Elderly Parents - How to handle
She never raised me. I never lived with her. And, to be quite frank, there were times we really didn't get along. But! My dad loved her, and she saw him through his Altziheimer, and was very good to him. He died 10 years ago. Bernice (my stepmom) sold the lovely home I grew up in. It really was too big for her to care for, and bought a lovely condo. Since my dad passed, she and I have gotten very close. She has no children of her own, and her only brother lives in Canada. She is fiercely independant! But...now she is old, and not doing well. Physically, she's just old, but she's falling, and having fender benders all over the place. Oh yes....she refuses to give up her license. (Sorry...this is getting long). Tony and I live about 20 miles from her and we both work. So, its hard to take on her driving chores. Ok....so now, in the last week, she's fallen twice. Once in her condo (not hurt) and then last night when she was out to dinner with friends, she fell (for no reason) in the street. Not good. We were moving my daughter today and I couldn't go see her. She has stitches in her face, and is banged up, but nothing is broken. I plan on going there tomorrow. Its time for her to go to assisted living. I know she will fight me. But its time. I also know I will be surrendering all of my inheritance by having her move, but you know what? I've lived 57 years without it, and I just don't care. I want her to be safe. How do I approach all of this with an incredibly, strong, self reliant woman...who even, during a brief time of her youth, dated Oscar Hammerstein?! (Doesn't that give you a peek into her soul?) Please, I need to make her safe. Thanks. |
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| Just have to love the independance! We are dealing with the very same issues - my Grandma is 95 and still has a mind like a steel trap- but her body is tired.... she has lost the use of her legs, but still refuses to talk about alternatives. My Dad and Aunt's and Uncles take turns staying each and with the help of a nurse- she is able to remain at home. But- it is taking it's toll on the care givers who are in range of 55-72 years old!
And... my husbands dad and step Mom are failing fast... His Dad can hardly get up out of a chair and is on Oxygen 24/7. And.. well lots of problems and issues... Sorry to be rude and go on about OUR problems with no advise 
I know how hard it is, and maybe some of these wise forum friends can help. ((( Lori)))) |
| There are a lot of assisted living facilities where you have your own private apartment. They are staffed 24/7 in case of emergencies and they provide you with meals at a dining room or they could make their own meals.
My Grandmother lived in two very lovely places. These were not nursing homes. They had bussing to malls and shopping centers and all sorts of activities. As far as driving, maybe you could report her to DMV for being an unsafe driver. My Mom threatened to do that to my Grandmother after she side swipped three car in a years time. She was pissed off because she lost her independence, but she hired a woman to take her to the store, to get her hair done....etc Maybe you could tell her you are worried about her hurting herself and others. I know it's a sensitive subject, but she a very serious one too. She is putting others in danger |
| Oh Lori, don't worry about going on about your situation. Maybe we can learn from each other! And my darling Elissa! The state was wise and pulled her license last year. She was so enraged, she went and got letters from all of her doctors, and hired an attorney, until they re-instated her licenses. Good grief! You should see her car! If it wasn't for the possiblity of her killing someone else, I won't care. But I'm so afraid that will happen. That type of assisted living is what I'm hoping to sell her on. She is mentally active. She plays bridge a couple times a week, and I know in those places, they arrange card games, and other activities. I just pray, she see it that way. I think it would be great to live somewhere like that! |
Would it be feasible to hire someone to help take care of her in her condo, rather that needing to move? My sister, who is disabled has a home health care worker who assists her with many tasks she cant handle alone, and the dynamic is much more like having an "employee" than "being taken care of" 
good luck, I know this must be an agonizing decision for you.  |
| My aunt lived in an assisted living facility and loved it. No cooking, places to go, peope to hang out with and still her private apt when she wanted peace and quiet.
My mother has mentioned it as a possibility. My in-laws OTOH - they need to be there now. My m-i-l fell out of a tree in March (trimming braches and the chainsaw became unplugged). She hurt her back and now requires a walker for short distances (longer are out). My f-i-l has had 2 wrecks (his fault) and needs to have his license pulled. Unfortunately, he managed to pass a driving test 18 months ago (he can pull it together if it is important - should do it everyday). If he went into assisted living, he would kicked out in 24 hours because he is a jerk (age doesn't change a person). Good luck! |
| I think when people reach a certain age they should have to pass a driving test yearly and not on a course...but an actual road test on real roads withother cars. I bet they would pull a lot of licenses if that happened. It would also probably save a lot of lives.
My Grandmother's car was totalled every time she got into an accident, but she would take the insurance money and find someone to fix it for her.  |
| Deb - I see it all the time at work. These strongly independent older people keep going until they really are hurt. It's either a fall with a broken hip or a head injury; or a car accident with multiple injuries. They end up permanenently disabled or die. Please convince her to stop driving and enjoy herself more safely. Disable her car if you need to! |
| Deb,
My mother is 90 and fortunately doesn't drive anymore because she is nearly blind. About 5 years ago she moved into a senior apartment....it's one step up from assisted living. They have their own apartment with a small kitchen, meals are served in a diningroom if they desire. Some have laundry facilities in the apartment, some are communal. You get basic housekeeping. You may have your car or use the apartment supplied courtesy car and driver and the shuttle bus to the grocery store, mall, etc. for security they suppy a medical emergency cord in the bathroom, a beeper to wear around your neck and also have a device they have to activate by 10 p.m. that shows the hall monitor they were OK at 10 pm and that device has to be unset by 9 a.m. to show they haven't passed away over night. It would be wonderful if you could get her interested in one of those. It helps if some of ther friends live there as well. Mom is not good at making friends since she can't see well, so is shy. But she finally decided she could not continue to drive or maintain a house. If that's not going to happen, talk to her about hiring a driver for her car. That's what Mom was doing when I couldn't get over to help (it was 450 miles away). Also my aunt hired (with great reluctance!!!!) someone to come by everyday to say hello (and to look them over for signs of stroke), perhaps do some light housekeeping, cook a light meal, etc. My aunt (Mom's sister was totally blind by then and having breathing problems). You are not going to get them to do anything, they have to be presented the options, let them mull it around and then the final decision is theirs. Carefully explain you are not always available to come and you worry about her. the apartments have people there on call 24 hours a day to help if they fall, if a plumbing problem comes up, etc. These senior apartments do not infringe on their independence, but do give them a bit more security and help and gives you more peace of mind. Each resident can live the life they want, no one will try to change them (until it becomes necessary.......but we don't mention that). Look for a newer one that is very luxurious, Mom's first one was like a resort, this one in Denver is a bit older and not as ritzy. Still very nice. We were fortunte with Mom and aunt since they both lived in a retirement community where finding help wasn't difficult. Now Mom lives in Denver in a similar apartment tho she freely admits she needs to be in assisted living but she doesn't have the funds. $3,000 a month for the apartment is one thing, $5-7,000 for assisted living is quite another. |
| We are going through this right now with my FIL. He has had a few falls and has recently had his license pulled after an accident. Right now he is in a rehab place after a fall that cracked ribs. SIL and BIL think he should go to a nursing home, Randy is on the fence, and I think he should go to assisted living. He too is very independent and got very depressed after his license was pulled. When I was going through this with my dad, my sister and I visited a few assisted living homes and were impressed with the quality of some. As mentioned they can have their own small apartment, meals, outings, and some have hairdressers that come in and like a small store on premises for milk, bread, etc. The fact is that some of the better places can be pricey and some can't afford it. My SIL is worried about inheritence(SP) which totally burns me up. The other thing that makes me very angry is they are not talking to him about this, just among themselves. He may be 90yo but his mind still works and I think he should have a say in whats left of his life. Now I will step off my soapbox. My advice is to visit a few places, take your parent along, talk to the admin. and talk to residents. Talk it up, its not a prison, you get out for shopping, hairdressing, if someone comes to pick you up for card games,or shows, they just want to know what time you will be back. I think this is a great option for those who need a little help with daily living. |
| Do unto other's as you would have done unto yourself.
Forget the part about the age you are now, just think how you would feel if presented with these so called "options." I'm a firm believer that children should care for their parents in their final years. Yes, it may be somewhat of an inconvienance to us, but no more so than we were when we were the ones being cared for. Did they find "options" (living arrangements) for us? My dad died when I was fourteen, mom when I was 30. I would give almost anything to be in your situations. Elderly parents are no different than we were when we left home. We were wreckless, did things that didn't make any sense, etc..... , but now the roles are reveresed. The first thing they think of is that they're not wanted when offered these options. No, they don't want to be a burden, but they don't want to give up their lives just because the kids think its time. Share these final years, build memories that you can treasure after they're gone. I learned so much from my great-grandparents and grandparents. I had 5 on one side of the family, and 3 on the other that were all still alive when I was about 10, and the last one died about 20 years ago. They were so full of love and knowledge. I was about to take in my grandmother, but had three uncles that said NO. One took her in for a short time, when nothing was wrong with her. Couple months later she was in a nursing home! About the time I was ready to fight them she became ill. I said to her during our final conversation before I went to "attack" my uncles, "You're not coming home with me, are you." Sitting in the chair, she smiled at me and shook her head no. I laid my head in her lap for about 20 minutes or so, and cried. We both knew what she meant. She was giving up, her fight was gone. We silently said our goodbyes that day, and again a couple weeks later in the hospital just before she died. Sorry. I just hate to see people miss out on so much........ jmop |
| Deb,
First to you and all you have to deal with. I'm flying through the forum and don't have time to read the responses but your post really struck a cord. BOY DO I HEAR WHAT YOU ARE SAYING!!!
My Dad is 85, also very independent and totally unsafe to live on his own. He lives on an Island off the coast of SC that is minimally populated in the winter and Emergency Medical Services have to come almost 40 miles. But he REFUSES to leave. My last two trips down have been an attempt to get him to come home with me or into an assisted living. FINALLY, I realized that I cannot impose my standards on him and if HE choses to live in an unsafe situatuion and is aware of the risks he is taking then I have to accept his choice and allow him to live his remaining days as he would like. It is a very difficult thing to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did convince him to get a "Link to LIfe" alram, which he complains endlessly about (he calls it the Albatrose around his neck). But I tell him that if he falls and breaks his hip it's HIS CHOICE whether to push the button or not but that at least he has the choice. My advice is to support HER DECISON to do what she wants, regardless of how YOU feel about it. It was a very difficult step for me to accept that my Dad might actually be shortening his life span or risking injury by doing it "his way" but in the end it is more important for him to do what HE wants than for me to keep him alive and miserable. |
| Whew...what great suggestions, and support. I had hoped, when she sold her house about five years ago, she would go into an assist, but she didn't want to. So, yes, I supported her decision. I had asked her to get a life alert (they have them as bracelets now, so she wouldn't have to feel like a dork with that thing around her neck) and she flatly refused. She said, psycologically, she couldn't deal with that. She's gone so downhill in the last year. Tony and I talked about having her move in here. But we are in a townhome, with a full flight of stairs to the bedrooms. She cannot do that. We also own a condo (1 level) about 1 mile from here. We offered it to her, so we could be near her and drive her and visit more often. But she refused, because to her, this is a million miles away from her home. (Its about 40 minutes away). I have supported her decisions. But I see how frail she's become, and she is not sharp anymore. She's starting to get very confused. She is heading for disaster. When I go today, I will present options. And you've given me some dandy ones. I don't think I can be as passive about her anymore. I know her time is coming, but I don't want her to pass because of some stupid accident that could be avoided. Her fall on the street (she refuses a cane or walker) left her with several stiches in her face. It could have been so much worse, and I know, next time it will be. I hope this may have been a wake up call to her. She will not be left alone. I will always be there for her. Because, she was always there for my dad...and he would want me to take care of her. Wish me luck! |
debcram wrote: I had asked her to get a life alert (they have them as bracelets now, so she wouldn't have to feel like a dork with that thing around her neck) and she flatly refused. She said, psycologically, she couldn't deal with that.
I do wish you luck. Share our story with her. My MIL (who is only 75) developed issues with her balance and had a tendency to fall. We did convince her to move into a senior complex - not assisted living, just an apartment complex that catered to seniors. Meals were available, but she also had her own kitchen. No one was looking after her, she could come and go as she pleased on the van to stores, etc. Tim would stop by and see her about twice a week. One day she took a fall in her apartment. She couldn't get up or crawl to a phone. She called for help, but no one heard her. She laid on the floor for two days. When Tim came for his regular visit he found her there. She wound up in the hospital suffering from injuries and dehydration, then spent a month in a nursing home. She HATED the nursing home, which is the leverage we needed to move her into assisted living. Now she has her own studio apartment with a kitchenette, she was able to keep her cat, she can still go out on the van for errands... but we know that someone is checking up on her. And yes, she still falls, but there are emergency pull cords and nurses aids to hear her and help. God bless those ladies who work there, they're underpaid and have hearts of gold. |
debcram wrote: The state was wise and pulled her license last year. She was so enraged, she went and got letters from all of her doctors, and hired an attorney, until they re-instated her licenses. Good grief! You should see her car! You should take a picture of her car and send it to that attorney. I'm actually surprised that she could get her doctors and and attorney to step up for her, because if she causes damage and/or injuries they could be sued along with her. |
debcram wrote: I don't think I can be as passive about her anymore. I know her time is coming, but I don't want her to pass because of some stupid accident that could be avoided. Wish me luck! I do wish you luck, but you need to accept that if she dies because of an avoidable accident that happened because of her choices that that may be better than forcing something on her that she doesn't want. For some elderly people living life their way is more important than prolonging it. |
| I went to see Bernice today. She looks terrible from her fall. The whole right side of her face is black and blue. Her chin is swollen, and she has 7 stitches under it. (Sigh). I sat down, poured her a cup of coffee and said, "And now, we talk." I said I was worried and didn't think she should be alone anymore. I gave her the options I had come up with. She looked down and said, "I know. I can't live like this anymore." I told her she should not be driving anymore, and she agreed. (Althought she then told me Tuesday, she'll be driving herself to the Doctor!) I told her I'd arrange a taxi. She said she'd think about that. It turns out, when she was 82 (over 10 years ago) she took out some sort of insurance policy that will pay for her to have a caregiver come and take care of her! So, I think that will be the option she choses. She really was not feeling well. She said she will seriously think over everything I said, and that next weekend, we can review that policy and take the first step to get her help. She has also agree to order the Life Alert. I told her I would do it, but she said, she would call tomorrow. So...it was a very success chat! She is very depressed, which worries me, but I told her, only G-d can decide when our time comes. Its not up to us to chose. I also pushed to get her use a cane. She said her friend had an "attractive" cane, that she will use when she gets it. Its nice to know, when we are in our 90's we are still vain! Thanks again...I'll update as things happen. |
We're going through the same thing right now with my in-laws. Both are PA Dutch and EXTREMELY hard-headed.  FIL (84) had a pacemaker/defib implanted last fall, MIL (85) had a knee replacement in April. FIL was from the generation that a man did nothing and a woman ALWAYS took care of everything for the man. When MIL had her knee replaced, he had to take care of everything for her for about 5 weeks. We still don't know if that helped his decline, or if it was a coincidence that it started about that time.
Since June, FIL has been in and out of the hospital about 6 times, with their telling us each time that there is nothing they can do for him except make him comfortable. (His family dr keeps telling him to go to the ER - another LONG story.) We keep trying to talk them into an assisted living apartment, to no avail. He flatly refuses to move out of their family house, as does my MIL. Says they "can't afford it." In the meantime, he barks commands at MIL, expecting her to treat him like a king, even though it's physically and emotionally draining on her. Not a good situation, from any angle. 
Dale and I both work, as does my BIL and his wife. Doesn't stop them from barking commands at all of us, too, and getting royally ticked off when we can't drop everything and run at a moment's notice. They won't sign up for Meals on Wheels (again -"can't afford it" - which, of course, is a lie). They just reluctantly agreed to have a woman come in every two weeks to clean, and also reluctantly agreed to hire someone to cut their lawn. 
MIL started driving again, out of necessity. I'm not comfortable with it, but nothing we say makes any difference. FIL insists he'll drive again, but the man can't even walk 3 feet without becoming winded. He even still wants to buy a brand new car!!  Kinda ironic, for someone who can't afford Meals on Wheels, isn't it??
So if anyone comes up with a foolproof line to get all of these seniors to listen, please share it!! |
Drezzie's Mom wrote: ......So if anyone comes up with a foolproof line to get all of these seniors to listen, please share it!!
I remember parents saying the same thing about kids, "You can't get these dang kids to listen anything, especially when it's for their own good!" mouthypf |
| I'm glad you talked to her Deb and that it went so well.
debcram wrote: I
It turns out, when she was 82 (over 10 years ago) she took out some sort of insurance policy that will pay for her to have a caregiver come and take care of her! So, I think that will be the option she choses. My parents have the same thing, called Long Term Insurance. They can live out their lives in their own homes, with live in caretakers. I guess they were worried we'd put them in a Nursing home.  |
| I'm glad the talk went well, too, Deb. Although it is worrisome when they're depressed, at least she took what you said at face value and didn't get defensive about it. Good luck! |
| Glad to hear you seemed to of had a successful talk with her. I hope that's the way it turns out, at least.
I'll just echo everyone else. We are going through the same thing with my husband's grandmother-in-law who is 90. Several years ago, she broke her hip from falling off a ladder, so she began living with the children since the accident really slowed her down. This is a lady who used to play basketball with everyone and any other sport until this accident. They have tried talking about every form of assisted living, and she is not having it. She wants to be with her daughter and feels the children should take care and pay for everything. I totally don't think it's a good idea for most families to have someone permanently move in. Both my mil and her sil are the most generous and patient people I know, and having their mom in the house has just caused serious resentment to someone they love. Due to her age, she tends to say things without thinking including telling their kids mean things or talk absolutely horribly about her own kids. She has dementia (sp?). She views herself as totally healthy and capable yet she has started several fires, won't eat unless someone cooks for her, refuses to do laundry, and has a few days where she has trouble even sitting at the table. Other days, she's fully functional and mentally, she's very smart (again, on her good days). It's sad that even though I know they will never say it... they are looking forward to her 'moving on.' She's had a full life. This wouldn't be the case at all if she would just agree to move into an assisted living place. Not to mention, it would keep her ACTIVE!!! The resentment causes days where she and those that take care of her don't want to talk to each other, so she stays in a room and watches tv. Poor thing is just drifting away with nothing to stimulate her like people her own age she can relate to... |
 Congrats that you were able to get this far with her. As you can see there are lots of people going through this and it is never simple. Perhaps some flowers or her favorite treat, and saying you are relived that she is going to be safer. I wish you luck in this effort. We told my grandmother that if she got to excercise her love and consern for us, and to express suggestion for bettering our life. Then we were going to excercise our side of it.  We will be cheering on all who have to face this type of dilema. I babble so. |
| Its interesting that so many of us are going through the same thing. Its wonderful that we have each other to lean on. Thanks! Bernice called me last night. She actually had some pep in her voice! She told me her friend found the "attractive" cane, and that she would certainly use it. She also told me, she had discussed our visit with her friend, who then offered to drive her to her Doctor on Tuesday!!!! I'm so relieved! I hope she keeps up this positive forward movement. I will be calling her at 9 this morning. We made that pack that I would do that each day. Its really hard. |
| My mother had a stroke several years ago and also made an arrangment to call my sister every morning....just in case.
It's a good setup and the family is comfortable with it. Like many other posters, my mother is fiercely independent. With the daily phone calls, we know that if my mother has any problems, she won't be on her own for too long without help. Jennifer, Baxter, Cassiopia and Sharkey |
| Well, a mere week and a half, and Bernice has gone back on all that she promised. (sigh). She doesn't want a live in, she wants to drive, and won't use a cane, because she is afraid she'll lose it, and it belongs to her friend. I have continued to call her every morning, to check on her. This morning, she could not form a sentence. She couldn't find her "words'. She said she was fine, but wanted to sleep. I was terrified and call her Doc, who told me to take her to the ER STAT! I left work, took and took her. She thanked me, because she didn't understand what had happened, When I picked her up, she seemed real good. When we got to the hospital, she couldn't remember her birthday...she was close (said Feb. 14, and it Feb. 6), but wasn't right. They ran a blood test, EKG and did a CT scan of her head (remember, she fell on her face less than 2 weeks ago.) The results came back, and the ER Dr. announced everything was fine. Great and horrible at the same time. He then, very delicately, mentioned, that she is probably dealing with age related dementia. He told her his mom is going through this, and had a wonderful neurologist and would she like his number. "NO"....she said she didn't need that. Oy. What can you do?! When the Dr. left, she told me, she has forgotten lots of things lately. I told her not to freak out, but to try and keep track how often she loses memory. And if it starts increasing "we" really need to see the neurologist, because they now have meds to help. I'm so scared for her. She was with my dad when he had altzheimers...which she does NOT have. She is simply 93 and tired. I have to get her help. I have to convince her to rely on others for the first time in her life. She is so grateful to me, which is embarressing, because I only want to help her...not get praise. Say a prayer for us, please. |
| Not only do they help, but they slow down the progression, so time is of the essence. |
| Oh no, sorry she went back on her word! I'm sure it's hard for her to come to terms with something like that.
As I mentioned my grandmother in law has dementia, and no matter how much we tell her something didn't happen that she claims, she insists it did. there's no way she could live by herself. She forgets to turn off the stove! She just doesn't understand things on her bad days WITH meds. 
So I will keep her in my prayers in hopes you can find a way to convince her soon to seek assistance. |
| Deb, did they rule out that she may have had a stroke? Not being able to form a complete sentence is one of the things they say to look for. If I remember correctly, the other things you should ask a person to do to determine if they are having a stroke are to smile, and ask them to raise their arms above their heads.
Good luck! |
| Yes...it was ruled out. They did a CT Scan, and it was good. Also, her EKG was very good. Considering she is 93, she is in remarkable health, although, very depressed. She told me it is not a blessing to live that long. Her doc has her on a low dosage of Zoloft. |
aww deb, im soo sorry....the only thing that i can tell you is that persistance pays off....so as tiring as it may be, keep it up....id want you for a daughter  |
| My Dad always says that when he was younger he thought he was immortal and now that he is older he's afraid he is!!!! I think old age is great if you have your health, your mind and the resources to enjoy them. I think it is so very sad to watch some elderly decline slowly and painfully long past the point in life where they can enjoy it.
I'm not supporting euthanasia but it does make me sad!! |
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