Question about Chinese Culture
Each Christmas season we exchange small boxes of delicious chocolates. It's become a ritual. We are very friendly to each other when we see each other, and make "very" small talk, since we don't understand each other very well. Last year, the wife retire from a research position at Abbott Labs. I know she was very happy about it. She was redoing the house and garden. She always looked so happy. Oh BTW...she hates Keira. For some reason Keira always barks (that nasty Border Collie bark) at her. I don't know why. When I got back from my vacation, Tony had found out through a neighbor that the wife has advanced cancer. Apparently while I was gone, their son come from San Franciso to see his mom...and a parade of visitors came by to visit her. I don't know what her status is. I'm concerned and saddened. But I don't know if their culture would accept me visiting and asking how she is. I've been hoping to run into the husband, but I haven't seen him. Do any of your know if it would be approprate for me to visit? And if so, should I bring a small gift, or flowers? My heart goes out to the family. They are really wonderful, kind neighbors. Our communication had been through our hearts and not our words. Thanks. |
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| I am sorry to hear about your neighbor. I don't know about the culture side of the situation but I would bet that a caring gift, a kind word and just a friendly smile would go a long way. Keep it simple.
You have, like you said, been neighbors and communicating thru warm heartfelt moments already.... Why stop now? I say go for it... |
| Deborah,
It is really very kind and thoughtful of you. I am sorry to hear that your neigbhor can't get to enjoy the "Harvest Years" of her life. I am a Chinese, grew up in Hong Kong. There is a big difference growing up in Hong Kong and growing up in China. Hong Kong had been governed by the British government for many, many years and being an international city for so long, people from Hong Kong are more "westernized" and not as traditional as people from mainland China. Having said that, I don't think there is anything against the culture of you visiting your sick Chinese neighbor. There might be just one thing that you want to pay attention to, during your visit or any interaction with her family. Try to avoid bringing up anything that are related to death. If this subject must come up, do not use words "death, die" etc. It is somehow commonly believed by the Chinese that if you say things like that to a person, you are like "cursing" that person for that to happen, ie wishing bad wishes to that person. In terms of gift, it would be great if the gift has a meaning of bringing good health, good luck..etc Never give chrysanthemum as gift, that is the kind of flower commonly used for Chinese funeral. White and black color means funeral, (All immediate family members have to wear white and the guests have to wear black in Chinese funeral, more traditional families hang up white or black lanterns outside their house when there is death in the family) so avoid white and black. NEVER give clock as gift because in Chinese, "give clock" and the phase "going to your funeral" pronounce the same. Then again, I don't think this family care too much about the culture difference in this situation. They have been your neighbor for 10 years. The got to already known how much you respect their culture in these 10 years and how you are a nice and caring person. Even if by accident, you did say or do anything "inappropriate" in the Chinese culture, it would not be matter, it is the thought and intention that count! I had once received a pot of chrysanthemum as house warming gift from my friend here. Even though it was really a big no-no, I had no ill feeling about it at all. I appreciated her thought and her kind gesture. That's what count! My regards to her and her family... Martini |
| Martini, thank you so much for the wonderful information! I'm thinking over the weekend, I will stop by with a small basket of fresh fruit. Even if she can't enjoy it, her visitors (and husband) will be able to. Thank you..... |
| Deb
Fruit basket is an excellent idea. If it is possible to get peach in this season, peach will be the best possible gift. Peach is the magical fruit that the Deity of Longevity holds in his hand (as seen in the figurine or painting) This fruit represents longevity. If you google "Longevity figurine" image, you will see (among the three, they come in a group of three, deity of Happiness, Wealth and Longevity) the one with bald head holding the peach is the Deity of Longevity. Martini |
| I will make a point of finding peaches! Thanks again! |
| Deborah,
I'm sorry about your neighbor. I'd make a short visit, the worst thing that could happen is they ask you to leave. The best that could happen is you brighten someone's day. I am now worried about the gift I gave my neighbor -- a black mantel clock painted with chrysanthemums and a white face. Is there an "anti curse gift?" |
Ron wrote: Deborah,
I'm sorry about your neighbor. I'd make a short visit, the worst thing that could happen is they ask you to leave. The best that could happen is you brighten someone's day. I am now worried about the gift I gave my neighbor -- a black mantel clock painted with chrysanthemums and a white face. Is there an "anti curse gift?" Homemade chicken soup, Ron...that cures anything! I've noticed my neighbor's house is very quiet since I've returned home. I'm frightened, that I'm late...... |
| Ron,
You can also dress up as the Deity of Longevity - shave your head, wear a robe (can be bathrobe if you can't find one) and hold a giant peach in your hand and visit your neighbor. It is such a good omen to be visited by the God of Longevity. Major counter measure for all the "curses" 
Deb, If you are worried about not knowing when is a good time to visit them or whether they still want visitors, perhaps you can leave a card and the basket of fruit at their front door? |
Gigi wrote: Ron, I don't know how much it would do for them, but my other neighbors might die of laughter.You can also dress up as the Deity of Longevity - shave your head, wear a robe (can be bathrobe if you can't find one) and hold a giant peach in your hand and visit your neighbor. It is such a good omen to be visited by the God of Longevity. Major counter measure for all the "curses" |
| I think its really caring of you to ask about the culture; I'm sure your neighbour will be touched to know that you are thinking of her and want to do the right thing.
Wonder why Keira barks mmmmm mind you Collies are as sharp as razors, Keira must sense something ? Well, I have learn't something also about the Chinese culture from the previous posts - they say you learn something new everyday ? |
| Deb--I would personally not 'visit', especially if you haven't visited aside from being outside before. You just never know if they are wanting visitors but not wanting to say no. I like the idea of a card and a fruit basket on their door, or if you see them give it in person, or even knock on the door. But to me, visiting seems tiring for her. |
| Just a question, does the number four also mean death? In Japanese culture the number four can be said two ways and one means death. Therefore things are given in odd numbers 3 or 5 of something.
The number thing stands out to me I used to buy my fruit in 4's but since marrying a Japanese Canadian I try to remember 3 or 5 of things instead of 4. Just thought I would ask so that if you were to give fruit the number of fruit might also mean something in Chinese culture. |
| Hi Guest
Yes, 4 and death have the same pronnounciation, so yes, you are right. Then again, all these "traditions" are only observed on important days like Chinese New Years, Wedding, Birthday (esp for elderly), Funeral..or a person's big day of his life. The newer generations don't even care about that much. Just for fun: 8 = get wealthy 9 = long lasting (used in a wedding a lot, for its good meaning) 18 = definitely going to get wealthy 14 = definitely going to die And if someone just so happened to accidentally give a cloak as a gift, there is really a way to counteract  ...the receiver will give the giver some money, $1 or so, with money involved even for such a small amount, the whole action is now changed from "giving a clock" into "buying a clock". Amazing, huh? I wonder who came up with that idea??!! 
Martini |
| I don't know if it's a Jewish thing, or just something my family always did, but if you give someone a knife or knife set, the receiver had to pay something (even a penny) to the giver. I don't know what it means, or why we do it. Just always have. Also if you give someone a wallet, we must put some money (again it can be any amount) it in, so it will never be empty. I love traditions! |
| Must be an anyone thing as it's something that my family and friends do, and I think the reason for the penny etc is so as to not cut the friendship and we also do the wallet thing but don't know why |
| When I got home from work last night, my neighbor was coming home with a friend. She got out of the car, and looked FABULOUS! She was smiling and giggling, and looked happy. I figure...I would not bring up her health. I did say to her, Hello! I haven't seen you for so long! And her reply was, "oh, I've seen you". Hmmm...odd answer. But she looked great and happy, so, I decided I did not have to visit this weekend. Thanks for all the great advice. |
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