Grief and how to cope
He and my son have always had a turbulent relationship. And my son has always been a very sensitive person. We are in Chicago, and he is in Arizona. The kids needed to go last week to say goodbye (their grandparents are there. And, I'm on great terms with them). It was a struggle to get my son to go, but he went, and was glad he did. They came home last night, and my son is falling apart. He can't function. He can't concentrate, and finds himself constantly getting angry with everyone (the one he is really angry with is his dad.) I tried to explain that this behavior is caused by the grief he is going through. He doesn't care. He just wants to be angry. His dad is dying of alchol related proplems, so son is furious that dad did this to himself. (Dad is 49 years old, and a very successful businessman.) Now son is threatening to drop out of college since he can't pull himself together. And, the worst is yet to come, when dad passes. Please, if you can give me any advice how to help him cope I would appreciate it. This whole thing is so hard on me, and I feel like I shouldn't complain, since I am his "ex" wife. Thanks for any help. PS, this is why I haven't been around much lately. |
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| I don't know that I have the answers for your questions, but I can tell you I have been there. My ex passed away in May and my oldest went through all of the emotions. I can tell you that it will be a bumpy ride, but you will make it through. The only thing I know for sure is that there was no reasoning with Jason. Nothing I said made any difference. I just had to be patient and let him work this out with himself. Once he has dealt with the grief, things will start to make sense. My youngest and his Dad were fairly close, so his emotions took a whole different route.
Be glad you are not any closer that you are. My ex moved in with my ex in laws and was right across the street from me when they put him in hospice. The last week he was alive was really hard on the kids (all of us I should say). My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family and the family of your ex hubby also. Just remember that God does not place anything on our shoulders that we cannot carry. He might let us stumble, but he will never let us fall. Those words have gotten me through a lot in the past few months. Just so you know, Jason has gone back to being his normal self again. Thank goodness he has such a wonderful boss that was willing to work with us and let him deal with his grief. |
debcram wrote: This whole thing is so hard on me, and I feel like I shouldn't complain, since I am his "ex" wife.
It understandable that this is hard on your, Deb, as he is your kids' Dad and you shared your life together once. Might I suggest that your son see a social worker or psychologist. Not that I am a practitioner, it sounds like he may also benefit from short term antidepressants. I only speak from experience with anger towards my father and my own depression/anxiety related issues. XOXO |
| Deb, I'm so sorry to hear that your family is going through this. I think it's really hard on sons when their fathers die young, no matter what the cause. Is there any way you can talk your son into going for counseling? Maybe you can present it as "career counseling" to help him make a decision on his education and career plans. It would be helpful for him to talk out his anger with someone outside of the family. Good luck! |
| I'm so sorry for you, I can't do enything alse
then thinking on you and your situation. It is always hard when sutch a young man die. I fel for you and your kids  |
| I am so sorry Deb. I dont have any words of wisdom for you, but my thoughts are with you. Give him time. At his age, no amount of logical reasoning will work...time will. Just dont let him drop out, it is always harder to go back... |
| Deb: I am so sorry to hear about the situation in your family. This is a very diffecult time for all of you. Your son needs to continue going to school, because sometimes after everything is over College gives your son something to hang on to. It will help him through his grief. All of you should look into grief counceling. You have to expect the anger because we never expect our parents to die, especailly at your son's age. He may not have seen his Dad often, but he always knew he was out there if he wanted to see him, now he won't be. His passing will effect you also, don't be afraid to talk about it.
I'll keep you in my prayers. I am so sorry, Helen, Mom to Violet, China and Pearl |
| Deb,
There is nothing much more to say than has already been said. It will be a rough ride, and your son will feel things he never thought he would. A counselor or pastor to talk to is a good idea, if he is willing. As for you, it might be helpful to understand the stages of grief that we all go through. It helps to understand that we are not the first to experience this. A couple books that have helped me are: On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis. I will keep you and your son in my prayers. Ken |
| Deb, I am so sorry that your family is going through this difficult time. What a terrible thing for any child to go through (of any age) and I am sure the emotions for you are myriad and complex. I hope that the Hospice folks are in touch with your children, most Hospice programs involve children even when a distance away.
Another book that is quite good (as are the ones Ken recommended) is The Mournging Handbook By Helen Fitzgerald. I read that one after nursing school when I did a certificate program in Thanatology (death and dying). The tricky thing about grief is that there is no "normal" what each person experiences and goes through is "normal" for them. It may be that your son will need to take a semester off to deal with all his emotions. You can help best by just being there for him. (((HUGS)))[/code] |
| I'm so sorry, Deb. How sad. Don't feel like you can't complain - you two had a life together, you two had children together. A divorce doesn't take that away.
After we lost our daughter, I kept myself busy. I pretty much worked myself to death, because when I stayed busy, my mind was preoccupied on other things. I made my ob/gyn sign a release where I could go back to work 2 weeks after my c-section. He didn't want to, but I couldn't stay at home by myself and stare at the walls all day either. That would have hurt me even more. Everyone grieves in different ways though, and I hope he figures out how to handle his. I couldn't imagine losing one of my parents. It has to be incredibally hard. (((HUGE HUGS AND PRAYERS being sent to all of you))) |
| I'm so sorry for you and your children.
Suggest to your son he seek the mental health clinic at his school. They are there for a reason.......this happens to kids every year. They know how to deal with this. There's no shame in asking for help...yes, I realize guys are slow to realize this. He has multiple issues he must work out and would do so more efficiently with a mental health professional to quide him. If there is a scholarship at stake, then failing grades is a concern. Actually when I lost my father, my grades went from A to D immediately. Fortunately I bounced back quickly and was back up to A in short order. Hopefully your son can pull it together. |
| Hi Deb,
You've recieved so much good advice from many members at the forum, I can't add anything but wanted to let you know I'm keeping you and your son in my thoughts. Hugs to you. Marianne |
| Sorry deb, you are both in my prayers.
It is never easy when someone dies, some deal with grief with great sadness others get angry and some shut themsevles into a shell. Everyone deals with it in different ways. Hopefully all will settle down a bit with your son, he is just dealing with it in his own way. Just be there for when he wants to talk and wants support, tell him you love him and are there for him. It helps, I had the same problem with my son when I lost my father, he was angry and I just took a step back, but let him know that I love and am there for him when he is ready to talk and open up. He did in the end and all worked out OK. There all different and can say some unreasonable things in times of grief. If you think he is not responding to you or is getting more distant, then seek help with a grief counsellor, even if you go and talk with one yourself, they can help you with advice on how to get your son through this if he does not want to talk to you or a counsellor. Hugs. |
| Maybe he should/could go back to stay with his dad until the end. Since he was glad he went, maybe a little more time and being there when he passes on, would help him get beyond his anger.
I'm sure he could work something out with the school for awhile, due to the circumstances. If not, if he wants to be with dad, school can wait, death won't. Maybe it might help if "you" take him, and say you're goodbyes as well, if that's a possibility. It might help you later. Of course, I don't know your story. You're all in our prayers. God bless. |
| Deb, my heart goes out to you and your family.
Having just lost my parents within a few weeks of each other, I can understand why your son wants to leave school. My mind has been numb. I am still finding it difficult to concentrate on things. I can't imagine having to deal with losing a parent at such a young age. It must be devistating for him. It is going to take time and will probably be even harder when his father passes. He may also begin to feel guilty for his feelings against his father. I would recomend talking to a school counsler. Not only could they help with some of his feelings but, they can help work through what to do about school. It is important to stay busy. But if he can't concentrate he doesn't want to jepordize his college career either. Perhaps lightening his load would help. You too are entitled to your feelings. You may be divorced but you still share the bond of childern. Allow yourself to grieve. |
| Thank you all for your advice and support. My son seems to be doing better, but I think that maybe temporary. We made through a tough day yesterday. He has an apartment in the city so we do all of talking via the phone, which can be hard, when you really just want to hug someone. He's old car (93 Honda) died yesterday on top of everything, so his problems seemed insurmountable. On the phone we took each issue, one by one and resolved them, or made a delibrate decision NOT to resolve them. 1. Car...park it and take public trans for now. 2. School (he is taking 16 hours), drop courses to get down to 9 hours (still considered full time, but much less of work load.) and he can still withdraw without pentalty until Oct. 1st. Then, if he feels like it, get a part time, mindless job to fill hours. Or make a solid committment to do more painting (he's a fine artist). When we did that, he felt better breaking the stresses down. One at a time is less daunting...more managable. I guess I didn't mention that I also have a college aged daughter. She's incredible. She's very much like me. She's stoic, but when dad passes, that is when she will meltdown... Right now she holding herself together. Again, thank you all, and I will update, as I get updated. sincerely, Deborah |
| ** sigh ** |
| Deb, I'm so sorry you are going through this. There are so many facets to what your son is feeling that it's got to be difficult for him to deal with them all. He's just a kid himself. And God bless you daughter. She sounds a lot like my own daughter, and yes, she will melt down when her dad passes. But you will all get through it. Counseling is an excellent idea.
I lost my father at 16 and my mother was a basket case, so I had to work through my grief alone. At this age, your children feel so invulnerable, like nothing bad will ever happen to them. This is jolting them into the real world in a harsh way. They are very fortunate that you are there for them. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. |
| Deb, I am sorry that You and Your Children are going thru this. I was a Social Worker that worked with the elderly primarily for many years..... In that work I dealt with not only the Patient but also the Families.......Many times thru the Passing stage..... I have seen some Wonderful Things Happen.... I have seen some Terrible Things happen..... None of us can change the pass and what has happend..... But, if a situation can be resolved I would certainly encourage that..... Sometimes the walls come down when a person is facing their own mortality.... I think that it really helps when one is grieving. It makes grieving harder with all the Should of and Could Of's....... It doesn't always happen but sometimes it does.......... I do know that unresolved issues can certainly make The Path Of Life Much Harder To Travel................... My Heart goes out to You and Your Children In This Time Of Sadness....Sheepie Hugs, Kaye |
| Alan is now in renial failure. They say maybe he has 72 hours. Please pray for a painfree journey for him. Thank you. Deboarh |
(((Hugs))) for all of you  |
| Big hugs to you and your family |
| Alcoholism is a terrible and sad disease and affects the entire family. I'm so sorry your family is going through this. Maybe you could get your son some literature about alcholism from Alanon. It might diffuse some of his anger at his father by understanding the disease. There are usually alanon groups in most cities and they have a wealth of literature.
Love and hugs . Herbgirl |
| Alan passed away last night. I hated to do it, but I told both kids on the phone. My son was surprising strong. He said he was glad he went and saw dad, and that his suffering is over. My daughter had sort of the same reaction. They will be coming home from school, and we will be making travel arrangements for them to go to the funeral. Thank you for all of your advice. I think I used all of it. And thank you for your wonderful heartfelt support. Time to heal... |
| I am so sorry that Alan and your family has gone through this. Please know that we will keep your family and his family in our thoughts and prayers. The fact that the kids realize that he is no longer suffering is actually a beginning to their healing. God bless you all. |
| {{{{hugs}}}} for you, and through you to your families. |
| I am so sorry to hear of the passing of Alan. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time.
Helen Mom to Violet, China and Pearl |
| So sorry to hear the news. You and your family are in our
thoughts and prayers........ |
| Deborah, I am so sorry about Alan's passing. You and the children are in my prayers. |
| I'm so sorry that your family is going through this.
On a practical note, make sure that the kid's colleges are aware of what's going on. I had an awful professor in college who tried to fail me out of a course because I missed 2 classes due to travelling for a funeral. Since we hadn't filed any formal paperwork on it, he almost succeeded. I'd hate to see that added to all of this. |
| (((HUGE HUGS AND PRAYERS FOR YOUR FAMILY))) I'm so sorry for your loss. |
| So sorry for the loss your children (and, you) have suffered. May God be with, and comfort each of you.
Pam |
| Deb,
My thoughts and prayers are for you and your family at this time. Brenda, Dudley and Murphy. |
| Condolences to you and your kids, and strength to get though the days ahead. |
| I'm so sorry, Deb Hugs from us. |
| I am so sorry for the loss that you and your children are going through.
By the time I read this thread, your ex husband had passed away. What I was going to suggest is that your son, if he chose to, take a leave of absence from school to spend more time with his father. This may still be a decent plan for him, depending upon his grieving process. Expect a lot of anger. I am speaking from some experience--not as the mother, but as the child. When I was 17, still in high school, my mother suffered from a devestating aneurysm--she nearly died, was hospitalized for months, and left permanently disabled, although we were fortunate that her disability was not nearly as bad as it could have been. Still, she had many cognitive impairments and the mother I had known truly died. My father's way of dealing with it was to try to force me and my sisters to behave as though nothing had changed: I was to continue my plans to go to college; I didn't miss a day of school during the months of my mother's hospitalization. He meant well, but I needed time to process what happened, and the grief. I ended up leaving school after my sophomore year, largely because of issues regarding my mother's health and my parents' failing marriage. My relationship with my father was very difficult at this time, for many, many reasons. Just over a year ago, I lost first my mother, then about 10 weeks later, my father. It was completely devestating, although both had had very serious health problems for years and their deaths were not unexpected and truly were merciful. But I was a basket case. I spent every moment I could with them before they died--difficult because I live over 500 miles from where they lived and had a new job. My job was generous in allowing me to leave when I needed to, which wasn't as much as I wanted to do. I had a difficult relationship with my father for years over many issues, including his treatment of my mother. But we loved each other fiercely. Please, allow both your children to take the time they need to grieve, even if it means taking time off from school. School will understand and will allow them to withdraw (if necessary) for a semester or two, in order to deal with their father's death. Of course, it may be that either or both do not need that time, which is fine. I have two children in college right now, so I know how worried you are when they are far away and when you know they are going through something so difficult. You want them to be ok, even when you know part of their world is falling apart. And they will be. But things may be rough for a while. It is hard to explain how so much anger and so much love can co-exist, but they do, and it all is magnified by grief over terrible loss, no less terrible because it is expected and to some extent, self-inflicted. I felt as though I had been dragged through shards of glass and then dipped into acid. On my good days. Again, please accept my deepest sympathies. I'll say a prayer for your family. |
| Deb,
I am very sorry for the loss your family has suffered. You have my deepest sympathies. My Grandmother passed away on Tuesday night. |
| Elissa, I am sorry to hear about your grandmother. I know you expected this, but I know it still hurts. Sending out hugs and prayers your way. |
tgir wrote: Elissa, I am sorry to hear about your grandmother. I know you expected this, but I know it still hurts. Sending out hugs and prayers your way.
Thanks |
| My deepest sympathies go to you and your children. I know this is a very difficult time but it sounds as though you are handling it with much wisdom. |
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