I am so ashamed...
I was so shocked, and so stunned at her response to us coming, I just let all of the emotions come rolling out. We are worn out from caring for John's Dad and Step-Mom , Grandma just died, I am having MS issues, and I was a downright B*TCH today. Not an excuse by any means. I am so ashamed for the things I said. So ashamed. I am not this kind of person, and I have not stopped crying since I let her have it. However, I can't bring myself to pick up the phone and apologize. I love John. He is a wonderful son that does not deserve this. Above all-- I am ashamed because my focus should be on his brother, that is having surgery. Add selfish to the list too. My heart is so heavy, and we are just weary. |
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| That's not fair. Don't beat yourself up over it.
It's fine for you to get upset, too and maybe some of those things needed to be said. From your posts, you sound like a very nice and conscientious person but that doesn't mean that you can't have your own feelings sometimes, too. It sounds like you do everything you can for harmony in your family and it can be frustrating to be shot down when you just want to be there for your family. I'm upset for you that you have to go through that when your intentions are clearly good. |
| Remorse is a good first step, but you know you will have to apologize. Keep it short but sincere. Just say what you said in the post:
Quote: We are worn out from caring for John's Dad and Step-Mom , Grandma just died, I am having MS issues, and I was a downright B*TCH today. Not an excuse by any means. I am so ashamed for the things I said. So ashamed. I am not this kind of person, and I have not stopped crying... Above all-- I am ashamed because my focus should be on his brother, that is having surgery. Add selfish to the list too. My heart is so heavy, and we are just weary. |
| I've been dealing with someone all day today concerning family. If not for one person, all would be fine, but................. Just that one person had riled up, and/or hurt eight people - ALL DAY!!! What a waste!!!
Apologize for the way you reacted, but if you meant what you said, tell her that. Don't try to cover your emotions. Maybe in anger you said things you wanted to say long ago, but now that it's out in the open, don't apologize for your feelings, just apologize for being angry at the time and handling things that way. Then, try to resolve it through love, BUT you're not the only one involved, so don't take full responsibility.  Why can't families just get along!!! I'll never understand parents treating their children different, to the point of hurting them.! I''m sorry you're going through this crap!
At least you're "the bigger and better" person in all of this!!! |
No advice, only you know what you should do but I'm sorry to hear of your troubles, you sound like such a caring person,  |
| I agree with what Jill said.
I feel it's much better to let people know how you feel. If something bothers you, say something. Don't let it fester and get the best of you. You may not have liked the way it came out ... but it did, and that is a good thing. You have been under a tremendous amount of stress. I hope things start looking up soon. |
| I can relate to how you are feeling. I have had similiar issues long ago with my mother in law and spent years trying to hide true feelings and pent up frustrations. My husband and I expended a lot of energy tryiung to 'do what's right' and always being the 'bigger person' and letting things go.... etc etc, when it came to his brothers/sister. It was taxing on him AND me.
Then once I did exactly what you did and completely blew up (didn't help we were having our own issues with kids/job/house) at the same time and I just lost it. When I was able I apologized to her a lot. I also didn't take all the blame for the issues. We agreed that some things needed to change in the family and she finally understood my side. After lots of talking, crying and stuff she said to me "Why didn't you just tell me this a long time ago?" Things were fantastic after that. Not that there weren't issues or problems... just the dynamics had changed and everything was much much better to handle all the way around. She and I truely enjoyed each other all the time after that. I stress to anyone to NOT WAIT to try and get things worked out. After all that we went thru and finally got things better -- My mother-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer less than 2 years later and passed away after battling hard with it. I nearly lost it watching her deteriorate. I lost a great friend. I miss her to this day and think that I should have "Blown Up" years earlier than what I did because the outcome honestly made things better for all of us. Stick to your guns. Follow your feelings and things will turn out alright. |
| I am pretty new to the board, and haven't followed your story with your inlaws, but I've had issues with mine from day one so I feel your pain.
Right now say nothing more about this, and if you want to be at the hospital by all means do so. It's important. In time apologize for the timing of your outburst. But not the content. Chances are these were things that needed to be said and sometimes some people cannot hear them until you lose it. Sad but true... Don't beat yourself up. Inlaws can be a real nightmare. I've been there. If you were pushed this far remember someone chose to do the pushing. Good luck to all. Tracie, Portage, and (evil) Hudson |
| Anyone who has provided long term care for a loved one knows that emotions can run sky high... dealing daily with the stress, uncertainty, exhaustion, sadness, being pulled in too many directions, other responsibilities, etc. Add to it other family members unable or unwilling to help and it's a situation that's bound to spill over.
I'd sit down with your mother-in-law and apologize for what you said. Be done with it if it's causing you heartache. If nothing else, you have attempted to clear the air. If you want to be there for your brother-in-law, by all means do it. Sometimes you only get one chance to do it right. Everyone needs to make compromises in tough situations like this. If you need to bring someone in to assist with care, do it sooner rather than later. You have your own emotional and physical health to consider too. I'm speaking from experience. My dad, husband and I cared for my mom at home until she passed away- her almost 7 year remission had ended and she had terminal lung cancer. About 9 months after my mom's passing, my dad's lungs would no longer support him. He was hospitalized so my husband and I rotated shifts and stayed with him 24/7- maybe 2 weeks from the time they told me there was nothing more they could do. We had absolutely no help from other family members... one was dealing with an unfaithful spouse and the other with a 4 year old diagnosed with terminal leukemia the month before my mom passed away. We requested home healthcare maybe the last two weeks for my mom. You'll look back and wish you had done things differently but will have to come to the understanding that in your exhausted state of mind, it just wasn't possible. Hugs to you during this difficult time. |
| First take a deep breath and calm yourself a bit, you can't deal with any crisis in an emotional state and it isn't good for your MS.
Second, find out if John's BROTHER wants you there. It should be 100% his call and no one elses. Some folks want family waiting, others don't. I am the sort of person that only wants Doug with me when I am having surgery, the others can come the next day or see me at home. Other people want the whole fam damily there. So find out what he wants. Third, at some point apologize to your SMIL for losing your cool. I would not apologize for your feelings, they are yours and you are entitled to them but it may be appropriate to apologize for the way you expressed them. And finally, know that in this day and age bypass surgery is tremendously succesful and the odds of a good out come are tremendously high. It is always scarey when someone you love has surgery but try to be positive; it's a good thing. His heart will be better than ever  (Take it as gospel from a Cardiac Nurse). |
| I am replying anonymously on purpose. If you think you know who this is, please don't say.
My family was torn apart by my father trying to keep the peace with everybody! He is the kind of guy who never wants to say anything bad about anyone, and always wants to "let people down" easily. I live fairly close to my dad and my sister lives a few hundred miles away. My sister wanted him to move closer to her and he didn't want to move there but said "I'll have to check with your brother." He was telling me that there's no way he's moving there. She thought I was unduly controlling his life. He told my sister that she could have an item of her mother's, then didn't say anything on a conference call when I asked my sister to ship the same item to me. She didn't object, but I could tell there was something wrong. So there starts the feud between my sister and me. Over a long period she kept being "passive aggressive" with clipped answers and replies similar to "Oh, nothing." when I asked her what was wrong. this went on for what seemed like forever. The final straw for me came when at a family gathering I went up to her to say "hi" and she literally turned her shoulder to me. So I refused to talk to her as well, and made this abundantly clear to my father and anyone else who would listen, that she had broken the camel's back. Another event happened at another family get-together, and she wrote an email saying she was upset about the event. I wrote a loooong reply outlining everything that I knew, my anger and not understanding why she was behaving this way, and that's when I found out the cause. Long story short, it was all a misunderstanding caused by my father not saying "I have already promised that to your sister" and "I have no interest at all in moving here". It was "fixed" by my sister's email saying she was hurt and my lengthy reply, but things are not the same between my sister and me, and likely never will be again. I don't know if she wants a closer relationship or not, but I guess I still haven't completely forgiven her for escalating and then maintaining a feud, sacrificing our relationship over a couple of relatively minor slights. The moral of the story is: "Communication." It doesn't have to be a phone call or personal meeting at first. Write it out, put it in a letter or an email, just clear the air. Copy all parties to the problem so there's no "going behind backs" nor any third-party mis-interpretations. Repeatedly say that you want a good relationship and that you are sad about the state of things and want to improve them. Take blame specifically for anything you may have done to cause the problems in the first place in addition to losing your temper. Take blame for and apologize for things that could be your fault in other people's eyes. Good luck. |
6Girls wrote: Anyone who has provided long term care for a loved one knows that emotions can run sky high... dealing daily with the stress, uncertainty, exhaustion, sadness, being pulled in too many directions, other responsibilities, etc. Add to it other family members unable or unwilling to help and it's a situation that's bound to spill over.
Couldn't agree more! The only thing I can say to you is that I know how you feel, have done pretty much the same thing a couple of weeks ago. Communication is very important even when it's hard to do it. |
| While I agree that communication is usually key in most situations things here are a bit different. I think the dynamics of your relationship with your SMIL have proven that communication is not always possible and given the immediacy (sp??) of the situation, surgery is TODAY, you need to take look at the needs of others and worry about communicate with her LATER.
Given her responses in the past I would do what is best for your BIL, and your husband and deal with her later. Good Luck and best wishes for a fast surgery and healing. |
| Thanks everyone for your insight and suggestions.
My BIL's surgery was postponed until this morning. Something about a tube that needed to be inserted prior to surgery... I called my Mother-In - Law. The conversation was pretty much one sided. I tried to apologize for the timing of my outburst. I didn't really get a chance. She told me right up front that the reason she was on John's sisters "side" was because she had never really gotten over the fact that John chose to live with his Dad after the divorce. He was 12. She was running around with her boyfriend in the evenings and John was at home alone. His sister had married by that time, and the others were older. He was getting his own meals... doing his own homework... ( I can hardly write that-- to this day, I choke up thinking about it) Anyway-- the only thing I said was ' I am so sorry that you feel that way after all of these years" "John forgave you for your mistakes, too bad you can't love him, more than you hate his Dad. And then I hung up. John said to give it up. He wants me to stop trying to "fix" this mess. He said all of this hate was about to get the best of him, and he just needed to step out of it, and I need to respect that he needs me to step out of it too. This is all so foreign to me. I guess when you come from a close family-- it is hard to relate. After 31 years you would think I could just accept that they are disfunctional. Again, my thanks to all of you. Ginny-- your last post makes me feel that all will be well with the surgery! John's Dad is to call us when he hears anything today. Our prayers are for John's brothers health and recovery. One thing I have realized it that my own family is very very special. If I give up trying to fix John's family, I can enjoy mine all the more!  |
| OOps, reading this post I realized I got your cast of characters confused. I was thinking Step MIL, not MIL. I never was very good at following sagas!!
At any rate, I agree whole heartedly with John, it's time to stop trying to fix the mess. Accept it for what it is and move on. In the mean time, BEST OF LUCK and keep us posted on how your BIL makes out!!!! |
| Families are usually complicated messes. Mine is. And during times of extreme stress, a lot of stuff is blown up way out of proportion, mis-stated, mistaken, misunderstood all around. I think we should all just decide we have to forgive things that are said at hospital bedsides, at funerals, and during the events leading up to those things.
Since this is primarily John's immediate family, I think you must defer to John's wishes about how to deal with them, when to be there, when to not be there, etc. Good that you apologized. If John hadn't nixed it, I would have said that of course, you should be at the hospital for the surgery, if possible. Hospitals are large places. You don't all have to be in the same room if you don't want to. Hey, my sisters and I shared our father's hospital room as he lay dying with his wife (nice enough lady, with plenty of faults) and her two low class white trash narcissic daughters (not nice, either one of them) without a problem. Despite the horrid, low class inappropriate way the younger daughter behaved at OUR mother's funeral just 9 weeks earlier (why she was there, no one has ever explained. But she was horrid.) Sure, we just wanted them to all leave but no matter how much we disliked the situation, they were part of Dad's family, too. |
| Update!
John's brother came through the operation just fine. They had a bit of a problem removing the vein they needed from his leg, and overall, he was in surgery for 9 hours. There was a leak to fix as well as the bypass. I called and asked him if he would mind me stopping in today on my lunch hour. He said 'better not" ---Mom's here. I put a card in the mail, to let him know we are thinking of him. |
| Glad things went well!
You may find a visit after he gets home is more appreciated anyway!! Those first days after surgery are kind of a blurr!! |
| It's all about his recovery and that was so kind of you to ask so he could avoid the stress. I have MIL issues too, sometime I will have to tell you what kind of sweetie my MIL is and has been to me and her son. So know you are not alone in this, there are some real hum dingers to contend with.
I have to agree with Taskers mom, when he gets home, some meals that are delicious and heart healthy, lend an ear to when he wants to unload about his health, just prove that he is number one right now and that will be enough for him and for you. L |
| TylersMom, I had to laugh wne I read your post.......maybe we should start an new thread entitled My MIL is so bad..........
My MIL is such a sweet person she calls me by the ex wifes name ALL THE TIME, not sure she knows my real name (and the divorce was over 19 years ago)  |
| My MIL hugged me one day early on in my marriage to Lee and said with shock, "Oh, you are fat aren't you?" What gave you your first clue you knuckle head? I think I replied something like, "What, you never noticed before?" and in my head, I said, what a piece of work you are babe.
Oh I would bet that the new thread would be very well read, and added to. Good Idea, maybe we should start one... I do wonder if your MIL does know you name, it would be funny to find out, cause 19 years is a long time to be calling your by your husbands formers name... too funny. Mine treats my husbands ex like a daughter, at my FIL's funeral, my sister inlaw introduced my husbands ex to her SIL's with me standing a mere 4 feet away and never thought to introduce me... insult, who cares, I take it for what it's worth. L |
| Glad the surgery was a success! Please try not to stress about the blow up too much. It is awful when these things happen, but in the grand scheme of things, not as important as your BIL recovering from his surgery. |
Abuckie wrote: John said to give it up. He wants me to stop trying to "fix" this mess. He said all of this hate was about to get the best of him, and he just needed to step out of it, and I need to respect that he needs me to step out of it too.
Lori, I'm glad that John has made this decision for you. My family is also very different from my husband's family and I had to reach a similar point. You can focus on your relationship with John and your family. If you are happy, it will take a lot of stress off of John. |
Tasker's Mom wrote: My MIL is such a sweet person she calls me by the ex wifes name ALL THE TIME, not sure she knows my real name (and the divorce was over 19 years ago)
Me too! When I'm being kind I attribute it to the fact that her memory is going. But she can learn the name of a new nurse's aide in 2 or 3 days, and after 5 years I am still "Mary", if she refers to me by name at all. One day my step sons heard he call me by their mother's name. They were horrified! Of course, I'm used to it so I just answered her because I knew who she meant.  Some battles aren't worth fighting. |
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