Need opinions and direction with family situation- LONG :(
This is long- so my apologies! My husband John is the youngest of 5 children. His parents were divorced when he was 12- and - John was the only one that went to live with his Dad. His brothers and sister were older- ( the next youngest was 17) and two were already married at the time of the divorce. To be quite frank- at the time, John's Mom was more interested in a new relationship than being a Mom.  
The family was disjointed for several years after the seperation. By the time I met John ( Highschool sweethearts) things were more normal- although John and his Dad had a much closer relationship than John and his Mother. The other siblings were closer with their Mom. From what I know - she really did a number on them with guilt- and almost insisted that they "choose" Dad or Mom. <<< sigh>>>> John never played the game- and has always been respectful to both parents- trying to give equal time and attention. Just being a good son. John's Mom has tried through the years to make it up to John- and- as long as I have known him- he has NEVER made an issue out of the past. NEVER. While he and his siblings aren't really close- they enjoy each other when we all are together at Holidays etc. This is very foreign to me--- I come from a very large extended family, and talk to my parents and siblings almost every day. John has always enjoyed the closeness we share- and - he is close with my family as well. Ok- that is all background to the real issue. Last year was John's 50th- and we had a big Luau party. All of his family was invited- and only his Dad and StepMom - Mom and StepDad and his Sister came. Because John's Dad was outside- his Mom stayed in the house the whole time, and his sister stayed in there with here. They didn't even come out for cake. There were 75 people there- so I am sure they could have avoided each other!!! I didn't notice that day- but- John's Sister totally ignored John's Dad and StepMom. The next day- John's Dad called and asked if we knew why Joyce was upset. We didn't---- and thought it must just been the fact that John's Mom was at the party too.... ( the whole "choose" thing still playing a part) Well.... John's Dad called Joyce - and asked if there was a problem. She hung up on him. OK- now we were getting the picture. There WAS a problem- and through the grapevine we found out what. Joyce thinks John is the "favorite" and is upset about that. In other words - she is jealous. She is also mad at John and I. John's Mom is thrilled that Joyce is upset with her Dad. That makes her the favorite now.... 
There is much more to this- but the end result is we did not have John's family last year for Christmas Eve ( which we had done for 29 years) nor have we been to any family functions since the Birthday party. We have not been invited. This is when the siblings get together with Mom. John's Dad and Stepmom have not tried to host a family gathering - too much stress and bitterness. 
We continue to see John's Dad regualry. In fact - while all this has been going on he has been in the hospital twice, almost passing each time. We also talk to John Mother on a regular basis- avoiding the obvious conversation and all that is happening with the siblings. Dad is now on oxygen 24/7 and has a hospital bed in the living room. John and I have been the only ones that have helped with his care, (beyond caregivers and John's step mom) and it is taking a toll on us. The whole family has kind of jumped on the "Hey- if Dad thinks John is so perfect - then let John and Lori take care of him bandwagon" We feel just sick about it. Our intention has always been to just do what is right, love both of his parents- and help when needed. That brings us to today. John's niece called - and invited us to her house Sunday for an early Thanksgiving. This is John's Sister's daughter. She said her Mom has already told her she won't come if we are there. Our niece says she is done with this foolishness and misses John and I. We talked for 2 hours- and I told her how saddened we are, how much her grandpa misses all of them, and how this is so very foolish. I also told her that John is firm on his belief that we will not particiapte in family gatherings - until he feels that we are a family again. I told her how much we appreciated the invitation.... more than she will ever know. This is all so foolish. John's Dad is 86 and in his last years. In fact, we are suprised that he is still with us. He is a devout - Christian man. Soft spoken and gentle. This wears on him... and us too. I am wondering if we should go Sunday- and try to make things right. This is a mess, and advise would be so much appreciated. Happy Holidays huh  |
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| I would go. You can repair relations one family member at a time. I think it is nice that the neice is reaching out and doing what feels natural. There is no reason to shun her invitation simply because other members of the family are acting like children.
I have alot of sympathy because my own family is very fractured. I make a point of valuing the relationships that remain intact and trying not to grieve too much about the rest. |
| I'm sorry this situation is happening in your family and making you and your husband stressed
The only advise I can offer is to remember that NONE of this REALLY has anything to do with you and John....its your sister-in-law's drama-show, and letting it screw up your holidays would be giving her exactly what she wants.
Personally? Id plan a (quiet, simple) get together myself for the folks I miss, and ignore the whole dumb mess. The position your father in law is in is so sad....but its not your fault or under your control in any way. Just love him and be family for him....its all you can do.
My family (parts of it anyway  ) have always been a huge source of holiday-time stress for me...I snapped out of my need to participate when my wonderful, loving husband said to me..."What I want most for Christmas this year, is to not see you cry."  |
| It is sad that as old as his family is they still are playing these type of games. It is great that John and you have been there for his father. John siblings are acting like 10 year old. I would thank the niece and try to include her in a future event at your house, and enjoy the time John's father has.
If John choose to be suppotive of his father and his wife, and be conserned and active in his fathers life he probably is his fathers favorite. It is hard to chose to spend time with someone who is hostile toward you. This type of behavior is way out of line for people in their sixeties and older. It is amazing how these people use holidaies as a weapon.
At this time in out lives I find that spending time with those who I enjoy and limit (really limit) time with people that stress me is the best way. After all we deserve to live a long time to annoy the younger generation, and stress is not good for you.  |
| I would accept the invitation, and go! No reason why not to. Screw the rest of them. It is THEIR problem, not yours.
If you and John wait until eveyone is all one big happy family ...well, frankly that will never happen. Spend time with the ones you love, and love you.....and ignore the rest of the crap....You cannot change people who do not want to be changed...So screw them all and do your own thing....Sourround yourselves with people you enjoy spendingtime with, and who enjoy spending time with you. Your niece is a dear to want to share her life with you and John and family.....You should let her. |
| Oh, does this sound familiar! I agree with everyone who encouraged you to go visit your niece. She sounds like a lovely, sensible person, and someone you would enjoy having in your life.
I had a similar situation when my parents divorced, though not quite as acrimonious between the siblings. My sister and brother would leave my father out of occasions because my mother wouldn't show up if he was gong to be there. I thought that was ridiculous. If my mom couldn't handle seeing my dad, then she should politely decline the invitation. So the things I host are all-inclusive, and folks can be there or not be there, not my problem. I hope that you take your niece up on the invite and have a wonderful time. Laurie and Oscar |
Bosley's mom wrote: Spend time with the ones you love, and love you.....and ignore the rest of the crap....You cannot change people who do not want to be changed...So screw them all and do your own thing....Sourround yourselves with people you enjoy spending time with, and who enjoy spending time with you. Your niece is a dear to want to share her life with you and John and family.....You should let her.
I agree. You should go and see her. There is no such a thing as "the perfect family". Your proper family is the people you love and love you (niece, friends, etc.). You are a wonderful person, you know that?  |
| I'd say to go. |
| This is so sad and I feel your pain and frustration. Families are so aggravating and dysfunctional. If you enjoy your niece and other people that will be at her house, I'd recommend going there. If it was me and the only attendees will be the family members that take issue with John and Dad, I wouldn't attend due to such discomfot. Someone's bound to blow a fuse. But that's me...noone can truly understand the hurt and pain one's own famiy can create. Each person really does suffer on his/her own. |
| I can absolutely empathize with you and John. In my opinion, you go. John's niece is wiser than any of her elders. Go - and if the sister says she's not coming because you're there, then she's the one who looks foolish and petty. So be it - it's her problem.
And in the future, I think you and John should go out of your way to invite everybody - even the grumpy goats - to your home for gatherings. If they chose not to come, same thing - they just look the fool. Give it a few tries - go about it happily, thrilled to see everybody. My bet is that the rest of the family will be grateful and it will soon be forgotten. |
rdf wrote: I can absolutely empathize with you and John. In my opinion, you go. John's niece is wiser than any of her elders. Go - and if the sister says she's not coming because you're there, then she's the one who looks foolish and petty. So be it - it's her problem.
And in the future, I think you and John should go out of your way to invite everybody - even the grumpy goats - to your home for gatherings. If they chose not to come, same thing - they just look the fool. Give it a few tries - go about it happily, thrilled to see everybody. My bet is that the rest of the family will be grateful and it will soon be forgotten. and I agree  |
| I also think you should go. It is really sad that the family is so petty and hard-hearted like that, but you should continue to see the ones who truly want to be around you. I see this situation a lot on my husband's side, and it is really sad and awkward.
Maybe you, or John, could write his siblings a letter. It would give you a chance to tell your side without being interrupted or hung-up on. And at the very least, they would know your intentions and know if they choose to continue their behavior then that is their choice and they're causing the problems. I hope you guys have a great holiday season. I'm really sorry for the conflict and I know that can be so trying on everyone... even the innocent. Just remember it's not yall's fault. This situation is a typical consequence of what happens when one parent tries to force their kids to pick sides. It's really terrible when kids of divorced parents feel that they have to choose and they're always being disloyal to someone. |
| Just go and enjoy yourself. It's not worth your time and effort to worry yourself sick over the selfish actions of others. You won't be able to change them and it'll only cause more upset trying to reason with that kind of pettiness. Just because you're related to someone, it doesn't necessarily mean that you're family, you know what I mean? Surround yourself with people you love and that love you and forget about the rest. |
Lori, I think you guys should go . 
You and your husband need to go ,enjoy your niece and family members that want to be a family !!!!!!!! Antoinette |
Abuckie wrote: The family was disjointed for several years after the seperation. By the time I met John ( Highschool sweethearts) things were more normal- although John and his Dad had a much closer relationship than John and his Mother. The other siblings were closer with their Mom. From what I know - she really did a number on them with guilt- and almost insisted that they "choose" Dad or Mom. <<< sigh>>>> Kind of ironic that two people have the luxury of "choosing" each other, creating children and then have anger when the child they created "chooses" to have a relationship with the parent they in essence stuck them with. Well.... John's Dad called Joyce - and asked if there was a problem. She hung up on him. OK- now we were getting the picture. There WAS a problem- and through the grapevine we found out what. Joyce thinks John is the "favorite" and is upset about that. In other words - she is jealous. She is also mad at John and I. Many times these things are so layered that it's possible for each party involved to hold a different opinion and each of them to be correct. John's Mom is thrilled that Joyce is upset with her Dad. That makes her the favorite now.... Pretty immature. There is much more to this- but the end result is we did not have John's family last year for Christmas Eve ( which we had done for 29 years) nor have we been to any family functions since the Birthday party. We have not been invited. This is when the siblings get together with Mom. John's Dad and Stepmom have not tried to host a family gathering - too much stress and bitterness. We continue to see John's Dad regualry. In fact - while all this has been going on he has been in the hospital twice, almost passing each time. We also talk to John Mother on a regular basis- avoiding the obvious conversation and all that is happening with the siblings. Dad is now on oxygen 24/7 and has a hospital bed in the living room. John and I have been the only ones that have helped with his care, (beyond caregivers and John's step mom) and it is taking a toll on us. The whole family has kind of jumped on the "Hey- if Dad thinks John is so perfect - then let John and Lori take care of him bandwagon" We feel just sick about it. Our intention has always been to just do what is right, love both of his parents- and help when needed. That brings us to today. John's niece called - and invited us to her house Sunday for an early Thanksgiving. This is John's Sister's daughter. She said her Mom has already told her she won't come if we are there. Our niece says she is done with this foolishness and misses John and I. Good for her. If you enjoy her company you could go. Will the other family members be there? Probably the ones who want to live in peace will go and maybe there will be a wonderful family time for the dad maybe giving him some closure. Does the dad want to go? We talked for 2 hours- and I told her how saddened we are, how much her grandpa misses all of them, and how this is so very foolish. I also told her that John is firm on his belief that we will not particiapte in family gatherings - until he feels that we are a family again. It sounds like she is reaching out trying to be family. And communication after all is the only way to resolve things. Was it an invitation for 4 of you? Have you talked to the Dad and StepMom regarding their views on going? But with that being said I would respect John's feelings and if he doesn't want to go, then that is the "right" thing. It's important to make decisions you feel at peace with and if he's strong in his decision and is at peace with it then I wouldn't cajole him or try to push him towards going. If he's made that decision then I would leave it alone. Only he knows what he can live with as far as the decisions he's making regarding his family. I would NOT force him into anything he is uncomfortable doing. This is all so foolish. John's Dad is 86 and in his last years. In fact, we are suprised that he is still with us. He is a devout - Christian man. Soft spoken and gentle. This wears on him... and us too. I am wondering if we should go Sunday- and try to make things right. This is a mess, and advise would be so much appreciated. Happy Holidays huh |
| I didn't read all the other responses so I may be being redundant but I say go!!!
You only have control over your OWN behavior, you cannot control that of another. So you need to do what YOU think is the right thing regardless of what someone else does. If you and John feel that being there is the right thing then go, be as gracious and loving as possible. If someone stays away because you are there then that is THEIR behavior not yours. Holidays are really NOT the time to mend family fences, they are too full of past baggage and emotion. Any attempt to solve a long standing problem at this time of year usually ends in disaster. But in the meantime you and your husband need to do what you feel comfortable with. If others don't come because of it then it is their loss. Families are very complicated things and despite what the Hallmark commercials would have us believe MOST of us come from dysfunctional ones. You just have to learn to play the cards you are dealt and know that as long as you stay true to what you believe to be right you are doing the right thing. What the others do is their issue. |
| I'll jump on the "go" bandwagon. Our family dynamics are not the best either, but we've managed to stay close to our two nephews despite the fact that we don't get along with their father (my BIL) and step-mother (the original WWW - wicked witch of the west!).
Mend fences where you can, don't worry about the others. As everyone has said, it's THEIR problem, not yours. But guess who will be the first in line for the reading of the will??  |
| GO!!!!!! Families are funny and they are all you have......so go to the ones that want you ....the others will come around....it just takes time
this is not your fault .........my family broke up after the death of my Mom no communication at all............so go have fun .......easy to say hard to do...........but you have to start somewhere......... |
| I can't add much to the positive advice already given, except I've been there, done that in a number of similar situations and have like you tried to stick to the dictates of my conscience to respect the preferences of the other parties, but at the same time continue to show love and kindness whether they want to accept it or not. Definitely go and enjoy her company. Be thankful that you two are there for your dad, even though it can be a heavy burden.
It would be wonderful if all us humans were as loving as our sheepies. |
| I think you've gotten good advice here, Lori. Your niece is obviously trying to mend fractured relationships and I commend her for it. Go. Enjoy yourselves. Don't allow the pettiness of others to ruin it for you. |
| As someone with some experience. (My Uncle and Dad stopped talking for many year) I stayed in touch with my Uncle against my father's wishes. If it wasn't for that I would not have been able to grant my Uncle his dying wish of seeing his brother. So I am thankful I went against my parents.... even though they felt it was wrong.
I say go for it! If the rest of John's family wants to be immature, let them. Go to the party and prove that your not like that. I cannot believe how immature families can be. |
| Lor, I also say "GO"....its never too late to say your sorry or to accept an apology...youve got gumption, whats the worst that could happen (you already know)..?
Good luck, I know its hard!! |
| Go. Your niece is the only sensible one in the family! This could be beginning of healing, and if it's not, at least you and John and his niece will have a normal relationship. |
| Thank you for all of your great advise and words of encouragment.
We talked about it and had decided to be the adults and go--- much of it based on wisdom here. When I got home today- there was a message from our niece- saying that she was getting push back from her Mom and Grandma ( John's Mom) and she thinks it will be best if she and her husband and kids get together with John and I without the rest of the family. I know she feels bad- but says that 'Grandma" says it will be uncomfortable and she doesn't want any problems at Thanksgiving dinner. Mind you- my MIL didn't call us herself. I haven't spoken to John yet-- he has a business dinner tonight, but I can tell you- he is going to be heartbroken. Just heartbroken to think that he is being shunned because of this foolishness. |
| Poor John! Please give him an extra hug for me. Its so sad that his own mother would be willing to hurt him this way. I agree with Jill...Family is a choice. Love is what matters, not genetics.
I'd try to make that gathering with your niece and her family SUPER special  Maybe it can be a wonderful new tradition for you guys! |
| How very VERY sad. My heart goes out to your husband. What a terrible thing to be rejected by your own mother. She should be ashamed of herself.
One of these days Karma is just going to slap her silly |
Tasker's Mom wrote: How very VERY sad. My heart goes out to your husband. What a terrible thing to be rejected by your own mother. She should be ashamed of herself.
One of these days Karma is just going to slap her silly Yes- MIL just called. She said it was all a misunderstanding and she was concerned for US. She didn't want us to feel uncomforatble. I did not speak with her for very long. I told her this was not a converstation to have over the phone- or without John. She is welcome to come over and "explain". I could tell by her story and her voice she knew she was "caught". I have to be very cautious what I say --- I don't want to stoop to the level of the others. It is apparent that John had different values instilled in him when he lived with his father. Karma--- I'm ready.... |
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| You did the right thing, she does need to deal with this face to face with her son. Sheesh, it amazes me what some people do to those they profess to love! |
| I'm sorry that happened. But your niece should not be rescinding invites either. She should have stood her ground.
About your MIL: Good for you, Lori! Let her explain herself to John. |
| I admire the courage of your niece to try to have this dinner and include everyone. I was disappointed to hear she changed that.
She should have her dinner the way she planned it. Yes, I agree with the others that you should go. I think your niece should welcome everyone into her home, serve dinner fairly quickly, but as she is saying grace, she should thank the Lord for the blessing of having her family together. Thank Him for this opportunity to show her children what true family love is about. (I hope you understand what I mean here.) Perhaps by bringing God into the picture, and the emphsis placed on the children's need to have a loving family, in order to grow up an have one of their own one day, maybe the adults with start thinking like adults, and take responsibility for their actions, and things will improve. Keep something planned, games or whatever to involve everyone in so that no one has an opportunity to feel left out, unless by choice. Good luck. |
mouthypf wrote: Perhaps by bringing God into the picture, and the emphsis placed on the children's need to have a loving family, in order to grow up an have one of their own one day, maybe the adults with start thinking like adults, and take responsibility for their actions, and things will improve.
Keep something planned, games or whatever to involve everyone in so that no one has an opportunity to feel left out, unless by choice. Good luck. I have been hesitant to mention this- but John's sister's other daughter is married to a minister. Through this whole thing they have avoided John's Dad too. ( their Granpa) No calls- no offer of prayer when he was so very sick - nothing. Of course- when Grandpa sent them money for Christmas- they all cashed the checks.
When John got home last night- and I told him the latest -in typical John fashion- he said very little. Kind of shrugged- said that it was a dissapointing turn of events ( being "un-invited) and we would talk to his Mom and get her side. He is so much more level headed and forgiving than me. I was ready to go at them with a bat, ONLY because I can't stand for him to be hurt. The vision of that little boy of years ago, left by him Mom, always comes to mind. I want to protect him from that. So--- the drama continues. One of our other nieces cleans for us. She is the daughter if his older brother. I never see her- --just leave a check for her on cleaning day. Well- funny- but she called me this morning and wanted to know if I still wanted her to clean tomorrow. Well- yeah- and why was she asking. " With everything going on" was her response. So the news has hit the stands pretty quick with ALL of the siblings. I bet the phone lines are heating up. While they are busy keeping things stirred up and being childish- John is going to his Dad's tonight "Just to visit" and see if they need anything. I'm not going. I think John needs "Dad time" . I am sure this situation will be a topic of discussion between them---- We are weary... |
| I know its WAY easier said than done, but you guys really need to take a step back from this poisonous bunch and focus on something else. Exhaustion is an effective weapon that people like this will use against you to get their way. Spend some time with YOUR family, do something fun together with Max, spoil yourselves! John has a perfectly wonderful family: You and Max!
Sorry....Lecture over! I've just been here, done this soooo damn many times. |
ravenmoonart wrote: I know its WAY easier said than done, but you guys really need to take a step back from this poisonous bunch and focus on something else. Exhaustion is an effective weapon that people like this will use against you to get their way. Spend some time with YOUR family, do something fun together with Max, spoil yourselves! John has a perfectly wonderful family: You and Max!
Sorry....Lecture over! I've just been here, done this soooo damn many times. Point well made- |
| How sad for John The real losers here are John's own family for not realizing he's a wonderful guy and well worth spending time with. When all is said and done you guys can be proud that you helped his Dad and made every effort with the others.
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