. |
| A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing" the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled "Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!" St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago". |
| Husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in cart. Wife barks, "What do you think you're doing?" The husband replies, "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans." The wife says, "Put them back, we can't afford them." A few aisles further the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream & puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. The wife says, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful." Her husband fires back, "So do 24 cans of beer& they're half the price! |
| Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.' The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.' Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........ You got nice house.!"....... |
| A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist". The proctologist fainted.. |
| The priest was waiting on Saturday afternoon for his usual parade of people coming to confession. In comes a man so drunk, he is stumbling down the aisle, bouncing from pew to pew. Finally he finds the confessional, goes in, and shuts the door. The priest goes in his side and waits. Nothing happens. He clears his throat so the fellow might know he is there and ready. No reaction. Finally, he starts losing his patience and bangs sharply on the wall three times. The drunk fellow in the confessional says, "It's no use knockin'...There's no paper in here either!" |
| A man who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night, and of course, his car is weaving all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. The cop says, "Sir, do you realize that your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf!" |
| Good ones, keep them coming. |
| Please tell me you are reading and typing, otherwise How Can You Remember So Many at one time?? |
 Awesome, Mark! I only know 7 year old jokes at the moment. My youngest thinks he's the greatest comedian ever. Knock knock Who's there? To. To Whom. |
SheepieBoss wrote: Please tell me you are reading and typing, otherwise How Can You Remember So Many at one time?? Reading & typing? I just wrote those on the spot. |
| An old married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!" |
| A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for a clue. The dad said -"Well, it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an a*****e"! |
| Two wives go out for girls night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no panties." the other husband said "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card in her crack that read 'from all of us at the fire station- we'll never forget you. |
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