Family advice desperately needed
My mum has been very jealous of me since day one. I'm an only child and dad always worked away, when he was home at the weekend, mum would make me stay in my room so she could have her time with him. She would get very nasty if he took me to get the food shopping or help him with DIY. She turned to drink after my dad had an affair when I was about 3. It was this time when my dad separated from his entire family because she didn't want him to have contact. I grew up with an alcoholic mum and dad drank heavily when he was home. At the age of 9 I was ironing my own school uniform. Mum made me do the housework, and although I was allowed out with my friends, my chores had to be done first. It was around this time my mum told me if I had been born 6 years earlier she might have loved me. She tore up the family photos and ruined a painting my dad's mum had done of my hometown, she was incredibly jealous and if I had saved up for anything new, I had to hide it from her. I suffered a lot of verbal and emotional abuse which I'm sure she has no memory of. I remember the morning smell of bleach as she turned her friends out and cleared up the vomit, only to carry on drinking by midday. When I was 21 she ended up in hospital. The doctors didn't think she would make it through the week. She did, and after a recovery time of 6 months or so, started drinking again. The abuse continued. I'm 31 now, and my home situation is a little unusual. Mum broke up with dad 3 years ago, Greg & I made a deal with dad, he helped us with a deposit on a house, and we would share a mortgage together. After mum had a few relationships which didn't work out, she decided to get back with dad. Now he travels 100mile round trip 3 times a week to see her. I've been too ill to work (auto immune problems) for 2 years and our money situation is stressful as dad can't put as much money in as we had arranged. Every week there is some way that I have upset mum. Last week it was because I called upstairs to dad to tell him dinner was ready. He was on the phone to mum, which I didn't know, so she got really mad at me. This week it was when she asked me what I was dong for my birthday, I told her, but she says It was as though I didn't want to see her. I have been particularly ill this week with my thyroid and have slept most days, no way have I been safe to drive, never mind the 100 mile trip! But she took offence. Today it was because she left a message on my phone to say she wanted the throws back that she had given me 4 years ago (no gifts are permanent) and I planned to call her back. I was on my way out with Ru, the first time I have been able to take him out for 2 weeks! Mum rang as I was getting in the car. "Sorry I can't talk, my battery is about to die & I'm just getting in the car". Well, all hell broke loose. I was just about to hang up when I heard my mum AND dad say I am a selfish b**ch.  I am heartbroken (again) at how horrible they are, the language was so course and hurtful. I came back inside and used the house phone to call them and say how hurt I am. NOPE. I am in the wrong according to them.
I feel so so hurt at this latest blow, because it was both of them. I'm seriously considering cutting off all contact after we move, I can't take this anymore. It really is constant. I am exhausted and ill, trying to make a recovery. The pressure every week from my mum's anger is just making me worse. She is angry at EVERYONE and freely admits that. I have talked to her about counselling, which she says she needs again, and tried to help her by suggesting meditation which she has tried, but I seriously think she needs antidepressants. She is so impossible, even towards other family members and my dad too. What do I do? I've had 30 years of it & I really can't take any more  |
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| Cassie, that really bites.
In light of the most recent issue, with both of them against you, do you think alcohol was involved with both of them? Maybe it was the drunk mentality ganging up on you. They obviously need help, but if they don't see it and want it, it won't help. Their love/hate relationship with each other and everyone around them is destructive. Only you know if totally banishing them from your life will be good or bad. I know my own family has it's issues too. After the death of my dad, my mom went off the deep end. Very judgemental and negative. Words were exchanged, and we haven't spoken in many years now. She even moved out of the state without telling us - to be nearer my youngest sister. I am thinking it is time to try and make a relationship again, but haven't got up to it yet....... I know others will give you better help, but just know that many of us have not perfect families too. Thankfully for me, Todd's family has always been there, we do everything with them. But, his parents both died this past year. It makes one realize that you can't wait forever to mend relationships. |
| Hi Cassie you have taken enough, I went through something very similar with my mother and I left home when I was 19, I broke off all cotact a few years later and have lead my own life without looking back since then. What you are going through is mental cruelty and is a very dangerous thing as your relationship with Greg could also suffer in the end. You have to make up your own mind and I wish you well with your decision. |
| Cassie,
They are the broken ones...not you. I hope whatever decision you make, it allows you to move on and brings YOU happiness along the way. Julie & Addie  |
| I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I currently have very little contact with my mother, for different reasons than yours. However, it is a decision I've made for the sake of self preservation.
Your mother is abusive, pure and simple. And it sounds like she even acknowledges it on some level (she admits she's angry at everyone), and isn't seeking any help with it, which to me signifies that she is unwilling to change. It seems as though she has made her choice to treat you this way, and now it's up to you to choose how you want to conduct yourself in response. Since telling her that she hurt your feelings doesn't seem to have an effect, maybe you need to stand up for yourself in a respectful way. When dealing with verbal abuse in the past, here is what I've said. "I feel that you treat me disrespectfully, and I will no longer tolerate it. When you can speak to me in a civil manner, without calling me names and cussing at me, then I will be glad to hear from you." I know it's complicated because of your dad, but if you go this route, you want to make sure that he doesn't become the conduit for her abuse towards you. Just because he is willing to take her abuse doesn't mean that you have to listen to it. We are all grown-ups and make choices on how to behave. Your mother has made her choice. Your dad has made his. Now it's time to make yours. I wish you all of the luck in the world with this situation, but most of all, I wish you peace. 
Laurie |
| Cassie, I'm sorry you have to go through this. I have had my share of problems with my brothers over the years, and I found that therapy has helped me the most. I can't change them, but I can change the way I react. Would you be willing to see a counselor? |
Paula O. wrote: Cassie, I'm sorry you have to go through this. I have had my share of problems with my brothers over the years, and I found that therapy has helped me the most. I can't change them, but I can change the way I react. Would you be willing to see a counselor?
I had the same with my sister. I walked away and its been over 5 yrs. Just this past month my neice had a get together and ofcourse she was there. She was ok and we did talk. I guess she got the message. As my oldest daughter hung up on her a few times. She has laid off the obuse to all of us. If she starts again I walk. So it is up to you to let her go. I read the posts so you know you are not the only one with family who is "different" Good luck, I will pray for you |
| Cassie;
they say you can choose your friends, but not your family. I don't know who "They" are, but they are dead wrong. My father beat my mother for the 8 years of their marriage. She left and divorced him when I was very young. By my teens, he was still abusive; verbally, emotionally, physically and a drinker and occasional drug user. When I was 16 I told him I didn't want to see him again. I'm now 37 and it was the best decision I could have made. I stood by what I said; I have not seen him again, even though my sisters did. As time passed, years really, they too followed my example, and now none of us have any contact with him. Chose who you spend your time with. Let people know how you expect to be treated, regardless of their relationship to you. Would you let an employer treat you so badly? Or a so-called friend? Hopefully you would not. Try telling your parents "You do not treat me with love or with respect; and until you do so I am not interested in allowing you to treat me poorly. I am suspending contact with you until you re-think our relationship." Then be prepared for the worst. They won't believe you; so they will test you. Get used to hanging up the phone on them. Get used to picking up the phone, and without listening, saying " I am not taking your calls until you learn to speak to me respectfully" and then hang up. These are hard things to do; I found writing myself scripts helped me to keep my thoughts clear, and to not be side tracked by the emotional black mail they'll throw at you. And they'll probably show up on your doorstep to berate you. I actually had to call the police on my dad, and have a restraining order issued. Some families mean well, and don't manage to do the job done of expressing themselves properly. Others don't even mean well. Just because they are your family doesn't mean you have to take this non-sense and abuse from them. I don't have much contact with my mother either these days; but thats another long story. But the happy ending is that I do very well for myself, allowing people I care for, and that care for me, into my life, and editing out those who wish me harm. PM me if you want to talk more. I'm here for you; and I feel your pain. |
| Cassie, I feel your pain, really. Its in the words that you typed and the feeling that you put in there.
I agree with Alison. Let them know you won't be treated in this manner...and stick with it. Do you have caller ID? If not you need it. I grew up with an alcoholic mom and though she's much better now my younger days were always in turmoil. |
| I am so sorry you are going through this. My best friend has an auto immune disorder she is dealing with and tired all the time. Extra stress makes her worse and she has mentioned many a bad day after dealing with her "crazy sister." First you have done nothing to this woman to warrant this. It appears she does or may have continuing mental health issues that she is not medicated for. Her verbal abuse has and appears to be continually taking a toll on you and for that I am so sorry. You mentioned she is an alcoholic, her behaviors that you have written about are all classic alcoholism signs that will continue until she decides enough is enough. Is there ALANON in your area? Here is a website, I think I saw your in England. www.al-anonlondon.org.uk/ This group is wonderful for family members of alcoholics. It can help you address what you have seen, heard and are feeling, as well as support to become stronger.
You mentioned, "I'm seriously considering cutting off all contact after we move, I can't take this anymore. It really is constant. I am exhausted and ill, trying to make a recovery." This is a smart idea. Unfortunately your family may not understand this. Until she understands why, "She is angry at EVERYONE" you cannot help her and may make it worse. You can only be a support, but if this is attacking you and your health a temporary disconnect, or even permanent one from your mother is a good idea. We seperate from people who are not healthy why is family any different. It is a good idea to reach out for you, try Alanon they are a great group of people. I have had years of experience with them. Keep contact to a minimum and don't answer the telephone when you don't want to deal with it. Sounds like she does have some insight, but just doesnt know how, where or if she wants to begin to heal. That is not your fault nor can you push her into anything. I hope I am not sounding cruel or mean, it is hard to type all thoughts in a post. You will be in my prayers. Tish |
Mum won't go to a help group because she hates to show emotion. I've talked to her about it. She was really shocked and offended at my suggesting it 
It's the false accusations which really frustrate me. She accused me of barring her phone number a few months ago. At the time I was horrified even at the thought of it, but now it seems a good idea. She says our fights are all my fault, that although I never say anything bad, it's the tone of my voice or what she reads into my words, which I know is rubbish because I try so hard to be nice and constantly positive. Once I hugged dad before her when she came over, he was in the door first but she got mad at me. Once I was carrying a pile of ironing upstairs when she walked in, I explained I was just taking this upstairs then I'll be back down, but she went crazy at me for that too. I can't do anything right. I'm sick of trying to please her because she always finds something to hate me for. I've been up all night crying and trying to work it out in my head. I just want to be as far away from them as possible, while hopefully keeping the peace. I will give her a chance to see a doctor and sort herself out (I can't help her any more) and tell her I don't want her to contact me unless she is going to treat me with respect. And these PMS induced phone rants HAVE to stop. I'm not a victim any more. |
| Cassie,
The help group is for you. It is for family and friends of those dealing with those with drinking problems. Check out the website. It may help. |
| Thank you, I will. As long as I don't have to go with her! J/K |
| NO!!!! That's the idea. This is for normal people from CRAZY families. LOL |
| I went to a group called ACOA; Adult Children of Alcoholics. I loved it there; I learned so much! See if you have one of those groups as well. They are such great places to vent with other people that are going through the same thing, and good places to learn how to deal with the un-dealable. Even if that is to learn to move on to a new life without the abusive parent. Good luck! |
| You've gotten lots of good advice here already, so I just wanted to offer my support and sympathy.
I've struggled with some toxic issues with family members for many years, although not to the extent you have. But I can still empathize with you. I know what it's like to be torn by loyalty and by a need to protect yourself. Whatever you choose, I wish you peace. You deserve it. |
| I don't have any advice for you Cassie but I just wanted to offer my deepest sympathy.
I have only met you once but you are lovely person and you should be proud of the things you have achieved in your life, more so because you have done it "alone" I hope whatever decison you make you find true hapiness with Greg and Ru. And if you ever need to get away for a break you are welcome to come here and stay with us. Take Care and remember your "virtual family" are always here for you. |
| Cassie,
I have personal expereince where it became time for me to cut my sister from my life. In my experience, it gets easier as time goes by, but you do need to make the decision and move forward. For me I wrote her a letter that clearly outlined that I would no longer recognize her as my sister and that I would morn the loss of a sister as though she had died. I can tell you that a letter like that can be a two edges sword, she has over the years tried to use it against me and fortunatly for me, I had kept a copy of the letter for clarifiation. My sister did some pretty horrible things to me and I had finally had enough. This was nearly 20 years ago and still to this day, I feel my decsion was a good and sound one. As some has already stated, you can not pick your family, and it's true you can not, the truth is also, that you have to "divorce" members of your family to keep your sanity. Here is the reality, you have health issues, serious ones. You need to make a decision and stick with it, either keep her in your family and deal with her. Or separate and go forward and take care of yourself. I will tell you that there are times that she tries to make contact. The thing I have to remember when she does this is that I can not buy into it, I can not react to it, I can not invest in it. And they will try to draw you in to the web of their life.... don't be tempted. If you want to discuss this, please PM me and I will be there for you. It is tough decision to make, but I feel that you may need to make it. My heart goes out to you. Leslie |
Vicki & George wrote: I don't have any advice for you Cassie but I just wanted to offer my deepest sympathy.
I have only met you once but you are lovely person and you should be proud of the things you have achieved in your life, more so because you have done it "alone" I hope whatever decison you make you find true hapiness with Greg and Ru. And if you ever need to get away for a break you are welcome to come here and stay with us. Take Care and remember your "virtual family" are always here for you. Vicki said it all really. We're here for you and I just wanted to add my support to all the other kind words. You've been through so much its just not fair that these things should happen to nice people. |
| Cassie, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I actually read this post a couple of days ago and didn't reply because I never really know what to say to stuff like this but I've been thinking about it constantly. It made me really sad to hear about the way your parents are treating you. It sounds like all you get from the relationship is stress and upset. I can't even imagine what it feels like to have your parents doing that to you but, I agree, it might be better for you to just be done with them and go on with your life. It will be their loss, not yours.
On the plus side, sometimes bum parents have a way of coming around when they realize that their kids are really all they have. My dad did. It took him about 25 to figure it out but it did happen. By the way, totally off topic but a compliment for you-- I can't believe you're over 30! You look incredibly young! |
| Cassie, you have received sound advice. Let her go and don't allow her or others to guilt you about it. Remember, you can't feel guilty if you are not willing to accept the guilt in the first place. Join a support group, it will help.
I love my mom and have had an ongoing relationship with her through thick and thin (not an easy thing to do considering). My Mom suffered psychological issues that could have been readily treated with medication. Living with her uncontrolled paranoia, raging jealousy, and occasional delusions were difficult at best. I gathered my siblings and brought their attention to her problems and suggested medical treatment/medication. They turned on me. I guess they didn't want to recognize the potential in someone they loved. My 3 siblings refused to speak to me other than rancorous, venomous comments, or to lie about me for years. I followed the same advice given on this forum. I removed myself and my children from a situation that threatened us greatly. I could not be my best for the kids dealing with that kind of stress, and I would not expose my children to that kind of evil. I learned long ago that sharing a strand of DNA doesn't mean you will automatically like or love that other person. Today, after many years, my siblings and I do talk. The way I handled the situation taught them a lot. Mostly, how to take the highroad and the world doesn't revolve around them. It's been interesting. 
Good luck, it's not an easy road. |
| Cassie, I too am sorry for you having to go through all of this. My situation was a lot like Dawn's....... and yes sometimes we just have to block them out of our lives.
we'll be your family here if you need us. sounds like blocking them off the phone is a good start. Ali |
| Cassie,
It is hard having disfunctional parents, we have an expectation of what 'parents' should be and it is hard when they fail to meet that expectation. I have seen that counseling has been mentioned in some of the previous posts. I totally see that as an excellent option. There are some really good feminist counsellors out there. If I were you I would find a counsellor for myself and work thru your issues that you have with your parents. Unfortunately our relationships with our parents set the foundation for our lives and even if we don't admit to it that foundation comes out in our relationships with others and most importantly with ourselves. If these were not you parents would you keep going back and trying to have a relationship with them? Most likely not. So maybe take a break from them and let them know you are going to take a break from your relationship with them while you re-evaluate the relationship's roll in your life. And if you want to continue or change that relationship. Ultimately it is your call on what you do. Take your time and decide what is best for you. |
Thank you all so much for your support. It really means a lot and has helped me enormously. I have had further talks with my parents and things are progressing. I have made it very clear I will no longer tolerate this behaviour. They seem to have listened, but time will tell. I am making my own personal progress and making decisions on how I will react in the future. If this means breaking contact, then so be it. For now, I am giving them a chance to adjust to the new me. I am expecting them to test me. I am expecting to make my own mistakes, but I'm keeping a close check on myself. I realised it's up to me how I react to them, and my reaction can make or break my health. I am in control of my own future  |
| Good for you Cassie.
I hope it works out! Be strong |
| I'm glad you spoke up and for now ...given them a chance to change. My mom an I fight ALL the time to degrees I've definitely felt like you, but I also feel/know she's my mom, so can't imagine her not in my life ....I hope it all works out for you and they can respect you as an adult. |
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