Ending a friendship
We keep our horses at the same barn, so it's not just a matter of never talking to her again--we still have to see each other. I can minimize the amount of time we are at the barn together but I can't eliminate it. I've never consciously ended a friendship. It's not like breaking up with your steady--I just can't say "hey, it's over." It bothers me that I have to do this, but I have to. For my sake. (Did that make any sense????) Any pearls of wisdom??????? |
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| Paula,
I feel for you. I have not had to do this, but I have known people who have. Some have been very direct about it. But I'm the first to admit, that I'm not very good at that. I guess I always rely on "actions speak louder than words" because I struggle with being direct sometimes. Whatever you do, and how you do it... I wish you strength and luck... Natalie |
| Could you just act coolly toward her when you see her? Not mean or anything, but like you would if you were just acquaintances. Kind of give her subtle hints that you don't want to be as friendly as you once were? If she picks up on the coolness, she may ask you why, and that would give you the open door to start the conversation. |
| I think you have to tell her. Is there a reason why you don't just want to sit down and talk with her and let her know that you feel like you can't be friends with her anymore? Sometimes it is like breaking up with a boyfriend, except harder. It's tough to just tell a friend that you don't want to see them anymore. Sometimes though, some people can make your life so stressful and make you so uncomfortable with their drama, you have to break loose from them. |
| Not easy Paula but if you feel this needs to be ended, then be honest, open and let the person know.
Hard but sometimes being up front with someone rather then just stringing them along is easier in the long term, it might be a short hurt for them at the time but better then saying nothing if you feel this friendship is no longer viable. 
I've done it, I think a lot of us has been through falling outs with long term friends, but better to be up front then just fading out of the friendship.
Breaking up with Boyfriends was way so much easier then friends  |
| I agree with Lisa on this one, honesty is the best policy, as hard as you may find it, be open and also try putting the boot on the other foot, that often helps. Once you have confronted this, you'll feel better, the pressure will have lifted, or it could lead to sleepless nights, wondering when you may bump into each other, and thats not good. Also this person may be feeling how you feel and may also be releived after your talk.
Good luck xxxxx |
| I guess I am an "avoider". Telling her you don't want to be friends will hurt her feelings. I'd take the course of backing gracefully out of the relationship, being busy if she wants to socialize, making it gently clear that you are headed in a different direction.
Unless there are specific transgressions in her behavior that need addressing I would back off and let nature take it's course. If she is not the sort of person that can "take a hint" you might then need to be more assertive. I have a very dear friend of 30 years, we have gone through marriage, divorce, death of loved ones, raising teenagers etc etc together. I love her like a sister and we used to talk on the phone almost daily. In the last few years she remarried into a "higher" social group and started to exclude me from her plans (unless she needed something from me). I still think the world of her and call every few months but I took the hint that I no longer fit into her social circle and gracefully backed out. I was hurt, and upset by her change of values but I realize that life and circumstances change. Our friendship has cooled but it wasn't necessary to have a confrontation or scene. Someday we may drift back together again and it will be all that much easier because our parting was non confrontational. |
| I'm sorry, Paula. It's never easy ending a friendship. I guess my advice would depend on what sort of current relationship you have now. When you say you want to take it down to acquaintance, what do you do 'as friends'? Do you go out a lot and visit with each other a lot? Or just a lot of phone conversations, or both? If it is mostly a phone thing, then I think you can sort of let it go without an explanation.
But if you guys actually go out often, then I think some sort of explanation is needed, especially since you will see her at the barn. You don't necessarily have to tell her the whole truth of the matter, but I think if I had a friend that I hung out with a lot for 15 years and all of a sudden I was ditched for no reason (that I could see), I think I would be more upset with trying to guess what I did wrong than if I knew that we had grown apart or whatever. |
I agree with Tasker's mom. I can't imagine being honest with her, and things going well and her accepting it, and THEN seeing her regularly at the barn. That would be awkward and we'd both not know what to do, so would completely ignore one another. I'd rather just slowly back out and avoid. Say hello and put my head down as I walk by and go about my business. Or I say hi, with that charming "how's it going. your horse is looking good today" as I continue to chat and walk towards my area saying how busy I am (insinuating there's no time to chat). They eventually get it. Honesty in the past has always been worse for me.  Turns out a lot worse than I intended. Who likes being honest anyway. j/k |
| I'm with Tasker's Mom and Mrs J a slow seperation and eventually she will figure out that the relationship is over. So much for truthfullness. |
| I would treat her the way I would want her to treat me if the situation was reversed. Nothing less. |
rdf wrote: I would treat her the way I would want her to treat me if the situation was reversed. Nothing less.
good advice. |
| To me, it would be a kindness to tell her. I realize not everybody is as willing to be so direct, but I think it's better to say rather than to leave her wondering what she did wrong or if she's imagining things. |
| ^^
That is definitely the "right" thing to do. I admire people who can do it. I have a hard time doing things w/o thinking two steps ahead, and securing all possible outcomes. From my experience, honesty in this scenario from a decent friend will mean she will apologize for whatever it is she's done ...or apologize and try to correct ....or defend herself, and the two of you may debate it out but it ends in an apology and making up Problem: People I tttttttry to get rid of are people I want to get rid of.  What if we make up and she assumes we can still "talk."  I guess that's good if it WAS just one thing that happened, and Paula was willing to look past it and continue the friendship. I hate telling the truth to what "I'd" do in this scenario because it isn't the "right" thing, but man.... things sure don't end up how they do on tv shows when I'm honest.
With that said, I do love rdf's advice. |
| I'm with Tasker's Mom on this one. I've been through it, and reading a little between the lines, it sounds as if the friend shouldn't be surprised at the direction Paula wants to go. In my case, we were in different cities, so it was easier to just stop the communication altogether once I reached the breaking point. And she had to know she had crossed the line one time too many. We were very close friends at one time, but there was so much baggage and drama I've never really regretted the decision. |
I just broke off a friendship (one sided... me doing all the work) of 20 years.... I am feeling liberated.  I didn't realize how much she drug me down with all of her drama all these years, til it ended.
We had a falling out ( She was using drugs and hanging with the wrong crowd, then married a convicted felon  who is also a drug user), but she kept calling me to tell me about stuff just to get attention. It was rather pathetic. I finally told her that it was over and not to call me, I didnt need her drama, i have enough of my own.
I guess it's a lot easier for me since she is in NJ and I am on the West Coast. That's a lot of distance. But I did feel better once I cut it off. Her calls were really starting to annoy me. |
| Well, I got my answer. I decided I didn't want to totally end the friendship, just move it to acquaintance status. Several weeks ago we had talked about going shopping this coming weekend. I e-mailed her today asking if she was still interested, and her response was "I don't think it's a good idea. Plus I've spent money on my car lately." That was her total response.
So it looks like the friendship is absolutely over. I will still say hello to her when I see her at the barn, but that's about as far as it will go. I feel bad because we've had a long friendship but neither of us seems willing to do what is needed to fix it. |
| At least it is mutual. That is always better. |
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