When You Stop and Listen
The little fellow is 11 years old and has Aspergers which is high functioning autism. For those not familiar with this it's too lengthy to get into, but overall the brain is set up differently from most. It is mainly noticable by the person's inability to interact with the outside world and communicate with them. They think on another level and don't pick up social cues as perhaps the rest of the population does. This little guy was diagnosed late in life, not until the end of 4th grade and for 5 years was thought by staff to be a behavior problem. Here's an example of my day. "Good Morning R" I say cheerily. Depending on his mood he may tell me to shut up and leave him alone or get lost or look up. He doesn't hit me anymore or try to spit on me as he and I have developed a bond over the last 2 years I've worked with him. For those that don't understand the disability most would reprimand a child like this..thinking they are horribly rude. Again, they don't know social rules and get lost ..might mean "I really want to be left alone". Someone familiar with autism immediately will not take this personally and will not comment but rather respect the wish and back off until the child is ready. Only then can one talk to them about a more appropriate choice of words but not at that moment, hard but takes patience. Although brilliant in many subjects an asperger child will rarely become engaged in conversation with someone unless it's something they are interested in. They have aversions to certain textures and have been known to eat 1-2 foods for years. They hear sounds which may not be noticable to you and I, wind blowing on their skin may drive them insane, a touch may excruciating and they rarely make eye contact..instead focusing on your mouth when you speak. They often experience sensory overload and have meltdowns. They are very misunderstood by those that don't understand they don't do this on purpose. I advocate for this little guy and try to show other staff his wonderful qualities and he has many if you try to get past the behavior. His artistic talent is amazing, his cartoons and stories captivating and his list are unlike anything I've ever seen. He will do this daily writing list after list of things such as every single episode of Sponge Bob, Family Guy or numerous other tv shows..going back years. He can list every single R.L Stine book published by order. He knows every endangered species on the planet, can draw them in detail and will know where they are from. When I shared his interest and we chat about most amazing things he started trusting me..it took aprox a year. I still get teary eyed when at Christmas time last year all the children stacked their gifts to me by my desk. He slipped a piece of paper into my purse which still causes me to get teary eyed when I read it. "Thank you for being nice to me when everyone else isn't. I will try to be nice to you". I started telling staff about him, encouraged him to show his work to others, they started seeing him in a different light. They started speaking to him and some teachers took autism training. The principal asked for the head of the school districts autism team to come for the last Professional Developement Day. I went to numerous meetings and now had the backing of the autism team that sided with me regarding how this child needed to be treated by staff. For the first time in his 11 years he started speaking to others even tho he had been going to the same school since K. I told them just ask about his art work or his writing and he'll open up to you and it worked. I watch through the windows when he waits for his sister each day after school, as he told me sometimes he was teased. The children knew better to tease him in school with other staff around but a rare few did try when they thought no one was around. He finally told me about it one day and I promised him that he would always feel safe at this school that I would watch out for him. I pointed through the blinds to the staffroom and said I would wait there while he got picked up every day. Last week a group of teens walked by as he was pacing back and forth repeating the exact dialogue (he can do this verbatim) of a tv show he had viewed. They pointed and laughed , he responded in frustration by screaming and yelling which made them laugh more. I was out in a flash. I called R inside and for the first time he responded quickly, while I dealt with the teens and kinda embaressed not like a teacher but more like mother bear. I went inside and sat next to him he had his head down..lip quivering..I said hmph..showed them didn't we? He looked up, eye contact, smiled and leaned against my shoulder. Today, he kept looking at the blinds knowing I was behind them, smiling and waving. He feels safe. This story isn't about me it's about him and the world full of children like him. Sometimes we are so quick to judge a child whom we may perceive to be ill mannered or rude. Kinda like a dog who at first glance may appear aggressive or unresponsive. Sometimes it's worth the extra effort put in and you will get the chance to see them shine. Marianne |
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| Gulp ... wonderful words and so very true. Things like this always touch my heart. You familiar with Torey Hayden (US writer) - she writes about the children she teaches with special needs - really makes you open your eyes. |
| Wow. Nice work Marianne. What a difference for that boy. Sounds like the other students could use some kind of an introduction to autism -- like an assembly or perhaps speaker in their classroom, etc. Teach a little tolerance and understanding. |
| Very heartwarming story. A good reminder for us all. |
| Marianne, thank you for sharing your 'little guy' with us. I think it is terrible that the staff tried to avoid dealing with this guy instead of trying to understand him. There are many special needs kids in the school my kids go to, all the staff are wonderful with the special kids. When school starts in september, every class that has a special child gets an intro to the child and what they like and don't like and how the kids can help the special child.
My kids are especially sensitive to special needs kids as their cousin also has aspergers. She has had several different diagnosis since she was 14 months old. At first they thought it was autism and then pervasive developmental disorder, and the last diagnosis was aspergers. Most people would not even think she had aspergers, to most she appears shy and standoffish. My sister has worked very hard in keeping her daughter in many different social settings to expose her to as many different situations as possible. My niece doesn't understand sarcasm, everything said is taken literally to her. She speaks with a monotone which other kids make fun of. She doesn't eat many different foods, she will only try new things for my mom. She loves to come here to play with my girls, she knows they love her for who she is and she in her own way loves them right back. My niece is a math whiz, she can answer any math equation with the correct answer but she has no idea how to explain how she came up with the answer. |
| That's wonderful. You've made a huge connection and impact on his life.
thank you. |
| What a heartwarming story, Marianne! I admire your strength and determination to help these children. They are very fortunate to have you as their teacher! |
 Wow, thank you for sharing. That age is so difficult already, then on top of it having autism that makes you "different" from everyone else...I can't even imagine. I admire you for standing up for him when no one else would. You touched his life, and brought awareness to a situation that needed attention. I am sure he will remember what you did for him for the rest of his life. |
| I always enjoy your stories, Marianne, of interacting with these children. It is so wonderful what a difference you make in their lives. I am sure his parents appreciate the effort and attention you give to helping their child enjoy his school hours. |
| Marianne: This is a wonderful story about your relationship with this student. You would have to be an automaton to not grow attached to children you work with so often. I know I would be emotionally involved instantly. I had a friend that was an Assistant District Attorney in NYC and she worked specifically on domestic abuse cases; it always amazed me that she never had an emotional investment in her work.
I have an friend, one time coworker that is an adult that functions beautifully with this disorder. Someone in my husband's company hired him and I couldn't stop raving to my husband the other day about this friend's apptitude with numbers. He is absolutely brilliant. He remembers any and all statistics. He can rattle anything off at a moments notice. |
| Marianne, from the mother of an Aspergers Syndrome child -
Thank you for all you do! I so needed an advocate for my child when he was younger in school. Thank you for being there for that child. |
Marianne you ae a gift from God with a heart thats huge  |
| Thanks everyone for the feedback!
I wrote this story with a general purpose in mind I guess. Years ago, I applied to for my first job with disabled children while going to school. I was asked during the interview if I had any experience working with non verbal people. I mentioned I hadn't other than kids in the mainstream, but was intuned to reading animal body language, did a lot of work with animals and they could be considered "non-verbal"  I did get the job.
You learn by body postions if they are fearful, the eyes tell a lot too, the way their bodies tense.. ect. It's interchangable, both with people and with animals. I know everyone here understands what I'm talking about comparing it to their furkids or those that have babies - both are non verbal yet you know what moods they are in and most often know what they want. It's just a matter of getting to know them. I often find myself comparing Panda and this young boy. Both would flinch when I approached not knowing me enough to know I meant no harm. I never raised my voice, I adapted the environment to suit their needs, and eventually they learned to trust me. Now I can give them heck occasionally(firm manner but never with anger) and because we have a relationship they don't fall apart. Thanks for the accolades but really again it's about them..I've learned so much from children and animals. You guys as sheepie owners in my opinion, are a just as wonderful...compassionate, caring people! Group hug everyone!!! |
| Marianne,
As a mom of a child with mild Autism, I thank you for posting this. I wish more people that are around these kids would take the time to get to know the children and understand them. Thank you for being there for these children. I really wish you would move to beautiful Southern California!! Ryan needs a good teacher.  |
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