Question about manners for prospective house guests
Situation: Your parents are in the middle of a kitchen renovation that is a complete gut job: kitchen is completely un-useable and furniture from the kitchen and family room is now in the already crowded living room and the fridge and microwave are in the dining room, along with many boxes of dishes, pots and pans, the general stuff you'd find in a kitchen or family room. Your parents have 3 large dogs (OES) and your sister is staying there for the summer with her cat. One of the cat's favorite activities is trying to escape the house. The other is to provoke the dogs into chasing him although the dogs frankly don't necessarily need provocation. All the chasing is in good fun, but 3 dogs, very over crowded house with renovations underway, chasing a cat is just kind of a lot. You know this because you saw the situation when you visited last month. You commented that it reminded you of the film "The Road" just before the hero's wife went out into the woods. So, you're going to come for another weekend visit and you want to use that opportunity to introduce your parents to your girlfriend---and her tiny Chihuahua. And you decide to ask your mom via email when you know she is at work at her very stressful job. OH: you plan on coming the next day. |
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| YES!!!!!! The dog goes with!!!! I travel with my Mom some and she learned years ago, each place we stay must be pet friendly!  Good Luck! |
| I'd say NO. First, the renovations are enough stress on your mom already, and you do want the first meeting with your new GF to go well, right? And really, its also very unfair to the Chihuahua. If he/she is going to get along with all the other pets, as you want him/her to, you'd do best by introducing them all in better conditions. If the OES are already prone to chasing the cat, they may also want to chase small dogs -- mine does. So I'd recommend holding off bringing your GF's Chihuahua until things are more settled. Just my opinion, though. |
| I'm with Allison. Enough chaos already!! No way I'd want anyone near me during a kitchen reno! Either postpone or find a dog friendly motel. |
| I'd definitely say NO, leave the dog home. Find a pet-sitter, a resort kennel, stay in a nearby pet-friendly hotel if you need to, but this is already a chaotic and stressful scenario for two- and four-legged alike. You'll probably spend more time running interference with the various animals than actually visiting with the people. |
| Id never dream of assuming my dogs were welcome in anyone else's house without prior discussion. Even in the case of my parent's home, which is doggy central during family gatherings...I always ask first. I'm assuming YOU are the theoretical parents with the kitchen redo?  Considering how some young women behave with tiny-tiny dogs, this may be less of an issue than you think...the Chihuahua's feet may never actually touch the floor  . |
| Thank you, all. I feel much better knowing that I wasn't completely irrational to not be enthusiastic under the circumstances. The truth is this was the situation at my house a year ago. Sigh: I know, I know, I know. It's over but they're coming for a visit soon. It was my oldest son who was coming back to visit with his new girlfriend we had only kind of met, one time. Ultimately, they reluctantly left the chihuahua at home only because on the same day my son emailed me with a request to bring girl friend and her little dog, my hubby also emailed me to tell me that 2 of the 3 dogs had massive diarrhea. For some reason, it took me saying: just take them to the vet, now! for get him to take them to the vet . So, first I got the email about sick dogs, then about the new gf and her little dog coming to the house. Of course, work was especially difficult and stressful that day. I took a deep breath and emailed my son that if they really wanted to bring a little tiny dog into the house, knowing the chaos and clutter plus 3 dogs and a cat, they could, but they should know that 2 of the dogs had diarrhea and I didn't know yet what was causing the problem so it could be a lot of things, including one or two that could be contagious. I wasn't sure how well small dogs tolerated stomach upsets, but I thought they should be aware. All the while I had this mental picture of my dogs deciding to befriend the chihuahua all 3 at one time, which would cause the poor thing to either keel over with a heart attack, pee all over the floor or whatever surface it was on, or bolt through the door where it would flee through the pickets, with the cat in hot pursuit and the dogs bumbling along afterwards, crashing into each other, stacks of books, boxes of dishes, lamps, etc. Which would make for a great scene in a movie. Real life: not so much. Ultimately, they decided to come and leave the chihuahua behind. Because girl friend didn't want to worry about a vet bill. Not because it might be inconvenient given the renovation, or even the sick dogs, or the extra people who were around or the extra clutter. And yes, I should just laugh it off and let it go but I find it very frustrating. We never take our dogs to visit family, although my mother in law always bought whatever dogs she had, which did indeed cause a great deal of chaos, mostly because my mother in law, as much as I love her--and I do truly, truly love her, causes a lot of chaos wherever she goes. Anyway, it's that time again, and they are coming once again to my house. They haven't asked yet if they can bring the dog but I assume it will arrive. BTW, I've yet to have had an actual conversation with the girl friend, although I have tried. She's stayed at our house for a few days, gone to dinner with us twice. I couldn't tell you a thing about her aside from she likes little tiny dogs, shopping, alcohol, expensive stuff. And apparently, my son. |
| Do you think she'd notice if I swapped Tonks out for one of your dogs? It's likely Tonks, in her excitement, would eat the tiny dog. She REALLY likes little dogs. And the girlfriend might never come back! |
| Hah! My Sophie is pretty bitchy, so that might just take care of it. But heck, Tonks could just come for a visit. We're used to 3 big dogs. Don't think I haven't considered that one of my dogs might accidentally swallow hers. Just by yawning big. If teeth were also involved: oh well. Which is really, really mean of me. I should be nicer about all of it. It's hard to separate out what part of me is just mad at my son for not being more open about his relationship with this girl. Long story: he was in a long term relationship with someone we came to love and feel was part of our family. He broke up with her, not entirely for reasons he's told us. Immediately became involved with new girl but has never admitted to how quickly that happened. I'm sure you're drawing the same conclusions I did. Unfortunately, and not because I was really intentionally snooping, I know some things about the new girl friend that I don't much like. One of the kids was home and had left their face book logged on. A friend of mine had been bugging me for a couple of years to set up an acct. and I thought I'd look around a bit on the site to see if I thought there was any value to it. At that point, I just assumed that people posted stuff they regarded as public, which I know now is not true. I don't know why people think anything they post on Facebook or the internet anywhere is really private, but oh well. Lesson learned: Facebook is evil. Unfortunately, I saw this new girlfriend's page, posts on walls, etc. She comes across as very young, very needy, very shallow---and not just because of her tiny little dog accessory. And unfortunately, she seems to be a revert back to his old type: clingy, needy, frilly girl with not a lot of sense but very expensive taste. The first time I ever heard of the new girl friend it was from my daughter who heard from one of my son's friends that he was seeing someone who was crazy about him. Normally, that's just a figure of speech, but my son has had more than one girlfriend who was pretty crazy. Mostly, what I find upsetting is that my son is not behaving like himself. Normally, I hear a great deal about all of his friends, even ones I have not met (he lives a couple of hundred miles away). He's a pretty outgoing, open kind of person and has had a pretty relaxed, easy relationship with us (after the tumultuous teen years). It's been really hard to get him to even mention this new girl although I think it's almost certain that they live together. He's recently gone back to school, which he needed badly. This means he's living much further away and between my work schedule and his, it's been harder to get together. I've suggested that maybe we could come for a short visit (we'd stay in a hotel: his place is really small. And no dogs--although the thought has also crossed my mind that maybe we should visit and bring the dogs with. Just for fun.) He's never responded to that suggestion, never responds if I ask how new girl friend is doing, or if they get to spend a lot of time together with his new work schedule/class schedule, etc. With a great deal of effort, I was able to get him to tell me a tiny bit about her family but he would only answer direct questions: Does she have any brothers or sisters? What do her parents do? Where did she grow up? This is not like my son at all. I know the details of one of his friend's divorces and I've never met that particular friend. I also know the details of a couple of his other friends' divorces but I do know those guys, actually. So, this is just weird. At first I thought perhaps he wasn't sure where their relationship was going and so he was just avoiding talking about her. Now, it's been a long time and it's just weird. She's very quiet. My daughter says she's shy but that's not how I am reading her. About half of my family members, including two sisters, my mother, my husband, my father in law, one brother in law and one of my kids are really shy. I know shy. Oh, and a couple of my very good friends. I know shy. I can work with shy. She just comes across as very withdrawn. No: Thank you for having me. It was nice to meet you. Or: Is there anything I can do to help. Barely responding to questions and son has given me no hints about what she likes (other than him and little tiny dogs) so it's hard for me to start a conversation. Which normally is not a difficult thing for me to do. BTW, my son will turn 33 in a couple of weeks. She's younger but not sure how old she is because, well, my son hasn't told me that. She must be mid-20's but she comes across as much younger. But I feel better knowing that my reaction to the request to bring tiny dog wasn't so far out of whack. Thanks, guys. |
| i often take my pom to my mums to play with her two and i've left her there at the weekend when we've had to go to scotland for family stuff but i wouldn't have dreamed of taking her when my mum was having the new roof done, we had mentioned us having her two come stay with us to avoud the upset. my mums bungalow is quite small and cottagey, it's literally filled with tiffany lamps and antiques so the boxers, especially when younger, would have demolished the place. why anyone would want to bring a dog into the situation you described is beyond me. i don't know if i think it's a bit inconsiderate or just a bit, well, dumb. |
| I'm going to loan you my daughter. Seriously. None of us cared for my younger son's girlfriend/fiancee. Upon meeting her, she immediately bragged about famous/infamous cousins, the famous family that she is distantly releated to and the Emmy she got for cable news. She was more excited about her engagement ring from Tiffany's (really disappointed in my son) and planning the wedding than she was about marrying my son. My daughter talked to her brother about her and shortly after that, he broke it off with her. Fast forward to this Spring. The same son started dating another girl that was no better - inappropriate behavior in social settings (dirty jokes at a kid's birthday party) and a very awkward second meeting with me (if you are dating a guy, don't you bother to remember that you've met his mother). My daughter spoke to her brother and he broke up with her. I know my daughter would love to help out. |
tgir wrote: All the while I had this mental picture of my dogs deciding to befriend the chihuahua all 3 at one time, which would cause the poor thing to either keel over with a heart attack, pee all over the floor or whatever surface it was on, or bolt through the door where it would flee through the pickets, with the cat in hot pursuit and the dogs bumbling along afterwards, crashing into each other, stacks of books, boxes of dishes, lamps, etc. Which would make for a great scene in a movie. Real life: not so much. Sorry I'm a terrible person but this picture is very amusing.  Maybe in defense of your son's actions (but not the gf's actions), possibly your son realizes how close his ex was with his family and how much you thought of her, realizes that the new gf is not going to compare well, so he's keeping it very much on the down low. That's a plausible scenario to me. |
| OMG, tgir! You have me dying of laughter here in my cubicle. I know you probably didn't mean for all of this to be funny, but it is to me No words of wisdom here, but laughter |
| OK, here's the latest re: new girlfriend and the chihuahua: They came for a brief afternoon visit on their way home from a wedding and brought the little dog with them. Sophie and Sherman were delighted and wanted to romp and play with little Tucker. Lots of play bowing from our dogs, lots of come chase me: that sort of thing. What Tucker wanted to do was to hump Sherman. He wasn't interested in Sophie. Once in a while, he would sniff her, figure out she was a she and then go to Sherman. Sherman mostly ignored the behavior but occasionally would turn and give a low growl. Here's an image: All of my sons were home for the afternoon and one of them was sitting on the couch. Sherman came up to him for a bum scratch (typical sheepie) and Tucker saw his chance: He leaped onto the couch and my son's leg which put him within range, so to speak. He again attempted to hump Sherman who turned and looked at Tucker, and just walked away in either confusion or disgust. Yes, I spent Sunday afternoon watching doggie porn. At one point, I thought I'd see if I could distract Tucker with a dried chicken liver treat (my dogs' dead on favorite). Sophie and Sherman and Tucker all came running. Sophie and Sherman sat for their treat. Tucker ignored the treat and tried to mount Sherman's leg. Sherman left in disgust and Sophie cheerfully finished off the treats. From time to time, we let the big dogs out into the yard, just so they could get a break. His owner did nothing at all to curb his behavior or to try to distract him at all. OH: Tucker has not been neutered. She had scheduled an appointment but her car broke down on the way there and in her words: she had been too lazy to re-schedule, but probably would soon. It seems that it is not just my dog that Tucker becomes enamoured of, but any male dog. He ignores girls. The next day, I found that Tucker had left some amusing little presents in a corner of the living room (we were hanging out in the kitchen/family room area during the visit). His owner hadn't thought it important to take him out for a walk after the long car drive from South Dakota to our house (> 4 hours). We couldn't let Tucker out in the yard because he would easily have gotten through the pickets in the fence. I didn't offer to take him for a walk because I spent most of the visit cooking. Girl friend still spoke perhaps a dozen words or so, none of them thank you for having me, or thank you, or please or what can I do to help. I realize that she is shy and introverted. Actually, I am usually able to draw people out rather well. But it makes it harder for me to figure out how to address the issue of managing the dogs. I am assuming that this is going to be a long term thing between my son and this girl and I completely accept that it is his choice and his life. I am just trying to figure out how I will manage visits. My dogs were pretty good, but eventually, I am worried that one of them or both (with Tucker in the middle) might snap and Tucker might get hurt. I am pretty sure that if I ask that they leave Tucker at home, it will mean that they don't come and their visits are pretty infrequent as it is. While I am not a fan of small dogs in general and chihuahuas in particular, I honestly would feel terrible if anything happened to the little dog. Any suggestions? (Both my dogs are altered. There is talk of hers getting neutered but I am not holding my breath). |
tgir wrote: I am assuming that this is going to be a long term thing between my son and this girl and I completely accept that it is his choice and his life. I am just trying to figure out how I will manage visits. My dogs were pretty good, but eventually, I am worried that one of them or both (with Tucker in the middle) might snap and Tucker might get hurt. I am pretty sure that if I ask that they leave Tucker at home, it will mean that they don't come and their visits are pretty infrequent as it is. While I am not a fan of small dogs in general and chihuahuas in particular, I honestly would feel terrible if anything happened to the little dog. My mother has problems with my dogs visiting - actually, she has problems with me having dogs, period - so I don't visit her unless I'm absolutely forced to. I figure if she wants to see me, she can come visit me. Maybe you can do the same - leave your dogs home and go visit son & girlfriend. Little dog is safe and son & girlfriend can do the cooking. Kristine |
Quote: My mother has problems with my dogs visiting - actually, she has problems with me having dogs, period Oh goodness, another one. Mom never could understand my love for dogs. She considered all dogs filthy, dirty creatures. She would not come to visit us, the one time she did she was convinced she had a flea bite.....we've never had fleas here......ticks yes! Never would she consider coming back. When we talked it was "how are the dogs?" out of politeness but that was the extent of the conversation. |
Mad Dog wrote: My mother has problems with my dogs visiting - actually, she has problems with me having dogs, period - so I don't visit her unless I'm absolutely forced to. I figure if she wants to see me, she can come visit me. Maybe you can do the same - leave your dogs home and go visit son & girlfriend. Little dog is safe and son & girlfriend can do the cooking. Kristine I think Kristine has a winning idea here!!! |
SheepieBoss wrote: Quote: My mother has problems with my dogs visiting - actually, she has problems with me having dogs, period Oh goodness, another one. Mom never could understand my love for dogs. She considered all dogs filthy, dirty creatures. She would not come to visit us, the one time she did she was convinced she had a flea bite.....we've never had fleas here......ticks yes! Never would she consider coming back. When we talked it was "how are the dogs?" out of politeness but that was the extent of the conversation. Definitely my mom as well, but... the older I get, I understand where they are coming from despite my love for dogs and desire to always own one. Even after we got the okay please bring the dog... we asked every time after that for over 3 years. Then the in-laws just assumed they could bring her shedding dog into our home, and we naturally assume we can bring our dog each visit. We've grown a respect for each others dogs I think. However, I make it a point to not let our dog on their couches and never in a kitchen unless it's the parent that invited them. If they become a nuisance at all, I immediately put Yuks outside. I hate inconsiderate people. At my mom's house, Yuki spends the entire time in the backyard or in the large laundry room. Yuks hates it but it's 100 times better than the kennel (in her head and to our wallets). |
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