mother in law woes..
Dear Nickie, I wanted to thank you for the lovely relish tray, it really is beautiful. Thank you also for the dinner. You and Pete didnt have to do that, but it was very appreciated. I know that I can be egocentric but I dont want you to think that I dont appreciate others. As it goes, I feel that it is probably best that in the future we keep our "family" gatherings to a minimum. I do not feel animosity or resentment toward anyone, however, over these last several years our relationship seems to go through unnecessary upheavals. I just am tired of the he said/she said. I am grateful for all that you have done for Brian, Colleen and even myself in the past. I am regretful that I cant seem to be what you want or expected in a daughter-in-law. I am happy though, and more importantly, I believe Brian and Colleen are too. I must go with what my heart tells me, and it says not to get worked up over things I cant control and that I cant make you love or like me, no matter how hard I may try. This is not said with any type of hurtful feelings. Sad yes, but not resentful. Thanks again for dinner and the lovely tray. It was more than I expected or hoped for. Sincerely, Darcy |
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| As someone who wouldn't utter anything bad to her mil, and feels it should be the job of the son/daughter, I think your letter sounds perfect. It's not hateful, but to the point. I think it shows you respect her, so you carefully worded it to show that you don't want to permanently ruin the relationship you two presently have. I can also tell ...you are tired and worn out from whatever you two are going through.
Did your husband read it? That would be where I'd get approval last before sending it off!  |
| I'm sorry that you don't have a good relationship with her... but some things just aren't meant to be I guess. Don't beat yourself up over it, and I do think you are right about needing to go with your heart/gut.
My ex -almost-mil and I are still very close, she is one of my best friends and I love her dearly. My current mil is a big B with a little itch. I can't stand her, she can't stand me, so we avoid each other at all costs. We don't speak, we don't visit. If I know she is going to be in town I make sure I'm not home. At xmas she picks up her grandson (my stepson) takes him out and drops him off, she has nothing to do with me, my kids, or her own son for that matter. I don't bother anymore to try to develop any kind of relationship with her, it's just not worth it. She has always treated her own son like crap, so it's not like she is going to change that and we simply don't need the headache. Still, to me it was important to make every effort with her for my husband's sake. I didn't want to come between him and his mother. It didn't take me long to see there was no relationship between them either, and he genuinely doesn't mind that I want nothing to do with his mother. He doesn't either. |
| i should preface this with..it is brians stepmother. there isnt any love lost on any ground....brians ex in laws were more of inlaws than my real ones...they loved me and included me in everything. thats one reason why i respect and love julie so much(brians ex)...im really just sad...i did try...but i will not and do not want to change me...besides i dont thiink i can.
his dad and stepmother didnt come to our wedding because it was in may and they didnt want to make 2 trips to san diego in less than a month. we didnt even get a card. i was told my ring was gaudy and that since i didnt get married until i was 30 that i shouldnt have worn white.... i really wanted a mother in law to do things with and love, since my mom lives so far away. but it just wasnt meant to be... im a big girl and just need to suck it up, i guess. |
| I would not put that in writing or give it to your MIL. It is too strong, too vague and too defensive and doesn't give her a move to make to improve things. Telling her that only gives her fuel to criticize you and will force her to defend herself as well. It will raise many questions and cause a flack. People say all sorts of things about each other for various reasons and mostly it is best just to ignore it and muddle through. If you think there is no hope, then keep it to yourself but act accordingly. If you really want to communicate how you feel, take her to lunch and discuss it in person. If you want to take the middle road and give a hint of what you are feeling to cause her to talk to you, then something much shorter and more open-ended and taking the "high ground" would be better:
Dear Nickie, I wanted to thank you for the lovely relish tray. It is really beautiful. We also enjoyed the wonderful dinner you provided. Although I am grateful for the many kindnesses you have shown me, I was dismayed to hear that you recently said some unfavorable things about me to other family members. I would respectfully request that, in the future, you raise any concerns you may have with me directly. Otherwise, we risk having family relations becoming uncomfortable, awkward, and strained for everyone involved. I truly want to have a good relationship with you. If there is anything I can do to improve the situation, please let me know. I am optimistic that with open communication, we can better appreciate and understand each other. Thanks again for the lovely birthday gifts. With warm best wishes, Darcy No one can find fault with that. In my view, it makes you look mature and reasonable and doesn't sound whiny or defensive or overly antagonistic. |
Val, you're definitely better at this than I am.  |
| I guess I think it is good to be direct about what you want (stop talking behind my back) but indirect about various allegations (whether you are egocentric, can be what she wants, etc.).
I have alot of practice. I have spent the last five years writing letter to my mom that I have never sent.  |
wow val, way better than me too!! you can now be my personal secretary...do you know short hand?  I am going to use your version....thanks! |
| great! I just realized "we" used the word lovely twice. Need a replacement.
What's good is that if she criticizes your letter, she will end up looking like a jerk because you haven't said anything critical or controversial. No one can argue with the message. |
| Actually, if that's just supposed to be a thank you note, I might just leave it at the thank you and address the other things later. Talking about unpleasant things under the guise of a card that really should be something given for things appreciated makes it all a bit weird. I think I'd wait a couple of weeks until things kind of calmed down and you had sometime to think things through and then send her something addressing those things you wanted to mention there. |
| If it were me I would keep the two separate. The thank-you note for the gift and dinner is one thing. The future of the relationship is an entirely different thing. It just so happened that the timing is right (or wrong) but I would keep them distinctly separate....maybe wait a couple weeks before addressing the other.
It is too bad that this happens with mother and daughter-in-laws. When my MIL was alive we had a wonderful relationship....but it was only after a couple of miserable years of back-stabbing and open insults on her part. We finally got drunk together one Christmas and spent the whole evening singing Christmas carols and men-bashing....My husband and father-in-law were afraid to say anything in their own defence, in case it broke the spell We were great friends after that, but had an open relationship where we were able to be brutally honest with eash other...but trusted one another completely.
But when it doesn't work it doesn't work. I don't have a good relationship with my father, and it is not my fault. He is who he is and none of his kids have the emotional strength to continue trying to develope something that will never be. Put your efforts into relationships that are 2-way....and that you both give to and receive from. |
| Whoops! I would prefer things like this to be discussed verbally, also. |
| Val, that letter was great.
I really hope *knock on wood* my relationship with my mil stays as solid as it is now. I know it would break my husband's heart if we didn't get along. I have trouble holding things in though, and would have a serious problem if my mil talked bad about me to my son. |
| collie is over right now and i read her what i wrote and what you all have written. she has asked me not to write any version of the first letter. I will write a simple thank you card and if an opportune moment occurs, i will bring it up to nickie, in person.
this has been a good night for me and collie. we have talked, discussed and opened up. i promise to her NEVER to be an evil step mother in law. its funny because i knew i was feeling hurt by this, but i guess i just never realized how much. |
| Sounds like a great plan. |
| I see that your first inclination is to go nuclear. That can work sometimes. Not.
I also think you should write your thank you note, and bring up your other issue(s) at another time. Christmas Eve would be the nuclear option here.  |
Ron wrote: Christmas Eve would be the nuclear option here.
They are missing you in class at Tufts University Fletcher School of Diplomacy, Ron. Please report immediately |
| I totally agree with Val.
I had a crazy Ex-Stepmother in law myself, who loved to be controlling and loved playing head games with all of her kids. I found out the best way to deal with her was ignore her. I tried to please her over and over and always did sometihng wrong. So I gave up trying to please her and I felt a lot better. |
| Much, much better to stop with a lovely thank you. Expressing gratitude for nice things she's done for all of you at the same time is also good.
Sometimes, when you most feel like strangling your (mil, husband, child, sister, fill in the blank), it's really better to just hug them instead. I give a lot of hugs around my house. |
| Well I plan on being an evil Mother in Law as nothing or no one can replace me in my boys lives...hey I'm kidding!!
Okay back to being serious , the only thing that concerns me about the letter is: stating you found out through the grapevine that your MIL voiced some concerns about you. Being human the first thing that person would do is say..okay who talked about me to Darcy.? She may then confront that person..who then would confront you or be mad at you perhaps. Family lines would be drawn..it can draw everyone in. Dunno family dynamics are so complicated and I probably wouldn't say anything about being told what she said. I'd probably say you "feel" that the relationship isn't as strong or ? (whatever word you want to use) and is there something you both can do about it. If she is not receptive..well least you tried and can feel good that you made a step, even if she wasn't willing to take it. Marianne |
| Darcy, I TOTALLY sympathize with you!!!!! My EX MIL was the most WONDERFUL person in the entire world, I loved her like a real Mother. Unfortunately Doug's Mother is from the planet BIZARO and no matter how hard I try I cannot feel even the slightest inkling of warmth toward her.
HOWEVER, because she is Doug's mother I treat her with the same love and respect I would my Ex (believe me sometimes it is VERY difficult). I think sometimes when it comes to your husbands family you just have to SWALLOW HARD. It is great that you can write the letter, share it with us but then I think you have to let it go. You need to be the "bigger" poerson here, for both Brian and Colleen. As the saying goes, "Living well is the best revenge" and no matter what the MIL says about you the fact that you and Brian have a great and wonderful marriage is all that really matters. I also believe in "KILLING them with kindness" When someone is evil to me I try to go out of my way to be sweet and kind and wonderful, it really can be a great way to make them feel (and look) like the petty person they are being. Feel free to vent to me ANYTIME you need to, I TOTALLY understand what you are going through. |
| I just read your post this morning, Darcy. I'm glad you decided to keep this strictly as a thank you note. My MIL and I also have many issues with one another that I struggle with. We are just two totally different people with different values that just so happen to love the same person (her son, my hubby). I often joke about things I want to write to her or write a letter and not send it off. Writing it down sometimes makes me feel better to get my feelings off my chest. I hope you feel better too! |
Darcy wrote: collie is over right now and i read her what i wrote and what you all have written. she has asked me not to write any version of the first letter. I will write a simple thank you card and if an opportune moment occurs, i will bring it up to nickie, in person.
I agree with Colleen. Just thank her for the relish tray. Anything you put in writing will come back to haunt you. Darcy, anyone who has met you knows that you are a treasure.  This Nickie person obviously has issues and is taking the high school approach - bashing you to make herself feel better. I know it must be painful, but you need to realize that you aren't doing anything wrong and nothing you can do or say will change her. Nickie is just jealous because you are cute, young, happy and talented.
I'm willing to share my two local mother-in-laws with you if you'd like... |
| See why I love this place?! I knew I could count on all of you. Even Colleen was impressed (and its hard to impress a 19 yr old) with how wonderful you guys are!
It is defianely just a Thank you note. Nothing else. Now heres the second part to the question....when we went out to dinner, I offered an invitation to them to come over to dinner when my mom was in town....do I still have to honor that invite? |
| I would not reissue the invitation but I don't think there is anything wrong with waiting to see if it gets "remembered". If you do have to have her for dinner I would look at it as just another opportunity to show her what a wonderful person you are and what a STRONG marriage you have!!!!! |
Darcy wrote: do I still have to honor that invite? Of course you do. It's you husband's mom and if you want peace and tranquility at home, he needs to have peace and tranquility with his birth family.
Don't do anything that will help to drive a wedge between him and his mother. Just my nickel's worth. |
| Ron, its not his mom...its his stepmom...and he isnt overly fond of her behavior either. |
| Aha! I need a scorecard! I see that I missed that in your second post in this thread.
But still, she is important to his dad? He likes his dad and wants to maintain a relationship? |
Darcy wrote: Now heres the second part to the question....when we went out to dinner, I offered an invitation to them to come over to dinner when my mom was in town....do I still have to honor that invite? Welcome to my world. Don is forever inviting people over, or suggesting to do things with people. Thne we get home and he tells me that he didn't mean it, was caught up in the moment and wants to renege... 
I would wait until almost the last minute, then give them a quick call (a message on the voice mail works great). Say you are just checking in...mention that you forget if it was confirmed they were coming or not, and you need to know NOW as you need a head count. That allows them to gracefully decline because they forgot, or weren't sure either or whatever....Or if you are lucky they alreaady have plans... Or you get an immediate response that YES they are still coming...  Then you suck it up and deal with it in Plan B- Being the hostess with the mostest |
| yes she is important to his father....brian really cant stand her either....in fact when we were dating he told me NOT to try to get involved, that she is not worth the effort....she has hurt brian in the past too with her words...he says the less we see them the better off we all are....
i dont think that it helped that when they got married, she (nickie) is only 3 yrs older than Brians oldest sibling...yet she started to "mother" them....and Brian was already married when they got married....... so oddly enough as im writing this, i just realized that she is closer to brians age than me....she is 7 yrs older and i am 9 yrs younger....lol..... |
| AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, different story. I say bag the witch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No seriously, I wouldn't go out of my way to fall all over her but I would maintain your own dignity by being a better person than she is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What is important is Brian and his Dad and out of respect for them I'd say you have to be at least polite. |
| Every family has them, don't they?
As grown ups, though, we really do have to learn to get along for the sake of those whom we love....no matter how much we'd like to strangle the trouble maker.
So, yes, I'd say you really do need to *graciously* honor your invitation. It will be a great opportunity to take the high road and be the better person. In the end, that really is the only way to "win". |
| All we have to do is treat them with respect. We don't have to like them, love them, or be friends with them.......we just treat them respectfully. (much like you treat a client) When tales get back to you about her dis-ing you, don't let others see you are upset (that may get back to her and give her fuel.)
Nothing drives the evil speaker crazier than to have you treat them kindly and show no anger with them. They can't find a button to push. s. |
| Darcy,
I completely sympathize with you. But, I definitely think you should not send the letter only a thank you. I would just try to avoid them at all costs and by that they will get the message. She is just probably jealous. Also, I would never base a reaction on hearsay. Even though you have reason to believe it's probably true, I wouldn't respond unless something was said directly to you. And if anything was said directly to you then at that point anything is fair game. If you didn't invite them for a specific day and time I think you could get out of it by not bringing it up or reinviting them. Then if they should ask you about it later just say that you ended up doing something different. And maybe pass it off that your mom had things she wanted to do when she was visiting and time just got away from you. If they truly don't like you they probably don't want to come over any way. Are you sure though that they don't like you and are not gossipers? Some people bad mouth others as a way to get attention and if you'll notice most of the time badmouth or gossip about pretty much everyone. So you may just be one on a long list and it just might be their M O. Also, I would consult your hubby before you make any decisions regarding his family. I know you're a really sweet person and it's tough when people are mean. I'm sorry they can't be nicer to you. I know you'll figure it out. |
| In the future, don't have them to the house, meet someplace. Smile, have only one drink (don't want you being labeled a drunk), be polite and in 2-3 hours it's over.
sheepieboss |
| I'd see if the inlaws bring up your dinner invitation for when your Mom comes to visit. Maybe there would be less tension if your Mom is there. My Mom's presence always seems to diffuse the tension with my MIL. However, my Mom "likes" everyone and is very chatty with my MIL. Therefore, I don't need to talk...or listen |
| Yes on all of your recent accounts...My mom is pretty chatty and can hold her own with the best of them...she'll protect me..lol...and Nickie is usually on her best behavior when my mom comes to visit...
Dinner with them is usually at a resturaunt and about 2 hours..and only 1 glass of wine....but from here on out, I wont go withOUT Brian...no matter what... |
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