Dilema - stepsons girlfriend at our house alone ... ?
My husband is not happy about that to say the least and as lovely as she is, I kind of agree with him. As if she wants to go out, she will want a key to the house, that kind of thing. I really don't know what to do about it or how we are going to tell Mitch without him getting all defensive as in "oh god whats your problem" I mean, its almost like a stranger is just staying around your house all day, even though she isn't ... do you get what I mean ? Dave and I are also away this weekend and Annie said to me yesterday, oh its just me and the dogs all day Saturday then and I kinda said I guess so, thinking, I don't think so missey.  |
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| Uhh... lol Well he should be more than grateful enough that you allow his 17 yo gf to spend not the night, but the weekend ....every week.
To me this is VERY simple, but I also don't have the kind of relationship you do with your kid. I'd tell your son his gf can't stay all sat as if she lives here b/c it makes you guys feel uncomfortable. In this case, I don't see how honesty isn't your best bet. I'd go on, but he's 21.. If he can't handle it, he can go find his own place instead of staying at mom and dad's free place where his very nice parents obviously give him space and freedom. |
| I'm totally agreeing with you on all fronts. I've told him countless times that he is lucky we agree to it and I've had to tell him that no, she does NOT stay in the week, because I am not having her get her feet under the table so to speak. I've also told him that he can forget even thinking about her moving in because that will be over my dead body !
In fairness to Mitch, he takes what we say on board and does respect that its our house and we are not pushing him away, but has to understand just how young they both are, but of course, at that age you think you know it all until your wicked step mother comes down on you and puts a few things straight lol |
| I'm sure different culture, different norms, etc - but in the US 21 yo male with a 17 yo female is playing with FIRE.
I agree you're more than generous. Where is this young lady's family? Doesn't she go home? |
rdf wrote: I'm sure different culture, different norms, etc - but in the US 21 yo male with a 17 yo female is playing with FIRE.
You're totally right about different cultures and norms. 
In some states, 17 is actually the legal age (like in TX) at least when it comes to criminal activity. In AK, it may be 16 for legal consent. Ollie, well I totally don't think or wasn't saying there was anything wrong with your son and would totally believe that he's responsible and an outstanding guy! Just saying you're a very nice mom. |
| Yes its 16 here and they know how I feel about sleeping together in that it does not happen under this roof, but that I am just allowing you both to be together. I think it helps that I've known her a few years and know what she is like.
I just called my husband and gave him the feedback  I also said that I don't actually want the responsibility for her being there - because that could lead to allsorts of problems. Now thats a good point to make Mitch aware of and what the implications could be.
Thanks Joahaeyo, its good to see what others think, gives us a bit of perspective |
| Male point of view:
If your son/stepson is 21, he is old enough to be able to make a choice to: 1) get his own place where his girlfriend can stay as long as she wants (provided at 17 this is OK with her parents); or 2) if he choses to live with his parents, his visitors are just that. Not his parents permanent guests. I think your son is imposing on you and you have allowed it to go on too long. You should encourage your husband to have a talk with his son to let him know how he feels. It doesn't need to be a confrontation. The son may not even perceive there is an issue (although he should).[/i] |
| Sorry forgot to answer about her family - well what a mess, where do I start ...
Her mum abandoned her and left Annie with her mother (Gran) who she lives with, her father lives in the house next door and is a big drinker, I think as long as he has money for beer, then everything is fine. The whole family is a right mess and I wouldn't have one of them in my house - they all smoke illegal substances and god knows what else, but Annie seems to be the only one who wants out of that life and on the straight and narrow and she has said to Mitch thats why she likes to stay at our house. My life is a million miles away from anything like that, always has been and I am lucky. Whilst I sympathise with her, its not my problem or responsibility. |
| She's 17 and stays at your house every week-end? And her family doesn't care? I'm assuming they sleep in the same room. This is a baby waiting to happen. |
| Thanks Richard and my husband is going to have one of those talks tonight. I had to have a talk with both of them the other week about being too familiar - and you're right, they seem oblivious to any issues. |
| Well that is certainly a complication and most unfortunate.
But it doesn't change the underlying problem. Your stepson is an adult and can take his girlfriend out of her situation if he wants to make a life together (ignoring the fact that she is a minor at present, and such a choice should not be made out of sympathy). But he is not in a position to assume you will, unless you consciously decide to accept her into your family even on a part-time basis. He needs to understand that is your decision, not his. There are certainly legal as well and emotional complications for all concerned. All the more reason for that conversation as a starting place. |
| Richard, agree and all the responses to my post have really opened my eyes. If I read this I'd be saying the same kind of things.
I believe if they could afford it they would want to live together, but even I think it is far too young for them to do that - especially her. I've been really unhappy about this situation for a long time and I think the time has come to say you can stay every other weekend, even if Mitch didn't have to work Saturday's. OK a little late in the day for changing rules, but our house our rules. Thanks all. |
| I hope things go well for you all. If the son understands and makes an accommodation for you willingly (such as less frequent visits, or at least asking you if it is alright if Annie comes over), then I would take that as a positive step.
At 60, my wife and I often look back on one kid, two grandchildren and 12 sheepdogs and realize how much less trouble sheepdogs are than kids. |
Quote: At 60, my wife and I often look back on one kid, two grandchildren and 12 sheepdogs and realize how much less trouble sheepdogs are than kids.
Fully taken on board. We're sticking with sheepies
Things are very different here in the UK, 16 is the legal age. My boyfriend was never allowed to stay, but had to leave by 11 or midnight. This was his parent's choice as he was younger than me. I thought this very unfair at 14-18 because I had been with my boyfriend for 4 years and felt practically married. I really think pregnancy will be avoided if it's not what they want. I wish my parents had put a stop to my early relationship, in my opinion under 21 is too young, but then it was a very abusive relationship for me and at the ages of 14-18 I didn't know how to deal with it. My parents were oblivious to what went on even though it was under their roof. Honestly, I think 17 is too young and she may become too dependant on him (and you) providing a 'safe house'. I think you need to say every other weekend or only Saturday nights is OK. If she is really worried about her home life, surely she can stay at a girlfriend's sometimes? Like you say, that's not your problem. Protect your own ground, your own hubby AND those two 'kids'. |
| That's really too bad about her family.
It sounds like she's seeking refuge at your home. I can understand that. I would feel as you do but also be torn because she's in a safer place in your home. No easy answers here. |
| Yeh I never wanted kids and still don't if the truth be told !
I feel pretty angry with myself right now, like I could just explode, because I knew this would happen and like I said, you guys just confirmed everything I ever thought (which I really do appreciate by the way), almost feel a bit like a fool - purely because you are ALL right. Having read all the replies, which I can't tell you how much I appreciate it, because it just confirms what I think, not sure about my husband, but I think now he realises just what a bad situation it is and now he will have it out with Mitch, but he should of laid ground rules from day one. I never agreed to them staying in the same bed at all. I just came home one night and saw shoes in the mat that weren't mine and the house all locked up - but because we knew her Dave said, well its done now - BIG mistake !! Don't you worry, the furry babies are my life ... mmm and they know it |
Don't beat yourself up about it, just be strong and know it's for the best in the long term  |
Oh Kayla, what a dilema! The rules for my two girls were always 'not in my house' until they left home and then, before one was married, if they used to visit it seemed a bit mad to make them sleep apart when they sleep together in their own home! But thats the point....they had their own home and, like everyone else, I agree that whilst he's living in your home he needs to abide by your rules. I think every other weekend would still be very lenient. I wouldn't want to get up every weekend to have a 'lodger' to worry about. Maybe if you suggest to Mitch that you and Dave want some weekend time to be 'alone together' he'll feel so embarrassed about the thought that he'll encourage her to stay away!! 
See you Friday night - can't wait! We can discuss this over a glass of wine (or two!) |
| Very, very sticky situation. Your stepson needs to take full responsibility for birthcontrol. He can't rely on her to be taking steps to avoid a pregnancy. Getting pregnant would be one way for her to hold onto him should he ever decide to split up with her. |
| It's simple - it's your house and your rules - if the relationship can't handle it then it is doomed anyway.
If she wasn't so helpful how would you react? She could spend the day out doing something else, leave with your son and come home with him, don't be put upon by circumstances outside of your control. Hey maybe she could get a Saturday job on a Checkout? |
| What a dilema!!
I agree with whats been said though and its your house and your rules. If Mitch is starting work this weekend then maybe now's the time to change the rules, and say Annie can't stay on the Friday night of the week he is working. It would solve the problem for the weekend too. So glad I only have a furbaby |
| Well when we got home last night Mitch was out, I made Dave read all your responses so he can what other people think.
Mitch will be getting a talking to tonight, he'll get the rules and if he doesn't like it then too bad, because this is how it will be going forward, every other weekend and thats it. I'm also tempted to let him read some of this so he realises that its just not me and Dave, because Annie hasn't a clue about family rules, so just because anything goes in her house, it most certainly will not be the case in my house .... anymore 
Thank you all for opening my eyes. |
| Good luck! Such family matters can be so difficult and so hurtful. |
| Yep, good luck. I would have been very upset at that age- but Mark is right, if the relationship can't handle it then what hope do they really have? I wish my parents had done it for me and it's definitely for the best, I'm sure nobody wants you guys to be unhappy in your own house, that would be awful and very unfair |
| My 2 cents from a different angle...my brother moved in with his gf when he was 16-17 cause things were "so bad at home" I was 10 at the time and by things being so bad, he meant, "I don't get to do what I feel I'm entitled to".
He moved in with them and didn't move out until they divorced 2 years ago. By the end their family knew me pretty well so I think they realised they'd been had. My brother never really grew up past 16. Moved back in with my parents after he was divorced and overall would likely have grown up and taken care of himself if he hadn't learned that playing the victim was so effective. There are alot of things I would have thought was ok at 17 but a few years later I started thinking more like a parent instead of a child and I changed my mind on most of those things.I think offering moral support is great but providing an example of structure is even better. |
Vicki & George wrote: What a dilema!!
I agree with whats been said though and its your house and your rules. If Mitch is starting work this weekend then maybe now's the time to change the rules, and say Annie can't stay on the Friday night of the week he is working. It would solve the problem for the weekend too. So glad I only have a furbaby I agree... too!!! |
| hello
my hubby and i met when we were at high school and only 16, remember we are from the uk too so 16 is the age there our parents let us share a room after we had been together about a year (we did not jump in to anything quickly) BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!! i would never never never have expected to stay at their house by myself nor to be given a key!!!!!!! same thing the other way round. now my hubby and i were always very mature we were both 13 going on 30 kind of teens, never went out drinking or partying etc etc we got engaged at 19, married nearly 3 years later and had been together as a couple more then 6 and a half year before we had our son. hubby and i turn 27 last month (hes 3 days older than me) and we will have been together 11 year in september. i also know that age gaps of 4 years can work my mum married my dad when he was nearly 21 and she was just 17!!!! they have been married 31 years!!!!! now you know were i'm coming from i agree with the other posters your house your rules!!!!! i would never have expected to stay alone in my bfs parent house. zoe and einy |
| I am so not trying to sound snarky - but maybe I
missed something. Why is this child staying the night at your house? I can think of several reasons, but if there was an explanation I missed it.  I should
have read more closely before responding. If you are worried about her "getting her feet under the table" - I think that happened the first stay-over night. I realize they may not be sharing a bed (in your home) but IMHO, 17 is a bit young to be staying at the bf's - no offense intended. I would not allow it. I will say, there may be some legit reason, one that even I may accept from my own son. I have been an open home to all my sons friends. Whenever they need somewhere to go, we welcome them with open arms. However, the situation has never happened with a girl. I have only boys, so I can see where you are, but I still think I'd put my foot down. I would tell my son, if you want to play house, you must find your own house. Maybe that's why my son has never asked?
I say have a sit down with all residents in the house and discuss it. Let your feelings be known, and the reasons behind them. (after you have had the spouse talk first! of course) Shellie |
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