I need friends... :(

Here I go... once again. :oops:

I wear my emotions on my sleeve, whether it be face to face, or in writing. With that said, I hold back nothing when posting here. So....
many of you are aware of our family woes.

To refresh -- John's family is nuts. His sister has stopped speaking to her Dad because she thinks John is the favorite.

Their Mother- who has been divorced from his Dad for 40 years still eggs on the nonsense -- blah- blah- blah. There are three other brothers. One is in poor health ( more on this later) one is unreliable, and the third doesn't speak to his Dad either. This brother is mad because after 15 years, his Dad asked for a repayment of a loan.

We have been dealing with the split now for 2 years. It all came to a head on John's 50th BD.

Ok--so-- John's Dad's health is failing, has been, and is getting worse. We have tried to be there as much as we can, and, always take care of the yardwork etc. His step Mom has been increasingly resentful of being a caregiver--- however- neither of them adapt well to outside help. After John's Dad last stay in the hospital, we had mobile meals delivered, a person to help bathe - to clean etc.

Step- Mom hated people in and out of the house, so, that quickly ended. She said she could do it on her own. We questioned that-- but-- they insisted. So-- I have taken meals, and done most of the cleaning as I can.

They live 45 minutes away, however, I can stop after work, which is on my way home. I do this at least 4 out of 5 days. They bicker all the time, the house is dark, and they turn on two TV;s-- in the SAME room. Each watches their own "shows" .

Well, Step- Mom has been having back problems and seeing a chiropractor. Long story short-- she had a crushed disc and has had surgery. This happened Tuesday. It was outpatient surgery. A cement was injected into the disc, and, according to the doctors, she should be as good as new. Obviously, we need to talk about long term needs.

John has been staying each night since the surgery. He is worn out, after a short time. The couch is the only place to sleep. John's Dad sleeps in his lift chair. which is right by the couch. Up and down he goes - all night. He doesn't leave the chair, he just rides up and down... up and down. Marge ( stepmom) is in the bedroom, which is upstairs. The house is not equipted for taking care of special needs. The only bathroom is upstairs. John' Dad's potty chair is downstairs. By now you are probobly getting the picture of what we are dealing with. :cry:

We told them that it is time (past time) to call a family meeting and talk about long term solutions. Marge has two sons. They are both very helpful, but have jobs and commitments as well. John's brother that is in poor health manages to go on vaction to Myrtly Beach, drive hither and yon... but isn't able to help at his Dad's. :roll:

Pretty much, it lies on John and I, and Step Mom's youngest son. We feel quilty that Marge's son's have to help with Jim's care, but there isn't enough of John and I to go around.

We are all meeting tomorrow. The expectation of the parents is that we will each take a night and stay. No outside help is desired, nor will be paid for. That has been stated. Kids take care of their parents.

What to do? We feel love, guilt, sympathy, kindness, mad, sad, all at one time. Only three of us can / will stay. John and I are two of those three. This will be ongoing.

We are hopeful that we can reason with them, and work out the best care possible. In reality, assisted living is the best choice, but it will not be received kindly. It is never easy to hear it is time to leave your home. :cry:

Just writing of the situation helps me. I apologize for the long post. I know many of you out there are facing, or have dealt with long term care for aged parents. Mine are younger and healthy. My heart crumbles when I think about our parents and what they mean to us. I wish we could all stay young and vibrant--- forever. Such is life, and we need to stay strong and focused as we deal with this situation tomorrow.

Thank you for listening. You are the best.

Respond to this topic here on forum.oes.org

Here in the forum you will always find an open ear or three, personally I think you are both magnificent but really your own needs come first regarding health, hope the family start to realise what you are doing and help you to cope with all the work you have taken on or rather been given.

As if the post wasn't long enough.. I forgot to mention that John and I work full time-- and have 25 acres that we mow / take care of. Plus of course-- our dear Max.

I guess I am in the "poor pity me" mode. :oops:

My mum has cared for her parents now for many years,
She finds it even harder now since we lost nan last year age 90
She is the only one who goes to the house now as my granpop is nans 2nd husband, and her sibblings just say "he's not my dad" even though
thay were married for over 50years, they even live much closer than mum :roll:

All i can say to you is the same as i say to mum,
"please make sure YOU keep healthy and happy,or you will be no good to anyone"
Good luck and i hope it all works out for you... :ghug:

Lori,

I would agree with you. Assisted living is probably the right option. That being said, convincing them is probably the hardest job.

Our thoughts are with you while you deal with these difficult times. :ghug:

It does not sound like a pretty situation at all.

Husband's sister and her husband were in this situation minus a lot of the "Bickersons" attitude. Finally the son and daughter laid down the law, "this is the way it will be" and got them into first a senior apartment, then assisted living and finally a nursing home. "We don't care about our inheritance or the grandchildrens', first is your care" was the constant argument, "but it will take the grandchildren's inheritance." And it has. One is gone now and the other isn't at all well. But the children wore themselves out trying to do what you and your husband are doing. I hope you find help, a solution or grow even more kindness and understanding.

I congratulate you for the care you are showing, it isn't easy. Please feel free to dump here.

1st step: Lease your field out to a hayer.

Ron wrote:

1st step: Lease your field out to a hayer.

Funny-- we planted 10 acres of it in hay. Just got done baling last week. I do not like being "farmers".

Thank God for my Dad and my brothers and nephew who helped us get it mowed, raked, and baled.

I wish you had given the advice to lease it before we bought all of this darn "equiptment" :lol:

Lease the equipment out along with the field. You'll be earning money for "doing nothing." The investment (good or bad) has already been made.

I really feel for you and your hubby, it is very hard when we old folks won't hear good advice.

Best of luck in what is ahead and the care you are showing and giving

My prayers go out to you. Its so difficult when siblings can't or won't help. Do take good care of yourself and your husband.

Lori,

This is a tough situation that you are facing right now. As a caregiver to my parents for the last 3 years (dad died two and a half months ago)...I know first hand what you are going through. My mom is 88 and dad was 88. Before I took on this job...I had a great job with the school district. I thought long and hard before I made the switch...but my parents health was getting so bad that I knew "someone" had to step in and make this thier job...they just couldn't be alone 24/7 with no help. I knew this is what I wanted to do for my parents. I sat down with my mom and dad to see how they felt about me coming in to help them. At first...they felt that they were being a burden. I also told them that I was in no way going to take thier independence away. I know though that this was huge concern for them...and rightly so. I told them that this is "their" home...and that I will be working for them to try and make their life as comfortable and stress free as I can. They were alright with it then. Did we hit some bumpy roads some days....you betcha. It was very important for them to know that they still had a say so about certain things. Some things they were very greatful to "not" have to deal with like paying the bills ect. (But....this IS NOT a job that everyone can do)...and I don't mean that in a bad way...I just mean that it takes a certain person to be able to caregive day in and day out. Luckily...I inherited a ton of patience from my mom :wink:

. My dad's wish...along with my mom, was to never have to go to a nursing home....ever. Well.....dad got his wish and died at home. Hopefully, my mom will get her wish as well. I know though that sometimes in life, we simply do not have control over what happens.

One thing my brothers and sisters came up with is a meal calender. Fortunatly, I have 9 brothers and sisters.....and out of the 9...there are 2 that choose not to contribute..(long story

). Anyway...everyone is put on the calender to bring in a meal when it is their scheduled day. I can't tell you how much this has helped me out. Just having somone prepare the meal after I have been there all day....is a life saver. On top of that...my sis-in-law and one of my sister's has lightened my load by taking on 3 days between the two of them. One brother and another one of my sister's spends the night with mom. Whenever someone needs a night or two off...the rest of us pitch in.

Just so I don't continue to babble.. :roll:

...I just want to say what somone else on here mentioned....and I cannot stress this enough..(PLEASE TAKE TIME TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF)!! I know as cargivers...we tend to take care of others...and leave what tiny bit of energy we have at the end of the day for us....and let me tell you....that's not much. After two and half years taking care of my parents....and my own health starting to go downhill....I called a family meeting and told my siblings that I simply cannot continue to work as many hours as I have been....and that I NEED to start taking care of MYSELF for a change. My family is a wonderful support group and jumped right in to take some of the slack. Even tho it was very hard....I finally am putting "ME" first". I walk 3 miles and ride two more miles on my bike every single morning as soon as the sun comes up. I can't tell you what it has done for me. Not only do I physically feel better....my attitude has improved a ton....I mean I don't feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, so to speak. I informed my family that this time is spent on "me" and nobody else.

I know my situation is a little different than yours and that you don't have as many family members available to step in and help you out. I just want you to know you are not alone.....and you can come here to vent any time you want......lord knows I have had my days!! :wink:

Other than being a mom.....this has been the hardest job I have ever had....and the most rewarding.

Don't feel one bit guilty about the feelings you have...anger..sad..mad.. ect....you are only human!

Good luck on your family meeting tomorrow!!

T.

tdelanoit wrote:

What a wonderful person you are. I applaude you and the love and care you have given your parents. :ghug:

The meal schedule seems like something we could make work for us. Cooking seems to bring problems, as does the laundry. One thing I want to stress tomorrow, is that with help, they may be able to resume some "fun" activities. They love to play cards with their freinds, but, Marge is worn out and embarrased by the state of the house. I have worked today drawing up suggestions and ways to change the rooms around to try to hide the potty chair and such. If they insist on staying in the house, new drapes and wall hangings may help brighten the day. (?)

I want them to live the best life they can now. However we make it work, I want them to BOTH know they can trust us to do the best we can.

Abuckie wrote:

Cooking seems to bring problems, as does the laundry.

Just a suggestion......how about if whoever brings dinner (if the meal calender idea works out)..also puts in load of laundry?

Quote:

No outside help is desired, nor will be paid for. That has been stated. Kids take care of their parents.

Well, the 'kids' are adults with adult lives and responsiblities, and not mere extensions of their parents. Sometimes the best (and only) way to take care of parents is to insist on outside (paid for) help and/or a change in living situation.

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There is no more difficult situation than dealing with aging parents.

I just returned from a visit with my 86 yo Dad who lives 900 miles away, alone. He should have gone to assisted living years ago and now I suspect he should actually be in a nursing home. But he refuses.

For the last few years every time I go I would make arrangements for someone to come in and clean and cook and make arrangements for a visiting nurse to help my Dad with meds etc. EVERY TIME I would barely be out of the state and he would cancel all arrangements.

I have finally accepted the fact that he is going to do things "his way". My Dad has asked many times for Doug and I to move down there and care for him. It has been very difficult to say no but my life is here; my job, my friends, all the things I "do". I have offerred to let him come live with me but he won't do that.

I think it is unfair of parents to "expect" their children to care for them. You do what you can, when you can but it should not be required.

If your parents need help that you are unable to provide, and only you know what the limitations of you and your family are, then they MUST accept outside help. Sometimes you just have to join forces and take a stand.

Good Luck, I know how heart breakinging the situation can be.

Thank you. Reading the comments and stories of those that know how hard it is does really help. Almost theraputic.

I have already received a call this morning letting me know that the expectation still holds-- the "kids" will be the "help". I simply said we will discuss later today a plan that works for all of us. <sigh>

For whatever reason, John's step-mom feels she can take liberty's with giving me the devil. She will pratically SCREAM at me. Then- when I get off the phone crying, and John calls back to try to calm things down, she is nice as pie. This happens ALL the time. Why do you suppose this is?

I wish I was a drinker.... I would take a swig today. :lol:

Abuckie wrote:

For whatever reason, John's step-mom feels she can take liberty's with giving me the devil. She will pratically SCREAM at me. Then- when I get off the phone crying, and John calls back to try to calm things down, she is nice as pie. This happens ALL the time. Why do you suppose this is?

I wish I was a drinker.... I would take a swig today. :lol:

Let me ask you this: When she treats you poorly...how do you respond to her? The reason I ask this is because on occassion, my mom will decide to get REALLY stubborn and sometimes she doesn't talk too nice to me either....or her favorite is to just not respond when I ask her something (sigh). Yes....she is hard of hearing but has even admitted that she is ignoring me. :roll:

It took me a while to speak up and tell her that I am there to help her and I won't be treated badly....just as I know she would not want to be treated badly by me. We don't have hardly any of those days anymore. It's hard...but you have to try and nip that in the bud from the get go. Maybe John (if he hasn't already) may have to have a talk with her as well and let her know that he too will not allow her to treat you this way. Like Dr. Phil always says..."You teach people how to treat you". It's so true.....

Hi,

I've haven't gone through this yet, but, re-reading your first post , I think, deep in your heart already know the answers.

Sometimes, people push us into making decisions we are not comfortable with as I think what happened in your situation. You're a good person with a wonderful heart and so you've along with your spouse have primarily looked after them. I think having a family meeting is the best thing - not only for yourselves, the parents but also the other siblings.

Please take care of yourself Lori. I'll be thinking of you. You are amongst friends and we're all here for you.
:ghug:

Marianne
Marianne

Abuckie wrote:

FIRST AND FOREMOST, John needs to deal with that situation BEFORE you lift one more finger to help. Not only is she not your mother she isn't John's mother but his step mother. NO ONE has the right to treat you like that and it is his responsibility to protect you from that behavior.

I would make it very clear that you will not bring so much as a can of soup to somoene who treats you that way. I agree with tdelanoit, you establish how you will allow people to treat you.

We have a similar situation with Doug's mother, thank goodness she does not need help from me. But, she is very rude and unkind to me, no matter how nice I am to her. I finally just stopped going to visit her. She is Doug's mother not mine. He goes to see her and I stay home. We don't invite her to our home anymore either. Luckily she recently moved away (because her "son didn't spend enough time with her" :roll:

, for many years we had her every Sunday for dinner and stopped in to see her at least once during the week) so that has helped.

But what you describe simply should not be allowed to happen and it is John's responsibility to deal with it!

Well... the meeting has taken place, and , overall we feel pretty good about the outcome. Marge's two son's and a daughter-in-law were there, along with one of John's brothers, and, John and I.

It was awkward at first. No one knew what to say, so, me being the big mouth of group, started the conversation.

When the door was opened, everyone shared, and lots of tears were shed. According to Marge, the most stress lies in getting meals, and bathing Jim. Several months ago, we had a new shower installed , that has grab bars and such. Jim was able to ride the lift chair upstairs, at that time, and had been enjoying taking his own shower. Things have changed, and now he must be bathed downstairs.

So-- what to do. We talked about hiring someone for meals , laundry , light housework and baths. This was NOT received well at all. We batted it around for 2 hours. The thought was still for "the kids" to do anything that needed to be done. Finally, we put our foot down. They need help- we can't be there 24/7. With that said- if they didn't want to hire help, then assisted living was the only option. Hired help looked better all of a sudden.

I am going to call an agnecy tomorrow, and also check with their Pastor to see if there is anyone he knows of that is qualified. I will also be calling the local hospital for suggestions and guidance. In the course of the conversation, it dawned on John that his company provides assistance for such family matters. We will reach out to them for options as well.

We asked that they each make doctor appts, so, we can get a better understanding of TRUE limitations. I took a pie today, and, Jim was able to get to the table easily enough when it was served.

We see that they may have to be pushed a bit -- to do what they still can do for themselves.

Until we get things settled, we will take turns staying the night. After we get help, Marge feels that she won't be so worn out in the evenings, and will be able to get Jim ready for bed, and take care of his bathroom needs. He doesn't leave the living room, so getting him "ready for bed" involves turning out a light.

We stopped at the grocery, and I got enough food to make 10 meals for them. That is lunch and dinner for 5 nights. Breakfast is a poached egg, toast and a fruit. They can handle that for now.

Marge resents being a caregiver. She no longer feels like a wife. We need to help them get back to a place where they can laugh again. We are taking steps to do that.

All is not perfect. Some hurtful things were said--- seems that Marge thinks I try to take over. She would like for her daughter-in- law to be the one stepping up. We tried to stress that it isn't a competition. I guess I should have seen that coming. At the Mother and Daughter banquet, she introduced her Daughter-in- law as such, and I was introduced as "Jim's youngest's wife". :lol:

John and I will be married 32 years. His Dad and Step-Mom have been married for 42. It isn't like I'm new to the family... And her son and wife have been married 4 years. Oh well.

I addressed the way I am talked to at times. She was suprised I was offended. Said I always seem to let it roll off my back. She said I was easy to talk to, and seemed to forgive easily, and sometimes she needed to strike out . I guess I am the target. :evil:

Hummm. John told her in no uncertain terms that he didn't appreciate it. He reminded her that we respect them, and the same is expected in return. I think we will still have meltdowns, but, I will no longer tolerate it.

John's brother was very helpful in the discussion, and that was so important to his Dad. We were very happy he stepped up to the plate this time.

We have a plan.

Thanks so much for the well wishes and suggestions. It helped more than I can say. I used your words and suggestions. What a great group you are. I said in my post that I needed friends. That you are. :ghug:

GOOD JOB!

You might want to check with your Area Agency on the Aging (sometimes called by a different name), they can hook you up with additional resources.

Also, check with your Dad's Doctor, I believe if he is unable to take care of his ADL's (activities of daily living) Medicare will pay for an aide to come in and assist with bathing and personal care needs.

Marge probably uses you as her yelling post because she's overwhelmed, exhausted and because, as she said, you seem to take it so well: either she doesn't care how you feel or she feels that it is 'safe' to vent to you because you wont' hold it against her. Which doesn't make it right. Good that your hubby stood up for you. When the future meltdowns occur, try not to take it personally--which is differnet than tolerating it. You are obviously doing an enormous amount of work for your husband's family.

And good for having a successful family meeting. I know from personal experience that this is very, very difficult on every level: time/energy, emotional, financial, physical. All of it is so much harder than we realize it will be.

Hoping all goes well for you and the family

Lori, congratulations on speaking up for yourself in a constructive manner. Family issues are never easy. Just remember the good advice you've gotten so far - take care of yourself. My husband is the primary caregiver for his mom, and it takes a real toll on him. He takes care of her, and I try to take care of him :kiss:

And we will keep reminding you to take care of yourself!

Lori: I am glad the first meeting is over and everyone is on board. The role you are playing is very exhausting, I've been there. The more help you get the better off ALL of you will be. I am sure your Step Mother in Law is suffering from a form of depression. That is not an excuse for the way she treats you, but I am sure the way her life has turned out is not what she expected in her twilight years. Please do not allow her to abuse you any further in anyway....the phone does have a "hang up" button.,,,and the house has a door.

Hang in there, we are here for you. Your new Montra "take care of yourself first" you are no use to anyone if you let yourself get rundown. (ok enough nagging)

violet wrote:

I am sure your Step Mother in Law is suffering from a form of depression.

. (ok enough nagging)

Yes-- I think depression is a huge part of the problem. We encouraged her to talk to her doctor about meds - or- even talking with a professional. She has a follow-up appt today from the back surgery. I am booked solid with trainings today, so could not accompany her. Her youngest son is taking her. We made a list of questions that they should ask. Hopefully, she will get some relief soon.

Nag all ya want! You guys are the greatest. Listening to me ramble, once again about our woes. John said that you all must think we are a crazy bunch of whiners. Not all of them... only me. :lol:

When I feel down, or confused, writing helps me. And you are such a wonderful group of people to share with. Again, thank you! :ghug:

Lori, I'm just catching up on this thread from the week-end, and I can understand what you're going through. I'm so glad to hear that the family meeting went well and that you all put your foot down to them - that's 99% of the battle, in most cases.

My FIL died last fall and ever since, my MIL has relied on Dale (youngest of 2 sons) for EVERYTHING, even stupid little stuff. All of a sudden she's become a complete incompetent. Her older son has clearly stated that he won't allow himself to be "used all the time" so she just ignores him and calls us. Plus he and his wife are probably going to move south within the next year and she finds this totally unacceptable. "How can he move so far away knowing his mother is alone??" (I secretly think that a plus in his mind! :roll:

) I reminded her that most families these days don't live near each other, ours included. With one child already in VA and the younger one following within the next month, we will be totally on our own as well. What will happen to us when we're that senior? She didn't know how to answer.

I think it's the general mentality of that generation to think that the "kids" will just take care of everything for them, as many of them did for their own parents. I sometimes think they don't see their children as aging citizens themselves who may have limited capabilities of their own - they just see them as people who "have" to take care of them. They just can't grasp the idea that we actually have lives, jobs and responsibilities of our own that don't revolve around them. You did exactly what you needed to do - everyone banded together with the same mindset and just TOLD them what will happen. And I applaud you for confronting Margie about her attitude towards you, and doubly applaud John for sticking up for you.

Hang in there and stick to your guns. You're doing great!! :lol:

tgir wrote:

Quote:

No outside help is desired, nor will be paid for. That has been stated. Kids take care of their parents.

well put. we had a similar situationa and it wasn't until an EMT call that we could get my mother into a facility for someof the help she needed - and a rest for my dad.

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