Need your opinion
Doug's son is getting married in June. We have been talking abut the wedding and planning on it for the last year (I bought my dress already). This is his oldest son, they do not have a very good relationship for reasons I won't go into. We don't see much of him but looked at the wedding as an opportunity to reconnect. There have been a number of phone calls from his daughter of late about the wedding that Doug has been very closed mouth about. But I'm busy and haven't asked questions. This morning he told me that his son doesn't want ME to come to the wedding because he doesn't want to make his Mother uncomfortable. I don't know his mother, Doug and I got together long after they were split and we have never even had a conversation with each other. I am not paticularly upset, I don't know his son well and don't have a "relationship" with him. I don't see how going to the wedding would upset his mother BUT if he thinks it will I will gladly stay home. I told Doug he should go to the wedding without me. Doug doesn't want to go, he wants to tell his son either I come or he doesn't. I think that is a mistake. At this point I really don't want to go and I think that Doug will someday regret not going. Would you push him to go? |
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| Tell him to go.
It may be a big misunderstanding where the son or daughter might think that the mom would be uncomfortable or something like that and it would just make things easier for everybody. If it were me, I would definitely let the interested parties know that this was a one time thing and it's making both you and Doug uncomfortable for you to not go and it's not fair. You aren't some young, throwaway bimbo that he's toting around! You are a respectable, professional woman and Doug has every right to be proud of you with his family. OR You could find the shortest, tightest dress and wear it with the biggest hair and the brightest makeup and show up drunk to the wedding and see who's uncomfortable then.  |
| LOL I like the tight dress idea. Seriously though... it's a tricky situation, you don't want Doug to miss out on this big day, but why should you not be allowed to go? It's childish at best and down right rude at worst.
Would it be too strange to get hold of Doug's mom & go for a coffee to chat about the wedding or just to chat? That way there are no bad vibes between you two & if the son still doesn't want you at the wedding... fine. But I think in that case Doug should probably still go. Phew.. families  |
| It's his ex wife, not HIS mom. And I have never spoken to her, she lives a couple hours away. I would not, under any circumstances, contact her.
At this point I would not go even if asked (although the tight dress/drunk idea does sound appealing) I just need to decide if I should push Doug to go. If he doesn't go then his mother (grandmother of the groom) won't go either and I reqally don't want to be responsible for that. |
| First of all--if Doug's mom doesn't go because Doug doesn't go, that is in no way YOUR fault. You are being the mature one and agreeing to not attend the wedding. It's the son's fault if Doug and his grandmother don't attend (if the son really feels that his mom would be uncomfortable).
Is there a way for you to talk to Doug's son or daughter (or are there any other kids besides those 2 to talk to) to see what's really going on? To see if THEY are the ones who will be uncomfortable or if it really is the mother of the groom who'd be upset. These days with all the divorces in the world, there are SO MANY mixed groups at weddings, where mom, dad, etc. have divorced and remarried. There are ways to make it work so that no one should feel uncomfortable. I'm sorry for the drama though. Oh, and that said, I don't think you should try and talk Doug out of going. I think it'd be good for him to go... |
| I'm NOT trying to talk him out of going, I am trying to talk him IN to going. |
Tasker's Mom wrote: I reqally don't want to be responsible for that.
Ginny, You are not responsible for any of this. You have decided that you don't want to go regardless.. thats their loss, not yours. Let Doug make his own decision, he probably doesn't want to go cause he thinks it might hurt your feelings, but if you assured him that it won't then he might feel more comfortable about going. If Doug decides that he does not want to go without you, then that's his decision and you are not responsible for that. (I used the word decision alot in this response.. geessssss) |
| I think Doug's kid is just being a big baby and he's being really selfish. Granted, your wedding is probably the one day where you're allowed to be somewhat selfish but that request just sounds like some power trip move that he wants to make. I guess I could even understand it more if you had a bad relationship with the son but it doesn't make sense. After 25 years, James's mom still hates his dad like everything happened yesterday but we didn't even think twice about including the whole family. You just seat them separately at the reception and it's all good. There's no reason that someone doesn't have to come. There's no law that says you have to interact.
I'd let Doug just decide on his own. Although it obviously has a lot to do with the fact that the son isn't including you and he doesn't want to go, he's probably realizing that that says quite a bit about the kind of person his son is and that's probably the big turnoff in going to the wedding. I do like how it was never considered that Doug might be uncomfortable showing up to a wedding alone! |
ButtersStotch wrote: I do like how it was never considered that Doug might be uncomfortable showing up to a wedding alone! Absolutely!! I actually thought a good compromise might be to go tot the wedding and not the reception. I feel bad for him, not me! |
| Life is too short...relationships are special and life itself! Doug should be there to share the joy of his son as he embarks on a new life. It would be nice if you were included but if it makes the son uncomfortable it's the son's problem not yours. I lost my daughter at 19 and had a great relationship...I would give anything to have been at her wedding and shared in her adult life! Doug should go, try and make a better relationship and then there will be room for his son to get to know you. I have learned to live in the present and Doug should seize the day to be with his son...put the negative behind him. It will open doors. Again, justg opinion...what really matters is Doug and his son. Would Doug go to his funeral? The wedding is a far better day! |
Tasker's Mom wrote: This is his oldest son, they do not have a very good relationship for reasons I won't go into.
This is definitely the son's problem. Maybe the son feels like he HAS to invite his dad to the wedding but really doesn't want him there since they don't have a very good relationship, . So he's using you as the excuse, figuring his dad wouldn't come without you - which is exactly what he wants in the first place. It just seems convenient to him to use his mother as the scapegoat. I agree that Doug should go. The best that could happen is that his son realizes that his dad really does love him, even enough to come to the wedding without the love of his life. The worst that could happen is that things are no worse off than they were before. Either way, at least Doug would never second-guess himself about not going. |
| These situations are so emotional and complex. It's really hard to figure out what the right thing to do is sometimes. That said, I don't think I'd push Doug to go. If it were me, I think I'd tell him I was perfectly comfortable NOT going myself and that I thought it'd be a good idea for him to attend, explain my reasoning and leave it at that. Let him know you'll support whatever decision he makes.
Families.  |
| Have you heard the saying secrets make you sick? Keeping you away from the wedding is like that. You are obviously not a secret so why is everyone pretending you don't exist? Whether you are there or not doesnt change the fact that you and your husband are happily married and it is sad that the rest of the family can't think healthy - they would all be better for it.
I empathize with you! Just know that you are not responsible for anyone else's feelings or choices. I agree with the others. If you are happy not going, then let your husband know that he is free to make his own decision and don't look back. Regrets are a bad place to live. |
| Actually, Ginny and Doug are living in sin... |
Maxmm wrote: Tell him to go.
It may be a big misunderstanding where the son or daughter might think that the mom would be uncomfortable or something like that and it would just make things easier for everybody. If it were me, I would definitely let the interested parties know that this was a one time thing and it's making both you and Doug uncomfortable for you to not go and it's not fair. You aren't some young, throwaway bimbo that he's toting around! You are a respectable, professional woman and Doug has every right to be proud of you with his family. OR You could find the shortest, tightest dress and wear it with the biggest hair and the brightest makeup and show up drunk to the wedding and see who's uncomfortable then. What she said  |
| Doug's son is selfish and acting like a ten year old. That said I feel sorry for Doug. In one way I would be like Doug and not want to go without you. On the other hand, it IS his son's wedding and he should go. Someone said to go to the wedding service but not to the reception. I think that would be a good idea. Lets hope the people at the reception would ask where the father of the groom is and let his son explain that.
I would encourage Doug to go, let him know its ok with you, but let him make his own decision. I think he should go, at least for a little while. Ginny, I'm like you...You couldn't get me to go now! |
| Hi Ginny,
I'm going to take another position - that of the first wife. Love being the devil's advocate .
In her mind and she's probably said it vocally to her son - the thought of seeing her former husband with another woman on HER son's wedding would make it uncomfortable. Thus, the son probably thought to be protective of his mom and told Doug that he wished you not attend. It doesn't matter how long you met after they split up, doesn't matter how long you guys have been together, the ex wife doesn't want to possible risk feeling lousy on the day what she feels is special. I think that's why she doesn't want you there. It's not personal ..it would be any woman the ex would see her former spouse with. To know you is to love you Ginny and I have no doubt given the chance to meet the ex wife she would see how silly the whole thing is. Yet, human nature sometimes throws quirks our way and that may not happen. You mentioned Doug is not close to his dad. His wedding day is one day where everything that happened in the past is forgotten and just should be focused on that ONE Day. Doug's son may view his dad was there for him and perhaps the building of bridges will begin again and in the near future there may be grandchildren involved and Doug will not want to be shut out of their lives. I have a feeling that if Doug doesn't go he will miss the chance forever of meeting the future generations. While a horrible predicament. Doug's ex wife who has not seen him for probably numerous years may see him and realize whatever feelings she held in the past whether love or anger may also dissapear and she'll see how silly she was. She may also come to respect you that you had respected the family's wishes. What's the worse thing that can happen? That was the question asked of me many years ago about something I was having a dilemna with. The person asking told me to visualize the worse thing and see if I could handle it. 99% of the time we can. Doug should go! While honorable that he wants to decline because of his love for you and that is indeed wonderful to have a husband that wanted to do that. The repercussions down the line and the hurt feelings with the son will be forever broken. To his son he would have chosen you over him (no matter what the age - parents and kids always stay in that same mindset.) Not only should he go he needs to go. The possible outcome is Doug and his son re-establish communication and thus is going to help longterm with the son establishing contact with you sometime in the future. The son's wedding is not the place and unfortunately if you had met him frequently prior to the wedding I could see Doug's stance. However, in this case , tell Doug you love the fact he stood by you but he will go and escort his mom. His son can look across the church and see his dad and grandma there and he will also know (perhaps a kind note from you?) that you all respected his wish. That in it'self puts you all in a good light and that you really are all wonderful people. Everyone seems to be protecting someone here..Doug is protecting you and his son is protecting his mom and Doug's mom is protecting her son. In the end you all feel you are valid in your reasons for not attending (except you Ginny as you have no choice). I say Doug go and perhaps in the future you can invite the son and his bride over to your place or even a cafe and they'll view you in a different light. Marianne |
| Given that you have no real relationship with the son, Doug should go without you. This is a big day in his son's life and might be a good chance to reconnect with his son. If anyone ask's where you are Doug should tell the truth, " Ex-wife said she would feel uncomfortable if Current Wife were here. Current Wife is soooo understanding and encouraged me to be here for Son's and new Daughter-in-Law's big day" Then he should swiftly change the subjec to something else. "Aren't we lucky to have to have such great weather? or Didn't the bride look beautiful!
If there is not pre-assigned seating at the reception, Doug should make arrangements in advance who he will sit with so he doesn't have to look like a duck out of water. While Doug's at the wedding, go to the click flick you've wanted to see, read the book you wanted to read or go get a manicure. OR all 3! |
Marianne is right......Doug needs to go.......you don't really care and you can have them for dinner someday............we have gone though this in our household...I didn't go and that was the best thing.....my husband went with his daughter and his Mother............I was the one that looked good by not going....not the X by making a scene if I was there......about six months later we had the daughter and son and families over and all was well.........we are adults......good luck  |
Doug should go, nd you should send his ex a card congratulation her on her son's marrage. Taking the high road makes it easier to look down on the whole event.  |
Maxmm wrote: ...You could find the shortest, tightest dress and wear it with the biggest hair and the brightest makeup and show up drunk to the wedding and see who's uncomfortable then.
Or, if you really wanted to get their attention, wear this:
(sorry, I don't have any better advice than what's already been posted) |
I think Doug needs to go. This is his son and if he doesn't go he will regret it. No harm in skipping out early though. 
I do find it ridiculous that you being there would upset the Ex. |
Pepsi's Mommy wrote: I think Doug needs to go. This is his son and if he doesn't go he will regret it. No harm in skipping out early though.
I do find it ridiculous that you being there would upset the Ex. does anyone know if it really would? or is this a case of the kids projecting? |
| I think it is great that Doug is letting his kids know his boundaries. You are his wife and it is natural for him to want to send that message. Besides, I think weddings are over-rated. The real stuff all happens after the ceremony. |
| It's such a sad situation, and unfortunately happens to a lot of us. I think you and Doug should both go.
At mine & Jason's wedding, we had to deal with his mom & stepdad and dad and stepmom wars, and in the end they were all threatening not to come. For parents, I don't think the wedding day should be about your ex-spouse or being mad at your ex... it's about supporting your child on such an important day! Jason was really hurt at his parents' behavior, and it would have been easy for both sets to show up and not talk to the other and just be there out of love for him. His dad and stepmom were only there for the ceremony, then took off and never showed up at the reception. 
Doug should definitely go, and I think you should go too. It's his son's wedding day... not his ex-wife's!  |
| Weddings are very sensitive days. ALL parents need to remember it is the wedding of the Bride and Groom and not a new way to battle with the ex. I am with you Ginny in the fact you where asked not to go so I don't go any place I'm not wanted. My time is too preciouse to waste it on people who would not appreciate my presents. I feel Doug should go because it is his son and for a parent to skip a child's wedding it is not right. My ex skipped my daughter's wedding and it put a damper on their memories of their Wedding. He was very selfish to do that. He did, however, attend my son's Wedding, which my daughter did not overlook. If Doug's son really does not want you their because of their Mom it says more about her then you.
At my son's wedding the video shot that everyone still talks about is when my ex, his wife, our granddaughter, my granddaughter and I where all dancing together in a circle at the reception. My ex nor I really like each other but you would have never known through out the Wedding activities. This was "our son's day" not ours. It was a beautiful Wedding and many happy memories.\ It has been 8yrs since my daughter's wedding and my ex is still trying to make up to her for not coming to her wedding. |
| Doug should go. This is his son's wedding, and he needs to be there. You love Doug and you should insist he attend his son's wedding, and realize that as has been mentioned in other posts, that this is not directed personally against you. But even if it is, you love Doug, and it is important that he be at his son's wedding. You are not close to Doug's son and it may sting a little, but I think that you and Doug should respect his son's wishes.
It is unfortunate that the son believes (erroneously or not) that having you there would make his mother uncomfortable. And no, I wouldn't put up with it forever, if I were Doug, but now is not the time to make that statement. The important thing is to be at his son's wedding. And to model good, adult, respectful behavior. And to share in the joy of the occasion. And hopefully open the door to a closer relationship down the road. I would like to speak up as the daughter of a father who divorced her (recently disabled)mother and married her mother's (former) best friend 5 months later. Don't worry: that marriage didn't last and Dad went on to marry wife #3. But I digress.... My dad's second wife was very uncomfortable being around my mother (no joke) after she married my dad. She made it very difficult for my sisters and me to spend time with our father, and eventually extended her discomfort to being around any reminder of dad's first marriage--including his 4 daughters. Special times, let me tell you. My sisters and I made tremendous efforts to maintain a relationship with our dad. We all did our best to have a decent relationship with Dad's wife #2. I am glad that we did, even if our efforts were unsuccessful. We were very relieved when they divorced. My father's 3rd (and final) wife is far from perfect, but she has truly done her best to treat my sisters and their families and my husband, me, and my children, as family. She encouraged us to have a close relationship with our father, even when it irritated her own daughters (my dad's step daughters). She and my mother became friendly and family gatherings were no longer a question of who would or would not be there if someone else was or was not there. Everybody was invited and everybody came. So much nicer. Especially for the grandchildren. Even if I had hated my father's 3rd wife and her daughters and grandchildren, I am glad my children got that. I am so grateful to his 3rd wife for making it possible. My father (and mother) both passed away nearly 3 years ago. I am extremely grateful that we were able to have enjoyable family times with both parents present--and including wife #3. Attitude is everything. And we all developed the attitude that we were family. This was not the journey of a day, but it was one worth taking. |
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