Educational emails over the past year!
emails over past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. I no longer open public bathroom door without using paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about bacteria on lemon peel. I can't use remote in hotel room because I don't know what last person was doing while flipping through adult movie channels. I can't sit down on hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I have trouble shaking hands with someone that has been driving because number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking number one spot). Eating little snack sends me on guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed. I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on floor of public bathroom. I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me one about poop in glue on envelopes because I now have to use wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub top of every can I open for same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in hospital for 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOLare sending me for participating in their special email program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like water buffalo on hot day. THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward email to seven of my friends and make wish within five minutes. BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch car so serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since people who make these products are atheists that refuse to put Under God on their cans. I no longer use Saran Wrap in microwave because it causes cancer. AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil cup of water in microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life. I no longer check coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or Salvation Army. I no longer answer phone because someone will ask me to dial number for which I will get phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because big brown African spider is lurking under seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in parking lot because it probably was placed there by sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies! I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off. If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in next 70 minutes, large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother in law's second husband's cousin's beautician. Oh, by the way..... German scientist from Argentina, after lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their email with their hand on mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. |
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| Ha, ha, ha, ROFL.
And Duh had my hand on the mouse for efficient scrolling down. Drat am mentally deficient. Husband says he always new that!! 
I will be sending that to lots of friends. Thanks for a good laugh over my coffee.  |
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