Saying goodbye to a dying man
I last saw him briefly 2 years ago and had finally resolved to not hold any grudges. I had tried a few times to make peace but he wasn't willing or rebuffed my advances. I had been angry with him all my growing up years as he walked out one Christmas Eve leaving me alone in the house when I was a little kid. My mom was working and my older brother and sister were elsewhere. I felt he ruined Christmas for me for many years. I saw him again on his wedding day when I was 12, my way of telling him I forgave him. I arrived with him but afterwards he forgot I was there and I was stranded at the church in some town, until some strangers drove me home. At 17 he did come to my graduation but left before the father/daughter dance. At 19 I saw him again but he referred to my baby son as a bastard and I walked out. I never saw him again for many years. Sometimes we can't change things but our own attitudes and once I realized that, I always felt at peace with the situation. His chest heaved and he was wearing an oxygen mask on his face. After a fall he had suffered broken ribs, also had pneumonia and had seizured a few times. He had been unconscious for almost 24 hours. The nurse said only two patients in at one time and my step mom was already in the room. My sister had rushed ahead of me. I said I need to say goodbye before he dies and she allowed me in the room. Looking down I thought of his legacy and how sad his life had come to this. Only three of us in the room, my own mom and brother didn't want to go, neither did my sons or any of his other grandchildren. My step mom had been seperated from him for over 20 years. He only had my sister and half sister whom ever kept in contact. Several months ago he broke all contact with my sister and she was still trying to come to terms with it. None of that mattered however as inexplicably I knew I didn't have to say anything. I was there. My sister was holding one hand and speaking to him. After an eternity I took hold of his other hand and spoke. His hand flinched and he opened his eyes. I was shocked by how blue they were as I had forgotten that he resembled Paul Newman in many ways. He was conscious and coherent although hard to understand with the oxygen mask. He squeezed my hand and I saw a glimmer of a tear in his eyes. He eventually went back to sleep and we said our goodbyes and left. I will probably go back tomorrow if he survives the night. His intolerance of others, his cruelty to animals, and his judments I realized that I am who I am today because of him. I grew up to be totally opposite of everything he was and I'm glad. I am not upset or angry but very much at peace. I quess I just needed to write it down. Marianne |
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| You are a brave woman to be there for a father who continually let you down when you needed him. It is easier to hold a grudge against a person who hurt you than to forgive them.
You are a wonderful person in spite of all he has done, and it is a lot healthier to live without all that poison inside of you. I, for one, am very proud to know you. |
| I'm glad you went to see him. It would have haunted you for quite a while if you hadn't. |
| You'll always know that you did the right thing.
Visiting him took alot of guts. You won't go thru life wondering "Should I have gone to see him?" I know it was a very hard thing to do. Jo Anne |
You definitely did the right thing. If for anyone, yourself... to help with closure. 
My father and his brother were not on speaking terms. My Uncle was dying and kept asking to see his brother. So after me harrassing my father to no end, I convinced my Dad to go see him. My Uncle was heavily sedated, but cried when he saw his brother. I do not know what was said or anything, but it moved my Dad enough to get him to go to the funeral. I was very proud of my Dad for that. |
| I am so sorry that you have to deal with this--all of this. It is so hard to lose a parent.
I also had a difficult relationship with my father, although not nearly as difficult as yours. At one point, many years ago, we almost got to the point of never talking again. It scared us both, I think, and we were very careful afterwards. Earlier in the summer he died, my mother (from whom he had been divorced many years) died. Dad wanted to come with my sisters and me to the burial, the day after the funeral. It was pouring rain, and he was really sick--we wouldn't know until the next week that he was dying much faster than any of us knew. Anyways, Dad and I literally had a screaming match before he got into my car to go to the cemetary. It was horrible, and it would have been so easy to write him off. But I did not, and I am glad. He died about 10 weeks later from the effects of COPD and leukemia, combined. It was the leukemia we found out about right after Mom died. The thing is, I always loved him, and knew he loved me. We might scream at each other, disagree about almost anything political and a lot of other things, but I think we understood each other. I don't know that he accepted my limitations: I accepted his. Loved him anyways. I know he loved me, too. I spent the night in my father's room before he passed away. My only regret is that the time I had with him was so short. But by the time he died, I no longer felt I had anything to forgive. It didn't even matter whether he loved me--although I always knew he did. What mattered was that I loved him. That mattered more than any of the fights and even more than the fact that he died. I loved him. I still do. The nursing staff should allow any and all visitors to spend as much time as possible with your father. |
| I'm proud of you too, Marianne. Both for being strong enough to go and say goodbye, and for being strong enough all your life to forge a path of your own and counter balance all of that early pain with compassion and love.
I realized the same thing once, about various relationships in my own family...sometimes the best gift you can receive from some people is a really good "bad" example!  |
| Hi Marianne, I am so sorry to hear about your father but very happy you had the opportunity to say goodbye to him before he passes on. I too had a very similiar experience. My father and I had only a very minimal casual relationship over the years. My father had always sided with my sisters and I was really the outcast. For the past two years my father had been living in an assisted living facility. In July of 2007 my father's health took a turn for the worse which resulted in him not being able to return to assisted living. The options were nursing home or living with someone. My sisters opted for nursing home, I opted to give him the choice to come live with me. He moved in with me on September 1, 2007 and stayed with me til his death November 11, 2007. Those were the best weeks I have ever experienced. It gave both of us the opportunity to get to know each other. During the final two weeks of my father's life he told me that since he came to live with me he has been the happiest and most content he has been in a long time. He also told me that he wished his health had been better so he could stay longer and that his wish was to return home with me, from his final hospital stay. But if that could not happen he knew I would have some tough decisions to make regarding him and he trusted that I would make all the right decisions for him. Just a few months prior to him moving in with me I had been chatting with a friend. We were speaking about parents. I told my friend that it was ashame because "my father would never know the son he had and I would never know the father I had." It is funny how God works sometimes and grants us our wishes. Those ten or so weeks that my father lived with me was the greatest gift that he could have ever given to me and I will be forever grateful for them. I am also grateful that I was able to make my father's final weeks here on earth happy ones. When he passed on I had no regrets. I wish you and your father much healing power and love at this time. Take good care. Jack |
| Marianne, I am sorry. I wish for you healing and peace.
(((HUGS))) Ginny |
| i agree with everyone you did the right thing to go see him |
| Oh, Marianne! I'm so sorry for you, I know how you feel...I used to be angry at my father, I even said I hated him. Today I just feel peace.
You are a wonderful and strong person and I'm sure your father opening his eyes and looking up at you meant a lot for both of you. There are moments when no words need to be said, still both of you understand each other. |
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| Marianne, you are a strong woman. Your being there was forgiveness and love; his response to you was a plea for forgiveness. To err is human; to forgive is divine. You are both in my prayers. |
| Marianne: I am sorry you are going through this. Prayers and positive thoughts coming your way.
Strength, |
| Very strong of you and I'm so sorry to hear about your father.
<<big hugs>> Thinking of you.... |
| You are a very strong and forgiving person - I admire you. I honestly don't know if I could of done what you did. I will do anything and everthing for my mom. My dad is another story |
| You are a very special person Marianne. It shows in all that you do- and all that you say.
I am glad that you have found peace with such an emotional situation. Please know you are in my thoughts. Lori |
| Marianne, Im sorry that you are going through this.
Even though you didn't have a great relationship with your father, it is still going to be upsetting when he passes. It's the loss of the opportunity for a relationship with him. My parents divorced when I was ten. My father was more interested in impressing his friends than paying attention to us. My mother always said that his father was not a great role model and that he did the best he could. He married four times before he passed away - always looking for someone to make him happy, rather than working to make himself happy. He was diagnosed with renal cell cancer on his 60th birthday and given one week to live. He finally reached out to my brother and myself for help, which we did to best of our ability during his final 9 months. The sadest thing about my father - he missed out on knowing my brother and myself and our wonderful families. He was basically a guest in our lives, not really family. And that's sad for him. |
| what a wonderful thing to do....you have given both yur father and yourself some peace........that took a lot of LOVE |
Marianne wrote: I realized that I am who I am today because of him. I grew up to be totally opposite of everything he was and I'm glad. I am not upset or angry but very much at peace. I quess I just needed to write it down.Marianne
Bless you for being such a wise and understanding woman. |
| Marianne, I'm sorry you are going through this but you are a very brave person to go to see your Father to say your goodbyes. It is a decision you will never regret. Be grateful you have the chance, not everyone has a warning and gets that opportunity... |
| Marianne, your kindness never fails to amaze me. I agree with everyone that you did the right thing.
You have a heart of gold, and one day I hope that you get your reward! |
| You come out the winner here Marianne, because when your dad is gone you will have no regrets, I should haves, nothing inside to make you feel bad about yourself. Forgiveness brings peace
Holly |
| Marianne, what a wonderful person you are.
You will be in our thoughts as you go through this difficult time. Take care. |
Vicki & George wrote: Marianne, your kindness never fails to amaze me. I agree with everyone that you did the right thing.
You have a heart of gold, and one day I hope that you get your reward! I agree with Vicki you are a very kind and caring person Sheepie (((((HUGS)))))) |
| Mare, I agree with you 100% when you said that he made you who you are today. Without weakness, there can be no stregnth.
You are a strong, beautiful (inside and out), caring and loving person. Be completely at peace. xo, |
| Marianne, I'm glad you went to see him, too. To my way of thinking, you did the right thing because it is what you wanted to do. Not because you felt obligated to do so, or because some family member guilted you into it, but because it is what you felt like doing for yourself to have peace with this situation. To me, if your motivation isn't right, you might as well stay at home. But, you did what you did for the right reasons. Be at peace. |
| I have hesitated to post here because I'm not sure what I wanted to say -- or more precisely how to say what I want without offending anyone.
I wouldn't expend an ounce of energy to make him feel better; do whatever you want but only for your own peace of mind. If that makes him feel better, or if you want to make him feel better, that's ok too. |
| Hi Everyone,
I really appreciate everyone thoughts, comments, kind words and own experiences. I guess it all comes down to what we feel works best for each one of us. I never wanted regrets and can honestly say I have none. I should thank him for he made me strong and realistically I probably would have been a wreck if I had grown up with him in the same home. So in retrospect, I'm glad he left when he did. A few years ago, I recieved a call from a lawyer who was searching for my half sister but wouldn't give me any more information. It had been years since I had seen my father and I honestly thought he had died at that time and were trying to contact her. I remember feeling a bit sad not having a chance to see him one last time and wondering if things may have been different? Turns out he was living in a care home and eventually my sister took him into her home until they had a falling out recently. So I did get my second chance afterall. Two years ago, we had not seen in each other for aprox 15 years,when he saw me enter my sister's house for Christmas dinner with my two sons and Ole Blue. The first words out of his mouth was a tirade and cussing about &%&% dogs shouldn't be in a house and I responded with a bit of glee that amazingly he had a daughter that proudly had three and they all lived indoors. Those are the only words he spoke to me all night. I felt a bit of satisfaction with my glib response but it was short lived. I realized the it was all pointless and saw him for what he was..a sad bitter man that had alienated almost everyone in his life due to alcoholism. He always used his fist and temper to frighten the woman, children and animals in his life. It would have been easy to speak harshly to him or allowed my sons who really wanted to. I realized it would have been futile, as what was the point? I also knew no apologies would ever be forthcoming and again, once I accepted it was never going to happen - it gave me a bit of freedom. Means letting it all go and not dwelling on things we can't change. It was my choice too, I realized, and as he was leaving and shuffled to the door I walked over and gave him a hug. He hugged me back. I knew I would never contact him again and this probably was the last time I was going to see him. That is how I wanted my last memory of our time together to be. All this is a bit personal and although I feel a tad uncomfortable devulging so much personal information - I'm hoping that it may help others who may find themselves some day in a similar situation. Letting go of "stuff" and moving on. We can't change the situation or their response and the "I'm sorry" might never come...the only thing you can change is your attitude towards it and that brings a sense of peace. Marianne |
| Thanks Marianne, really! Your story is an inspiration for others. |
| It really is (what Darcy said) I wish I could forgive people and move on but I can't that's why I love dogs so much. Maryann you are one of a kind |
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